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How to be taken seriously when you can't handle it anymore but you don't act out -Trigger Warrning-

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''I have thought on buying a scalpel, disinfect the area, cut to the bone where there are no arteries... so they may understand the emotional pain is so high this phyisical pain is nothing. But probably they would say I am borderline even if it won't be impulsive and because of abandonmnent, but organized and planned with total serenity.'' http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php?/topic/67859-anyone-on-the-schizophrenia-spectrum-want-to-share/&do=findComment&comment=930248

 

I don't have any more benzos, suddenly, after taking a heavy dosage.

I don't have more lamotrigine after taking c moderate dosage.

Restlessness, agitation and anxiety is so bad at the point it makes me want to jump through the window even if I don't want to die, just shut off my brain.
My psychiatrist didn't take me seriously... even about the meds issue.
I don't have BPD, I have psychosis and dissociation due to trauma.

Once I tried to self extract blood with a needle,1h before I was in ER trying to tell them I didn't feel well, they said it was anxiety and didn't allowed me to explain myself, actually I was deluded and thought my blood was poisoned and I wanted to thanks entities for thee information.
I dissociate to much I can be panicking inside, dying by anxiety... and look fine, because I freeze, I don't feel pain, I look neutral. They are too used to people who acts out. I alwa
ys tell them this so they know I can be feling horrible and look OK, but they don't believe me or don't care or think I can wait.


How I do to make them take me seriously?


I don't have family or friends, I am extremely poor, I cannot handle the situation by my own anymore and doctors don't help. I am desperated, I will end up dead if I don't find a solution, I c
an't handle it anymore by my own. ER and IP don't help.

Edited by Bixo

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Bixo, I just want to yell you that I care.  Idk if it means anything, but I do.

The only thing I can think of at the moment is finding a new pdoc ... I'm sure this has been brought up before, but I don't remember why you are still with your current pdoc (sorry!).  I realize you don't have a lot of money.  But when you compare how you are doing now (are you paying the current pdoc out-of-pocket?) vs how you could be doing better with a new pdoc (who you could work with and who listened and believed you), to me at least, it would be worth the extra money because I would be desperate in your shoes too, and would also be at the end of the rope.  And maybe a new pdoc would even let you pay on a sliding scale if you told him/her about why you can't pay full price.  I think it is worth a shot to at least look around for a new one.

I hope at least some of this helps.

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I don't pay anything with this pdoc. He works at a day hospital which is public. I cannot change since If I do I won't be given the disability money, you have to be in a day hospital or other kind of facility that's something more than a regular outpatient clinic to be considered 'disable' enough to get money, and this is the only day hospital in the area and the only pdoc a the day hospital, moreover he is the day hospital chief.

Edited by Bixo

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Have you tried saying this specifically?  Kind of like a "look, I'm never going to act out, but I feel as miserable as if I would and I can't handle it anymore" conversation?

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54 minutes ago, dancesintherain said:

Have you tried saying this specifically?  Kind of like a "look, I'm never going to act out, but I feel as miserable as if I would and I can't handle it anymore" conversation?

Before talking to him I told them I could feel I was dying by anxiety but never act out, instead I freeze, and added 'Like right now'

3 minutes ago, Persona_Is_Life said:

Is there another pdoc in the clinic who can help you?

No, he is the only one.

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I don't know, I want to die so badly.

When at the end of the talk he told me It has been a waste of his time talking to me as an emergency appointment because he has other patients waiting... you know... I am a bastard, my family never loved me... I was always something less than a human... I felt.... horrible... and have been... crying for that...

 

Waste of time

 

I cannot forget that word.

 

I am a waste of time.

talking to me 30 minutes is  a waste of time

Edited by Bixo

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3 minutes ago, Persona_Is_Life said:

If anything, your time is wasted. Time you could spend getting help/better. What about another hospital or program?

There are not as far as my pdoc told me when I asked.

 

I see in your signature you want to be a pharmaD. I am studying a degree in pharmacy, here is a degree that lasts 5 years and you become a regular pharmacist and you can open a pharmacy, optional + 4years of a  residency specialization like hospital pharmacy.

Edited by Bixo

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I have always tried to be good. I study pharmacy to specialize on hospital pharmacy o psychopharmacology, I am a volunteer at the red croix, I adopt animals....


But still I
am a bastard.

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13 minutes ago, Bixo said:

I have always tried to be good. I study pharmacy to specialize on hospital pharmacy o psychopharmacology, I am a volunteer at the red croix, I adopt animals....


But still I
am a bastard.

I couldn't get myself together enough to do well in school. I blew my chances at working towards qualifying. The mental maladies won. I might not even finish my Bachelor's.

