lysergia

anybody on the DD spectrum want to share?

238 posts in this topic

i'm loving the aforementioned threads for the schiz and bipolar boards.  i'm thinking we should have one here.  i expect that it won't be very busy.  but at least we'll have the option of just writing a few lines about our day too, without starting new topics or keeping it to the blogs.

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i'll start.  there's been way too much silence amongst the lysergia for several months.  i have a kind of paranoia that ECT separated us to the point we don't hear each other so well anymore.  of course it could just be that there isn't much to say, or too many of us are depressed to feel like sharing.  it's weird though, having just a few quiet conversations happening instead of a dozen.

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Heh, thanks Lys. I've been jealous of the other threads.

Our protector has been much more active this week. It scares me. What does he know that I don't? And what will he do about it?

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Someone was mad, and doesn't want me to know who-so I suspect the pseudo dad. It freaked out one of the kids.

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...Sudden wave of extreme, intense loneliness came out of nowhere just now...tears came and then evaporated.

One of us cried out inside for our mother.

One of us cried out inside for our father, the abuser.

The whole of our visual field is shimmering like a heat haze.

 

The overall feeling is melancholy and yet somewhat peaceful.

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one of our younger folks who hasn't hung around front for awhile has been reading here and is asking adults about posting.  she's as free to post as the rest of us are, but she's so painfully shy after having been silent for so long.  i hope she decides to post.  i told her to just go to our blog, that's a little bit safer.

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Stickler, we get those waves sometimes. For us, they are grief.

Lys, if your shy one wants to come say hi in a safer way, she can comment on one of our blog entries, too. Maybe in our bios she will find someone that she can relate to.

 

I'm... this is going to sound weird. And I'm going to say it anyway. 

A few years ago my head was QUIET. When I only knew that there were three of us (and then five, and then eight...) but back when there were three of us known my head was pretty quiet. After all, three people can only say so much in a day.

Now, with a couple dozen, my head is so much louder. I'm still getting used to it. We're all still new to each other. It's really weird. I sometimes can't focus on the Outside world because my head is loud and distracting.

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Quiet!  Just talking to myself.  I have DDNOS with some fragments that would talk through me, no one talks to me.  But, they have gone quiet for a long time.

 

I had a tdoc at that time who they spoke to, who told me he didn't think I had a dissociative disorder.  Still waiting for his pants to burst into flames.  No idea why he would lie to me but he could have said "I don't know".

 

(I know I was muttering all kinds of stuff and it can be hard to decipher psychosis from other disorders.  It's more that I really grew to trust him, probably too much, and i feel like he let me down).

 

 

Rosie- I don't have that kind of conversations going on, but sometimes what is going on in my head distracts me from the outside world, too

Edited by confused

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My head always feels full of thoughts, just zipping around like a swarm of gnats.  As if someone had taken several radios, tuned them to different stations, and cranked them.  Yet at the same time, most of this thought doesn't fully enter into my awareness except as gibberish.  Loud gibberish.

I've long since trained myself to not start loudly exclaiming nonsensical words and phrases much of the time, though sometimes it happens in the bathroom at work and I have to catch myself. O.o  

 

I have always called this phenomenon "brain noise."  Meditation seems to reduce the volume over time.

 

Since my/our brain is so loud? If tired we may have to use exterior dialogue to organize what's going on...

So... walking through mall wart at 1 am...

"Ok, we need to get some apples."

"There's some apples on sale, oooh...And look, a melon!  We like melons!"

Hey we need bread and peanut butter, don't we..."

Edited by Stickler

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I find this really weird. I'm sure I'll get used to it eventually, but I haven't yet.

 

Me: *goes to tdoc*

Tdoc: Hi Rosie. Is Mae there too?

Me: **looks around**

Me: I didn't notice...

 

How does she know when I don't!? It's so weird!

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Mom noticed I referred to myself(s) as "we" yesterday, and questioned, and I pointed to my head and said, "Yeah, 'we'".

She's really great at mentally editing anything that doesn't compute, she'll forget about it.

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OmG Stickler, that's my worst fear! (or one of them, anyway).

