Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

lysergia

anybody on the DD spectrum want to share?

Recommended Posts

Off...

 

Off..

 

There only is a cloud inside my head.

 

Nothingness.

 

No feelings, no emotions, no mood.

 

Silence....

 

Sounds...are far....

 

I can't hear, I can't see.

 

It is not hot, it is not cold.

 

No pain, no pleasure.

 

 

Nothing.

Edited by Bixo

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Scared of learning our own history. If you think about it that's pretty fucked up.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

But if you think about it another way, it isn't fucked up at all, and totally understandable. Talk about a walk in the wilderness. Rosie, I can't imagine what you go through, but it sounds hard as fuck.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I understand totally.

I know there's a LOT that's still held by one committee member or another in my head...dunno when it will pop out.

My guy says: "remember, the worst has already happened (to us)."

We survived. We're safe now. Even if we feel terrified.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We have another (sub?) system here that I don't know anything about. No one around here knows much about it or if they are they are too scared of its power and influence to tell. The trouble is that it's abducting our littles, one by one. 

The harbinger arrived this morning. At some point things will need to come to a confrontation, but I don't know how. I hate drama and I worked so hard to not have drama-prone people in my outside life. Having internal drama is like some kind of arcane punishment.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi I'm new around these parts but need to explain to someone who will understand: my therapist said NOTHING when I tried to explain this, and there's no worse punishment for me than to feel like I am being misunderstood or ignored. I had an episode (I'm dx "mood disorder nos") a year ago and got locked up in my mind as three others came out of nowhere. There first was a Guard, whose only word to me was "NO" (in a voice I didn't recognize- like it was coming from someone outside my head, but I knew it was inside my head if that makes any sense) when ever I wanted to do something like leave the house or take a bath. Then a Witch, who tried very hard to take over completely, but I think the guard kept her separated from me (I was in prison). Then there was a Bear on a hill, who as long as he sat with his back to me, I could focus on him for moments here and there, but I had to look away if he started to turn around or something terrible would happen. If there was any time that they weren't there, I was convinced that I was dead. My hands started to float off my arms when I would reach for things, I started to see and hear things. I wish this were a dream, but it was my life for almost two weeks, and ever since then sometimes I feel like I have no continuity to my existence. But I got help after that episode, and those three all together have never returned, but the Witch and the Guard come back sometimes; the Guard is here today and won't let me leave my chair, so I'm reading and writing a lot on the computer. Reading your experiences here has been the first time I felt like "that's what I feel like!". Also writing this out helps me to actually believe that this actually happened and that I'm not just making it all up. Thanks for being here.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A self-destructive alter has been trying to front for a while now and I'm scared. She fronted last week and overdosed, and she's pissed that I've been ignoring her.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Jess, what some people do is they go IP and arrange for that person to be out in a safer setting. Is that an option at all for you?
Could you replicate it at home by not having access to methods of destruction while she's out?

Can you show her in any way internally that she's not being ignored?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm in a funk. Meeting new hurting ones is sad and hurt and never feels good because it means I have to start feeling their feelings and it hurts me. 

So yay them hurting less... but ow.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@ molekat, I missed your post b/c I was off with my own head stuff.

But I just read it, and i didn't want you to feel ignored by us too!

It sounds like a scary experience. I hope you keep posting.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

...last night I nearly set the house on fire by going to sleep with beans on the stove.

House still smells like carbonized beans.

...not the first time, but I really smogged up the house on this one.

...Going to make a store run and get a battery for the smoke detector tonight, as apparently I do need a working smoke detector..or to invest in canned beans.

Apparently I am not quite as focused as I feel.

Edited by Stickler

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

...last night I nearly set the house on fire by going to sleep with beans on the stove.

House still smells like carbonized beans.

...not the first time, but I really smogged up the house on this one.

...Going to make a store run and get a battery for the smoke detector tonight, as apparently I do need a working smoke detector..or to invest in canned beans.

Apparently I am not quite as focused as I feel.

I have done this a few times with beans, the smell does eventually go away.  Once I was housesitting a few miles away, and shot up in the middle of the night yelling "THE BEANS!" I had to drive back to my apartment at 4am, which was filled with smoke. Thanks for the acknowledgment above- I have since that only had the guard show up one other time, and after I upped my abilify a few weeks ago I am feeling quite good. I hope you're feeling more focused lately.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The previous one in here was gathering quotes. She wanted to let you know that she agrees. We're suddenly very tired, maybe it has taken more energy than we thought to read the thread. She had comments for all these quotes, but she can't come back out right now. We can sense her. She wanted to say that she's the first of us to feel like a self and ask if it would be inappropriate for her to take a name if she's not planning to stay out front forever. None of us are planning that. We don't know who's writing this, there's so, so many in here, and we're only letting the ones who agree on how to take care of the body we're in come out. The rest are so noisy, angry, taking up most of our head. 

We want to go to sleep, but a lot of the host parts are scared of that, so we'll hust sit here a bit. We don't want to delete the other one's quotes as she clearly wants to come back later.

Thank you for writing all your thoughts. We're feeling so much better. Sharing is so powerful with MI. <3

 

 

 

 

 

i guess i could just sum it up by saying that being multiple can be productive as all hell at times, but the price paid for that productivity is pretty fucking steep.

 

I know bipolar is an entirely different animal than DID, but I could have written your sentence about productivity and the consequences. It does really suck. And for me, what hurts the most is that sometimes, it gives me a glimpse of whom I could have been, but will never be, because I am mentally ill.

 

 

 

I'm worried that the only way I can survive my life is if I'm not here for most of it.  And that makes me feel so very, very alone.

 

 

I forget too, SYS.  People keep telling me things that I did or said that I don't remember.  It sucks.  I don't know where all the memory goes.

