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Self harm is very addictive and it becomes an addiction at times and something that is so difficult to stop. Sometimes I wish I never started but now I just can't stop. Cutting has been a real struggle for me and I just relapsed and now everything seems to be depressed for me. I just wish that I wouldn't have to live with this addiction anymore. If any of you can relate, feel free to add your struggles too.
I've been having a rough time emotionally, and this is separate from my bipolar (even though my mental state has been fluctuating). I am in such emotional pain round the clock, that I have started to think about self harming again. So far I have been good and used therapy approved alternatives like holding ice/snow, markers, etc. I feel ashamed that I am falling into the same pattern of thinking. I have long since got rid of any tools I used before. I sleep horribly...I just want all this pain inside to go away.
My one wish tonight is that I could get a proper hug.
By Bostonian Aspergian
I was on a great path towards remission. Things were going great until last October when I had a fight with a friend who cut me out. Then my relationship with my girlfriend was getting strained due to finances. Then I stated to ruminate about my lack of a social life and how lonely I am. Also the typical signs of fall which is the season when my father died 6 years ago. So throw in parental grief into the mix.
Then the days stated to get shorter. And I stated to regress back into a dark place with suicidal thoughts triggered by the thought of never being able to talk to my ex BFF ever again, my failings with making new friends, and unresolved issues with my late father. Also my former friend asked me not to come back to the peer support group he runs. I have friends and social supports from ex-friends peer group.
About a a week and a half ago, the energy and life force evaporated. I stated oversleeeping or having bad bouts of insomnia. I have zero drive or motivation. It's definitely SAD affecting my MDD. I don't want to be this depressed, cranky, morose, or irritable. What should I change in my treatment plans to turn things around? I see a therapist for CBT. I'm overdue for a med review and adjustment. Currently on 20 mg Prozac, 75 mg bupropion, 50 mg lamactil, 10 mg ambien. I'm also binge drinking to drown out the negative thoughts and emotions.
This happens every year come October. What should I change in my meds or therapy to get my SAD and MDD back under control so that I can stop isolating myself, hiding in bed, drinking heavily, dreading living my life, and ruminating over cringe-worthy fails? I'm a mess. I worked so hard to get myself out of depression but all that work has evaporated. Help!
I don't know if anyone will ever read this but i feel that i need to let all this out. I'm not sure if this post needs a "trigger" warning as if it does you may not be in the right place but please continue to read
Random info : 14 from nz
so four days ago my parent was out for dinner and i was alone in the house for a while and i don't think anything triggered it i just kind of broke down and id never thought about self harm before that day but not knowing what was in my head i just lay down and cried for hours, after a while my parent came home and it was late so they went to bed (i managed to hide the fact that id been crying) and i sat up for a while listening to music and eventually i don't know what happened but the tears came back and i got the stupidest idea id ever had i got an ice pack out of the freezer and put it on my arm for a bit while i [got something to harm myself with--edited to remove specific method reference], i tried to cut my hand because i thought it would be easier to hide, (don't ever do it, it hurts like hell) and it stung like anything so i just stopped put the blade back and sat down for a while cradling my hand whispering "ill never touch my skin with a blade again", but eventually i got up again and [got the thing i used], i tried using the ice pack to numb the pain but it just made it hurt more (i wasn't doing it for pain, i don't know why i did it) so i ditched the ice and just began making lines in my skin, not deep but they drew a little blood. this was the worst thing I've ever done. I suffer from anxiety and used to suffer from depression and didn't ever think id turn to this.
Skip forward a few days and i was staying at my friends, she's one of my closest friends but she's not very experienced in how dark the world actually is, she's quite sheltered, and in the early hours of the morning we were just talking about secrets and i had told her id been to the hospital for mental problems before but wouldn't tell her why ( i did that night, shouldn't have) but somehow it slipped out that something worse had happened i was desperate to talk to someone, so eventually after she had gone through many websites i decided to man up and show her, this was the worst part. I was wearing a jersey to bed so that she wouldn't see my wrist, i pulled up my sleeve and turned a torch on my arm and i will never get her reaction out of my head, this girl is one of the least girly or cry babyish people I've ever met, yet that was the first time in 3 years that I've seen her cry, and it was my fault. I feel so terrible. I had 7 little scars on my arm and she cried herself to sleep. and its my fault.
Fast forward through another two rather quiet days (we're usually quite loud) and i got home today and i had talked to one of my very supportive and other closest friends over text and i had promised both girls that i couldn't and wouldn't cut again, and i thought that i couldn't. But i did. Im weaker than anyone i know, i cry so much and i cant handle things, i finally broke, and so without a single tear, i [got the tool] and made one more cut on my arm, I've been hiding it from my parent but I'm not sure how much longer they'll stay hidden. I don't know what to do, i broke a promise to two of my best friends, one of them who i knew was in a fit of tears, I'm so weak and useless, one of my friends hasn't messaged me back since we talked and I'm worried because i hope she doesn't hate me even though I'm probably just being paranoid.
im so grateful for you taking the time to read this, please if you have any tips let me know, I'm not feeling the best right now.
I cut a couple of days ago, a bit deeper than I usually go, and I'm really worried about one specific cut. Could it be infected??!? I really hope it isn't, as I can NOT tell my parents, I'm not ready to tell anyone.... Also, what should I do to help the cut heal? And if it is infected.....is there any way I could just leave it alone and hope for the best? Or do something myself? I'm wayyy too scared to tell a doctor, as I would have to tell my parents first. By the way, the cut is a bit more than an inch long and on my thigh.