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i laugh and pass it off as "the royal we", as in "we don't lick our fingers at the table dear, we use a napkin".

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I say "we" a lot.  My brother used to say "Who's we, do you have a mouse in your pocket?"

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Last night was tense. GF's anxiety stuff set me off.

I've also been having some trouble sleeping, and some random grief.

Somebody came out, Pottymouth, I think, maybe. Then Joy, because my body felt huge and she was complaining about it. Then my nose started running and Joy bailed, snot grosses her out I guess.

I also woke up crying hard in the middle of the night.

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That sounds like a really rough night!

I can see why snot would gross someone out.

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Mentioned this in my blog but I met someone at a group that has issues with dp/dr. We didn't talk, but I am hoping to catch him next time to talk. His is related to anxiety, too. Maybe we can share some tips.

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We feel really wretched right now.

Therapist says we are not responsible for GF's feelings but everyone thinks that's a crock of horseshit ATM. We hurt her by not being what she was waiting for.

We feel ashamed as fuck for being polyamorous and refusing to make ourselves be what our girlfriend wants. She wants a wife. She denies it, but she was looking at her brother and his husband and being sad, and we know that's about us being a colossal disappointment.

She feels conned by us and we know it.

We sort of wish we could live with her, but we can't live with anybody we love because we have no defenses against them. They can walk right in and fuck with our minds like the ex did. It's not like we really like living alone.

Besides, we are also responsible for Mr Crazypants's feelings too, and what about that?

Edited by Stickler

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We hurt her by not being what she was waiting for.

 

 

i have lost count of the number of times we have said that about our husband.  it's a terrible feeling.  but it's true that none of us are responsible for others feelings or desires.  sorry you're feeling so wretched.

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everybody's playing the "it wasn't me" game.  i don't know if this is really true, or if we're all feeling so strange lately that everyone's memory is as bad as mine and i really don't know sometimes what i did or didn't do.  even if i remember it, i don't know if it was me.  because i don't feel like me.  so it must have been someone else?  but everybody says "no it wasn't" and i think they're kinda mad about my constantly asking.

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Question:  can y'all lose stuff in 5 minutes?

Asking, because we drive ourselves batty setting things down randomly.

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ohh yes.  all the damned time.  every item has a home here, and if it's not put in it's home, it could be ANYWHERE.  we have constant drills/nag sessions about this.  because if i want a cigarette and can't find the goddamned lighter one more time i'm getting one on a chain around my neck.

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Oh yes. I am always losing things within an approximately twenty foot radius of where I'm at.

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Figured out something...

 

The reason I'm so easily nudged into an emotional firestorm?

 

I have 5 school-age kids emoting and thinking (somewhat irrationally) through me.  Youngest is 5.

 

When triggered I explode inside with different and often opposing feelings and impulses...all cranked to maximum intensity, of course.

So GF has to remember...even though I am a pretty bright adult, on some level there's kids always present, and they take things concretely, and thus weirdly.  Too, they really BELIEVE everything she says.

Kids' emotions are very intense.

Kids are often overwhelmed and act out on their feelings.

 

My job as The Front (and I just heard from inside my head: "Ooh, swanky title with capital letters now, is it?) (Ahem).

My job as the front is to soothe the kids and restrain us from acting out while flipping out...wait until turbulence has passed, then deal with things from a calm mindset.

 

So I need to get my DBT workbook out and work on those coping skills...

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Nothing exist.

 

I don't exist.

You dont' exist.

*I forgot everything*

 

*Void*

 

 

everybody's playing the "it wasn't me" game.  i don't know if this is really true, or if we're all feeling so strange lately that everyone's memory is as bad as mine and i really don't know sometimes what i did or didn't do.  even if i remember it, i don't know if it was me.  because i don't feel like me.  so it must have been someone else?  but everybody says "no it wasn't" and i think they're kinda mad about my constantly asking.

 

.

I know this.

 

Also, my memory reset every weekend. They are not coherent, not united. I don't have an identity.

 

I know it; something happened two weeks ago. My fingers wrote it, but It wasn't me -I know, I know, but I can't feel "Me" there-

 

"Me" doesn't exist.

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