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hi everyone,  I'm Emily,  28 married 2 kids...  Still stuck in this bullshit disease.  Miserable most of the time. Definitely isolated and lonely,  I feel like I'm the only one struggling even though I'm not. 

Diagnosed anorexic years ago,  got pregnant,  second time was a living hell for me!  Lots of purging ..  Back to restricting postpartum,  then crept to binge eating and bulimia,  now "ednos". Really wanna break purging.  Used to be almost everyday til I had a major health scare a month ago.  Now a couple times a week.  Wanna make it none but ya know,  much easier said then done.  

Also bipolar and borderline,  def depression in there. And anxiety. lots of med experimentation.   "Fun" !! 

Any who that's me!  Just looking for support and friendship,  somewhere I can go rant about all this shit I go through daily.  Sick of fighting alone:(

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Hello and welcome to crazyboards!

I completely understand how isolating and alone it can feel. It's shitty. I hope that you can find the support that you need to get down to none. If you have any questions/comments/concerns/inquiries etc please don't hesitate to PM the staff member of your choice. 

Looking forward to seeing your posts around :)

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I'm sorry you feel alone.  You are not alone though.  Rant all you want!

I had an ED for 20 years, and I went through the anorexia and bulimia all throughout that time.  I did the restricting, and the binging then starvation and laxatives.  I regret so much taking the laxatives because I now have intestinal problems that I don't see going away any time soon. All of it really sucked and was a terrible struggle to go through.

I never purged, and as I found out later on in the ED what purging would have done to me and my teeth, this scared me:

http://www.healthline.com/health-slideshow/bulimia-teeth

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/dental-complications-eating-disorders

http://www.ada.org/en/member-center/oral-health-topics/anorexia-nervosa

(^^Scroll down to symptoms).

So I was glad I'd never started it/it stopped me from even thinking about purging, making that not an option.

Edited by melissaw72

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Welcome, Fun! I know what you mean, still being stuck. I thought that after high school, it would go away, or after college, or something. I restricted and overexercised in high school and college- luckily, I have stopped that, but my overeating and guilt are still very much alive.

You're totally not alone in this. Lots of people are struggling with these issues here. 

Are you on any meds currently? It would be helpful to put that and your diagnoses in your signature (so you don't have to repeat yourself). Just click your name at the top of the page, and go to account settings. :)

I'd also recommend starting a blog. It's been super helpful for me and the only way I manage to remember to write down symptoms. It helps me track my moods and all so that when I have a doctor's appointment, I can just look back at the blog. :)

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Thanks everyone you're all so nice!  

It is a fucking nightmare!!!!!  Purged today :( and yesterday... And the day before that...   Thing is I know how bad it is for me.  It's like impossible to stop.  Or feels that way.  Not long ago I had low electrolytes and started taking prenatals because my mom inlaw  said they're better than a normal daily one.  Idk whyyyy my moron self didn't do that already!  

Yeah my teeth definitely feel the effects of it.  I cannot cannot chug cold water or any beverage I have to use the squirt water bottle thingys.  Anything cold... Ouch.  I can only imagine what a dentist would say.  

When I was on welbutrin a couple years ago doc told me to get off of it as causes seizures with purging. She gave me it as a smoking cessation which did not work at all lol.  

I have an 8 year old who I know knows what I'm doing unfortunately.  I'm a horrible mother. She thinks it's cuz of celiacs.  . Also still nursing my 3 year old and I know it drains vitamins more.  

Sadly and sickly I almost "miss" being anorexic because I am that disgusting of a human.  I swear I rarely purged at all before attempt of treatment/recovery it's so odd.  Omg and I forgot....  I didn't have a period for 6 months and then instead of having one as my body was recovering,  I found out I was pregnant! I'm so so sooo happy I have my son but good lord it was awful.  I literally begged my midwife multiple times if she'd induce me early and sob and sob to her at how ugly and huge I felt.  Then around 8 months she put me in zoloft.  It did help and for some stupid reason I decided to stop taking it shortly after my sons first bday. I think it might've been because I felt like "it made me hungry". Who knows!  

I'm so fucking sick of this bullshit!!!!!!  Fed up with myself!  Always promising all this "new day start over" crap when it just keeps repeating itself!!!!  

The only thing that has helped me stop urges and purging altogether was topamax.  I was on that back in June/July til it starting giving me anxiety and panic attacks which I've never felt til then and they we're debilitating.  I still have anxiety attacks and it's always when I have to go somewhere which my husband thinks it's in my head and I'm overreacting.  Doc prescribed me xanax but I refuse to take it.  I'm gonna ask for the one you suggested melisaw...  

