How am I supposed to feel when I'm labeled crazy or not normal? A confident told me I'm not normal. Naturally at first I felt defiant, nah that ain't me. But when it hits and you start to believe it, loneliness becomes reality. Invisble barriers start to form. A pinge of panic sets in. Obviously you can't share crazy with just anyone, it has to be another self-identified crazy person. And that same person that called you crazy gives you support then takes it away suddenly to see if your marriage will fail because you are crazy and your normal husband cant handle/help you. I dont know where I'm getting with this. I felt hurt.
Anyone want/need to rant about being labeled insane? What is your story?
I've been in therapy for 5 years. Also medicated. I have a good job. I have a supportive husband. I have a home. But years of abuse and insanity still get the better of me sometimes and I feel like I don't deserve anything good, or that people will "find out" that I am a horrible person (I have bad elements and good), and I still have days/weeks. when I am extremely self destructive. The current incarnation is that (a) I am fighting dwindling self consciousnes and social awkwardness, - all part of myregular repertoire - but now (b) for no reason whatsoever I am fighting against the development of an eating disorder, which is a new development in my crazy. I am in my late forties. WTH, brain? WHY? Why do I do this to myself?
By Fluent In Silence
I imagine that most people, when meeting someone new, must think that the other person should like them. I've always thought more along the lines of "Don't let them get to know you well enough to hate you!" I don't like myself so why would anyone else? Better to be alone than suffer the pain of rejection. Except that it's shit being alone. It's shit that any good thoughts or feelings have nowhere to go because you're alone. It's shit that nothing seems worthwhile because you'll be doing it alone. It's shit that you can't remember the last time you touched another human being, and I'm not even talking about sex - just a simple hug or holding someone's hand. I'm not at all sociable or extroverted. I've sometimes thought that being a lighthouse keeper on some deserted rock would be my ideal job. But "Don't you want somebody to love? Don't you need somebody to love? Wouldn't you love somebody to love? You better find somebody to love." Yes! I'd love someone to love. Somebody save me from myself and my shitty thoughts!
But then there's the old Groucho Marx quote about not wanting to belong to a club which will have someone like me as a member. You love me? Why? What's wrong with you? It's probably all bullshit. I've met other people who despise themselves - people who'd rather punch themselves in the face than accidentally step on your toes. Lovely, compassionate, fragile people who deserve to think better of themselves than they do. But I'm not like them, oh no, I deserve it, for some reason that I'm not sure of. Always easier to feel sympathy for others than for yourself.
Maybe I'm a nice and reasonably intelligent person. I don't deliberately try to hurt other people and I haven't killed anyone, today (Just joking. I beat a mime artist to death today by miming hitting him with a baseball bat). Oh I don't know. I'm hopefully not racist, homophobic or misogynistic, though I'm probably doing it wrong like I've always done everything wrong. Oh shut up! What was the point of this post again? I have no idea at this point. I really need a girlfriend.
I've left high school and my hometown. I came here, and I was happy. But I could still hear my family and my old classmates demeaning me and hating me in my head. My concentration isn't what it used to be, so I've not been my best academically, which is a huge trigger.
I've started on my hip now so no one knows. I'm so ashamed
So I've been with my boyfriend on and off for almost 5 years. I want to love him I really do, I want to have a good relationship. But we don't even have sex. I'm 21 years old, almost 22. I still love with my mom and I suffer from depression. I'm worried I'll fall into a spiral of depression like I did the last time we broke up and I almost committed suicide. It would be so much easier if I had someone to talk to to tell me it would all be fine and i will find somebody else who makes me way more happy. Honestly I don't remember when my life was somewhat normal. I work 50,000 times harder then my boyfriend. I actually make decent money and I'm going places and being recognized for things I do. Where as my boyfriend hasn't worked in months, he just now got a job that pays him an average amount of money. For a man I think it's shit pay. My dad and all the men in my family basically except my mom side. Work super hard for their cash. My dads side is very traditional in that sense. So the fact that I'm dating a low life is very concerning. I have cheated and we broke up then got back together a few times. We have got in raging fights etc I've thrown things. Clearly very unhealthy. I used to be much happier. I wish I had friends. My only friend is my mom and him. It's very depressing. Right now I'm on a very low dose of escitalopram. Which helps a bit and my job definitely helps but I don't have a good support system at home. I miss having friends and a supportive boyfriend. I don't know how to help this situation. Or maybe I do and I just need some encouragement. Any advice? Anyone been through something similar? No judgment please. If I want judgment I'll go to Yahoo answers... lol thanks in advance 🤗😩
photo is from when we first started dating maybe less than I year in.