50 posts in this topic
First time poster, long time reader. I've gotten so much advice from this site so I'm hoping someone can help me try to figure out what's going on with me or at least lend some advice.
I was first diagnosed with MDD at 19 years old during an 3 week inpatient stay after a severe, paralyzing depression, with anxiety, from a traumatic car accident. I'm now 40 years old and have suffered 4 moderate recurrent episodes, including this current one that slammed me out of blue about 6 weeks ago. I should also mention there is family history of bipolar, addictions and unipolar depression, so I'm well versed in symptomology, treatment and therapy.
Anyway, this current episode of depression is VERY different than any other episode I have suffered thru. I have no problem with motivation, concentration or energy and my mood is decent most days. I get up every morning at 6am (although I'm usually awake at 4a or 5a) with no problem and shower, get dressed, take care of my 2 dogs, drop my teenager off at school and then to work for an 8 hour day. Weekends are a little lazier and although I'm usually awake by 430a-5a, I don't get out of bed until 830a-9a.
Here's the dilemma...besides some days here and there that I feel hopeless, the biggest problem in this episode is insomnia and suicidal thoughts and intrusive thoughts. Just this morning, while laying in bed before I got up, I was thinking what my suicide plan would be and then had a disturbing image of my wrists being wrapped in gauze. Then I started thinking about who would miss me, what would my obit say, how many people would be at my funeral and what would my note say. I have NEVER had these thoughts in this intensity or this many in any other previous episode, at least to this extent. But as disturbing as this was this morning, I still got out of bed, showered, took care of the dogs and came to work like it was just a normal day. And the thoughts went away, for now.Needless to say, I find this very disturbing and nerve racking, because I don't and can't understand why I feel like my normal self during the day and then the dark thoughts are rampant in the morning when I wake and sometimes before I sleep.
About 4 weeks ago, my podc started me on Prozac, thinking it would be best for the ruminative, intrusive thoughts. However, about 12 days on 10mg, it was clear I was having a paradoxical reaction as the depression, intrusive thoughts and crying spells got worse and my mood was Ultra low. So, the pdoc changed to Viibryd and Seroquel and Gabapentin. I've now been on Viibryd for 24 days total (7 days at 10mg, 7 days at 20mg and 40mg for 10 days). Seroquel 200mg at bed with 600mg Gabapentin and 50mg Vistaril to help with insomnia. I also take 25mg-50mg of Seroquel at 9a, 1p and 5p as an adjunct to the Viibryd.
So, what gives?
How can I feel completely normal, like I'm almost back to 100% me but then be plagued by suicidal and intrusive thoughts at the same time?!? Is it simply a matter of that being the last symptom that will abate with the meds or do I need to ask pdoc to change meds again? I really hate to do that bc the Viibryd has worked so well for the anxiety, motivation and energy and mood.
Has anyone else ever experienced this?
Any advice, suggestions or feedback would be much so much appreciated!
By OCD Mama
I've done a little lurking and thought I would finally post something in hopes of being able to relate to others, get advice and perhaps even help others.
Let me introduce myself. I'm Sara, I am a 29 year old mother to one beautiful, 5 year old little girl. She's my only. And my everything. Not long after giving birth to my daughter, I developed postpartum depression and OCD. The OCD took the form of intrusive thoughts. Thoughts of harming my baby. Of course, this sent me on the worst anxiety roller coaster I had ever experienced. I didn't understand what was happening to me or why. I knew I didn't want the thoughts or to harm my tiny baby but I couldn't turn off the thoughts. I started googling and that was both a blessing and curse. I found stories of other women suffering from Postpartum OCD and quickly realized that I had just that. But I also came across awful stories of psychosis that only sent my anxiety to the highest peak imaginable. I eventually convinced myself that I would become psychotic and harm my child. I never had the desire to act on my thoughts (thankfully) but would have to assure myself that if I ever felt that I was going to act on the thoughts, I would take my own life before I harmed my child in any way. Now I was paralyzed with fear and unable to function so I sought out help. After a few trials of multiple drugs and psych's, I ended up on Luvox which literally saved my life. I stayed on for 3 years and functioned really well. Took a break for a year and then last year, had a particularly rough and stressful time in my life and I wasn't coping so well so I decided to go back on. About 6 months being back on Luvox, I became less motivated, anxiety started creeping back in and then the intrusive thoughts resurfaced briefly. The thoughts arent there so much now and I think they only lasted briefly because I recalled how to manage them from prior CBT therapy. However, the anxiety, the feeling of "Something is really wrong with me" wouldn't leave. So back to the psych I went. She ordered genetic testing which revealed I have the COMT met/met gene mutation- meaning I have excess dopamine in my brain. Luvox is not effective or has adverse reactions to those with this type of mutation and advised that I taper off because it was now ineffective. Which I don't understand completely because it worked well for so long before and now- nothing. So the tapering is going...I wouldn't say well... but it's going. Im down to 25mg. And let me tell you, this is HARD to get off of.
Looking back at my life, I realize that there were always OCD tendencies ad anxiety issues thanks to traumatic events in my childhood. But I guess full on OCD came on when I gave birth to my child.
Currently, I just feel something is "off", I have anxiety like crazy, I obsess with whether or not I am or will become schizophrenic because yup, my OCD has turned me into a compulsive "googler," As soon as I see an article about the gene mutation I have being related to schizophrenia or psychosis, I basically panic. (thought the literature says it isn't always) I get incredibly anxious and dizzy in public, I experience DP/DR, I have hypnagogic hallucinations which can be attributed to the meds, the anxiety or even narcolepsy. I'm not sure what it is that is "off" or if this is all attributed to tapering off of luvox. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for reading my story.
Anyone here try haloperidol to control OCD symptoms? If so how did things work out? I know everyone is different, I would just like to get a general picture. Truth be told, I'm pretty nervous because someone once told me about what a horrible drug it was and how it makes you kind of psychotic. Eek. However, my Pdoc is putting me on a very low dose (1-2mg daily.)
Any comments would be of big help.
Hi guys, it has been awhile....
Well, my OCD germaphobe habits are starting to tick badly again. I think it is the result of my actually going over to another person's place. OMG, right? I've been a couple of times and try to be polite, but I can't wait to leave and clean myself like crazy!!! This was before they got a pet. And this is the kicker...the last time I was over their pet made a mess on the floor, and they picked up the mess BUT DID NOT CLEAN THE FLOOR. For a moment I was literally paralyzed because I had to cross over that area to get to another spot. I pretended to shake it off, but for the rest of the visit I kept thinking about all the germs that could be on that carpet from now and before. It was horrible. I wanted to trash all my clothes. Now I am reluctant to visit again, but I can't really ignore this person.
So this is the problem. I told them at a previous visit (before the whole mess thing) that I was "a bit of a germaphobe." They were a little incredulous, but now I need to seriously tell them that this is a problem for me, but I'm not sure how. I have offered time and again to give them a pet carpet cleaner, but they decline. And I really don't want to go over there again because in my mind everything is contaminated. It wasn't so bad before the pet (well it was bad) but now....
Any ideas? I'd be glad to hear them. Until then I'll be alienating "dirty" clothes, showering, washing my hands, lysol spraying the doorknobs, and glaring at people who sneeze in public.