I honestly wanna ask doc for topamax again?  Am I stupid?  Maybe maybe if I'm taking something that reduces anxiety along with it,  it'll be ok?  I go see him on Friday.   .. 

I'm very chatty and annoying I apologize

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3 hours ago, Funindysfunctional said:

Doc prescribed me xanax but I refuse to take it. 

Why do you refuse to take it?  Personally I'd tell my DR so maybe there is another one out that can be prescribed that would help better and that you are willing to take.  Propranolol works for anxiety; it is a beta blocker but still works.  Klonopin also works.  For me ativan didn't work but it is another anti-anxiety med out there.

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I'm scared because I read it's addictive and people sell them to get high?  

I'm a recovering alcoholic but never any other additions.  My husband doesn't want me to take it because he thinks it's just gonna konk me out and make me useless.  

Honestly I want to try it.  Just for the bad situations.  I was able to go out and actually go inside the library today!  Sounds incredibly stupid but going inside places makes me have huge anxiety attacks,  super super shaky fast heartbeat feeling like I'm gonna pass out or something will happen... Ridiculous.  I am annoyed by it and at myself I sound like an idiot.  

I guess that's probably why they make xanax!  Lol 

My daughter has tennis later I may take one depending on how bad I feel.  

I go see my doctor tomorrow,  which I have been looking forward to for weeks!  I'm going to ask him more about it and different options for me.  Ideally I'd like to find something that will work in the long term so I won't have to pop benzos everyday.  

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13 hours ago, Funindysfunctional said:

I'm scared because I read it's addictive and people sell them to get high?  

It isn't addictive if you take as prescribed.  You may become dependant on it.  Addiction is abuse.

13 hours ago, Funindysfunctional said:

My husband doesn't want me to take it because he thinks it's just gonna konk me out and make me useless. 

That may happen in the beginning or if you take too many, or the dose is too high, which are all possible.  But once you settle on the right dose you don't become "useless."

13 hours ago, Funindysfunctional said:

Honestly I want to try it.  Just for the bad situations.

I'd give it a chance.

 

13 hours ago, Funindysfunctional said:

I go see my doctor tomorrow,  which I have been looking forward to for weeks!  I'm going to ask him more about it and different options for me.  Ideally I'd like to find something that will work in the long term so I won't have to pop benzos everyday.

I hope your DR appt goes well.  Definitely talk to him/her about different options if you don't feel comfortable with xanax.  Personally I have been on xanax since 2001, and my dose range has been high, to now very low (0.5 mg/day), which I only take as needed.  I have never become addicted to it, and only take it as prescribed.  I don't even need it every day.

I don't think it is a matter of "popping" benzos ... it is a matter of taking a medication as prescribed.

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So I did end up taking one yesterday.  I bring one with me when I go out in case and yesterday I felt a big one coming on while shopping and ran to the restroom like a crazy person and locked myself in a stall then I though eff this and I took it.  Like 15 mins later I could go back out to join my family like a normal human.  

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Welcome!  I'm glad you found the boards and felt comfortable venting to us. 

Unfortunately, eating disorder recovery can be a long, winding path.  And the secretive nature of ED behaviors can lead to a lot of shame and isolation.

You mentioned Topamax helping in the past. Have you thought about naltrexone?  It is often prescribed off label for binge eating and bulimia.

Also, do you see a therapist?  Finding a tdoc who specializes in eating disorders can be extremely helpful.

 

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1 hour ago, Funindysfunctional said:

So I did end up taking one yesterday.  I bring one with me when I go out in case and yesterday I felt a big one coming on while shopping and ran to the restroom like a crazy person and locked myself in a stall then I though eff this and I took it.  Like 15 mins later I could go back out to join my family like a normal human.  

I know you were really hesitant in taking it but I'm glad you took one and it worked out for you. 

I agree with seeing a therapist.

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Thanks,  weird how one thing can make you feel different so quickly.  Using only in desperate times.  

I got seroquel rx yesterday,  supposed to level the anxiety so I'm hoping it'll be down as it starts to kick in.  

I cannot find a good therapist.  I had one about 4 years ago that was amazing but she transferred to the east coast.  I was very sad.  . All the other ones haven't had a good connection with and lied to me,  posted it in other posting....  

A couple months ago I saw a psychotherapist and was excited about the treatment.  Until the 4th session when she told me to really "feel better" I need to get off of my medicine because it is like "masking the brain" HA! 

Dead serious.  I didn't go to another session after that.  Who says that?!?!?!?! 

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