 

 

Yay! You figured out what happened!

That part, where I feel like a detective investigating ourselves, is always such a weird feeling for me.

 

 

Why do I have minimal short term memory?

 

 

@ rosie re: dissociation...yup, agreed.

 

I mean, shit, I was not allowed to officially notice that I was an aggregate person for 32 years, they are good. 

 I do notice more now...last time I was trying to get out the door to therapy, and I suddenly realized this was the third time I was hunting my pair of socks.

I asked internally, "Ok, who's hiding the socks and why?"

Toby (6) said "I'm scared to go! don't wanna!" 

:confused0078:

@ Firelamb:

I have one of those, and when she was verbally going off on me, all I could do was chant OM to drown her out, or reply in opposite positives to what she said.

 

 

I just wanted to say that I'm experiencing a deep sadness and loneliness right now. Something real and oddly satisfying about that sadness though.
We've been lugging around those tears long enough.
.........
Somebody pointed this out about incest families: there's generally no normal touching going on, no hugs, no cuddles.
They were totally right. I was more likely to get slapped than hugged. So lonely then.
It was just...here's this thing going on, and you just have to deal with it. I remember thinking space aliens had taken over my dad's body. I remember thinking I was being dreamed by my aunt, and all she had to do was wake up and I would not exist anymore. I really wanted her to wake up.

...The kids are all such brave little soldiers. I'm really honored to share a head with them. They saved me. Well, in a manner of speaking. Something survived, it just is not the original person, I'm only the hollowed- out shell of that dead kid.

I talk about the others because they are important. All the people in my head are.

 

 

every time I figure out another piece of the puzzle and put it in place I see someone more and more broken looking back at me

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Classes start tomorrow, and the excitement is fading into anxiety. My hands start to detach from my arms- fingers feel swollen and numb. I look in the mirror and it's unfamiliar, and I see myself like they will see me tomorrow: a stranger. I play with my facial expressions, trying to get the "right" ones. I can't talk without slowly reading from the cue cards in my mind, and it sounds echo-y and hollow and small. Very little stimuli is getting through to me. I'm ok though, just letting all this come and go, and will get to class tomorrow and just have fun making things out of clay. So I'm still a little excited...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Clarice, it's perfectly acceptable to have a name even if you're an Insider who never comes out. Some systems manage to function with out names - we're not one of those. When people turn up here one of the first things that we do is work with them to find a name. That way it's easier for us to make sure that they're alright. 

 

molekat, I hope that class went well. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Clarice, it's perfectly acceptable to have a name even if you're an Insider who never comes out. Some systems manage to function with out names - we're not one of those. When people turn up here one of the first things that we do is work with them to find a name. That way it's easier for us to make sure that they're alright. 

 

molekat, I hope that class went well. 

Thanks Winter Rosie, It did indeed go well! I am responding really well to a recent dose increase and am pretty amazed that I was able to walk into that classroom. I definitely have another persona when I'm in public, but it's still me and I don't feel completely detached from reality.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

me too, totally.  it's not the same as a switch at all, but i bet someone could confuse it for one because my public persona is so very different.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

lys, I'm trying to figure out what you're quoting here and I can't.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

oops!  the quote was supposed to be "I definitely have another persona when I'm in public, but it's still me and I don't feel completely detached from reality".

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Minds and bodies are weird.

 

I've been really dissociative the last week and I feel sleepy constantly.  Like fall asleep standing up exhausted, even though I'm sleeping 8-9 hours a night.  Same thing when I dissociate in a therapy session - I all of a sudden feel like I could just drop off on the spot, and if I do some grounding and manage to stop dissociating so much, I feel wide awake again.  

 

Not in a comfortable way.  Just...sleepy.

 

It's weird.

 

That is all.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Our therapist had a physical confrontation with one of my alters, a nasty male one who was threatening to hurt Anne (the host).  And our body got badly bruised in the process.  Now most of us understand that our therapist wasn't trying to hurt us, but Anne is still nervous and scared and wonders about the trust between the therapist and her.  Has anyone ever had anything like this happen to them or someone in their system?  The therapist has explained and apologized and offer to pay for anything medical.  And Anne is slowly getting more confident with the therapist again.  In case you are wondering, I, Enna, am one of the alters and I signed us up for this.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We haven't had it happen, although our tdoc had to have a talk with us about not breaking her stuff. It's good that he apologized although I suspect that Anne will need to hear it a lot over and over in order for it to sink in maybe? 

Or, depending on how organized you all are, maybe she doesn't go for a while and someone else does and Anne can watch from inside to see that it's safe again? (We're not that organized so it wouldn't work for us).

We played "what-if" with our tdoc for months because I was scared of things like that happening. Maybe Anne and your therapist can work to find alternate solutions in case a nasty one comes out again, before it happens again? That way she can see that your tdoc does have everyone's best interests in mind and didn't mean to hurt anyone.

I'm glad that she's slowly becoming more confident again. That sounds like really good progress has been made!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I still get really anxious but I haven't been dissociating (dp/dr). I don't know why I am staying grounded but I think it is a good thing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I binged watched two seasons of tv and now I can't seem to get myself grounded. Every detail in my life feels like a plot device in a movie that some one else is watching, every word out of my mouth sounds like dialogue. I don't want to eat because it feels too fake. My head is numb. I want to sleep my day away. I'm just going to pretend that I'm a character in the show that is sick, and needs bed rest. I wish I could pretend to eat or take a bath.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We just had the most DiD moment ever: a package that I had no idea about came for us in the mail with our name on it. And there's makeup inside. I'm so not a makeup person.

I swear they do these things just to keep me on my toes and shatter my illusions. So another

video.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×