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I feel like sometimes everything just seems to happen at once, or at the worst time possible. I haven't been able to afford my medication, and so haven't taken it in over a week, and on the weekend my partner and his dad got in a massive argument over our room being untidy (we live with his parents until we can afford our own place), which resulted in me hurting myself, which I'd so far managed to avoid doing for months. On that evening I got a call from my mum telling my my Grandad had passed away, and though I knew it was coming, I wasn't expecting it so soon. I just feel like everything is piling up around me and there's nothing I can do. Because I work full time I can't see the outreach worker I only just got off the waiting list for, and the only decent therapist I've had has a massive waiting list too. I honestly just feel quite lost.
Self harm is very addictive and it becomes an addiction at times and something that is so difficult to stop. Sometimes I wish I never started but now I just can't stop. Cutting has been a real struggle for me and I just relapsed and now everything seems to be depressed for me. I just wish that I wouldn't have to live with this addiction anymore. If any of you can relate, feel free to add your struggles too.
I've been having a rough time emotionally, and this is separate from my bipolar (even though my mental state has been fluctuating). I am in such emotional pain round the clock, that I have started to think about self harming again. So far I have been good and used therapy approved alternatives like holding ice/snow, markers, etc. I feel ashamed that I am falling into the same pattern of thinking. I have long since got rid of any tools I used before. I sleep horribly...I just want all this pain inside to go away.
My one wish tonight is that I could get a proper hug.
By Bostonian Aspergian
I was on a great path towards remission. Things were going great until last October when I had a fight with a friend who cut me out. Then my relationship with my girlfriend was getting strained due to finances. Then I stated to ruminate about my lack of a social life and how lonely I am. Also the typical signs of fall which is the season when my father died 6 years ago. So throw in parental grief into the mix.
Then the days stated to get shorter. And I stated to regress back into a dark place with suicidal thoughts triggered by the thought of never being able to talk to my ex BFF ever again, my failings with making new friends, and unresolved issues with my late father. Also my former friend asked me not to come back to the peer support group he runs. I have friends and social supports from ex-friends peer group.
About a a week and a half ago, the energy and life force evaporated. I stated oversleeeping or having bad bouts of insomnia. I have zero drive or motivation. It's definitely SAD affecting my MDD. I don't want to be this depressed, cranky, morose, or irritable. What should I change in my treatment plans to turn things around? I see a therapist for CBT. I'm overdue for a med review and adjustment. Currently on 20 mg Prozac, 75 mg bupropion, 50 mg lamactil, 10 mg ambien. I'm also binge drinking to drown out the negative thoughts and emotions.
This happens every year come October. What should I change in my meds or therapy to get my SAD and MDD back under control so that I can stop isolating myself, hiding in bed, drinking heavily, dreading living my life, and ruminating over cringe-worthy fails? I'm a mess. I worked so hard to get myself out of depression but all that work has evaporated. Help!