 

Volunteering at the Red Cross is a good idea. I've been working as a technician for the last 6 years.

You aren't a bastard. Clearly the treatment laid out for you by your team isn't working. It isn't a failure on your part, or even theirs. Shit happens. Where about are you in the world? Are there other resources you can explore?

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Just now, Persona_Is_Life said:

Where about are you in the world? Are there other resources you can explore?

No, I am looking for something since May and nothing... they always tell me to go to the day hospital and talk with my pdoc.

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He said I was a waste of time, maybe he thought I wasn't that bad, therefor the emergency appointment wasn't neccesary.

 

I don't know what I could do to show him I am. I won't self harm or try to kill myself to seek attention, and writting doesn't work.

 

I asked for clorazepate 2 weeks ago for extreme anxiety, nurse told me the maximum is 60mg, I told her to give me 60mg, she said no because it's only for people who are havin severe anxiety or panic at ER, I told her I was having it but I am a covert and don't act out. She gave me 15mg.

It didn't help.

Edited by Bixo

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Hi Bixo, 

There are a couple of things that help me when I feel anxius and in crisis, maybe you can try them. I walk to calm dawn. I can walk for hours till i fell exhausted. It help me think or, if i don't wanna think, i listen some music while walking.

The other thing i do is take a cold shower or put some ice cubes in my hands. I can't really explain how it helps, but it makes my body focus in something especific.

I hope you feel better.

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15 minutes ago, Persona_Is_Life said:

So your anxiety isn't being taken seriously? Or overall? What specifically do you need that you think may help?

The anxiety, restlessness is caused by lamotrigine, but without lamotrigine I get depressed.... so I wanted..... since benzos don't work.....

Gabapentin+lamotrigine

art therapy or group therapy for trauma o psychosis

individual therapy

 

He refused to give me gabapenntine,, and this anxiety, restlessness,... is too extreme to bear it more without any other med helping me, so I stopped lamotrigine. Then I am getting depressed

Edited by Bixo

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I think next week I am leaving a letter telling him if he doesn't do or find anything to help me, I am killing myself on 24 December because I don't know what to do anymore, I can't do more anymore, I have tried everything I have found, I can't handle it anymore, I can't help myself anymore and It's not fair to suffer this much.

Edited by Bixo

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I wonder why he refused gabapentin. As far as I know, it isn't a drug that's abused. Is an inpatient stay a possibility?  If you are truly in crisis (and it sounds like you are), tell the doctor to listen to you or you'll go to the ER.

Better yet, it is possible to participate in the program, but have an outside psychiatrist sort out your meds?

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14 minutes ago, Persona_Is_Life said:

I wonder why he refused gabapentin. As far as I know, it isn't a drug that's abused. Is an inpatient stay a possibility?  If you are truly in crisis (and it sounds like you are), tell the doctor to listen to you or you'll go to the ER.

Better yet, it is possible to participate in the program, but have an outside psychiatrist sort out your meds?

Being IP is not an option since the last time was traumatizing, they don't are prepared to deal with people with trauma and dissociation and just make you worse. The pdoc I had said I had pervasive developmental disorder NOS when I was IP, and I was IP because I was suicidal... he threatened me, insulted me, .... 'because I am autistic and need to be treated rough', plus the nurse said I believe myself pretty mature because I left my parents at 18 while I am just a nasty kid -I was severly abused, sexually, phyisically and emotionally-.

It's not possible, you can be signed in one facility at the same time. When you go yo yhe day hospital automatically my pdoc is your pdoc since he is the only one.

 

I don't have autism....

....

 

....

He diagnosed me with PDD-NOS at 20. My pdoc found it ridiculous.

Edited by Bixo

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But yeah, I should be IP. I am in a huge crisis, without anyone to ask for help in case it gets extremely dangerous. I want to waint until 24 deceber to see if it gets better, if not I kill myself and that's it. But if I begin to feel worse I will do it before 24 December.

Edited by Bixo

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Bixo, I don't know where you are, but in America if you walk into a hospital's ER, look a doctor or nurse in the eye, and say "I am going to kill myself," they have to take it seriously. If you need to be IP, go to the hospital, park your ass in the waiting room, and do not leave until someone helps you. If they try to turn you away, walk out of the exam room and sit right back down. You are not a bastard and you deserve to live, and live well.

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1 hour ago, Gearhead said:

Bixo, I don't know where you are, but in America if you walk into a hospital's ER, look a doctor or nurse in the eye, and say "I am going to kill myself," they have to take it seriously. If you need to be IP, go to the hospital, park your ass in the waiting room, and do not leave until someone helps you. If they try to turn you away, walk out of the exam room and sit right back down. You are not a bastard and you deserve to live, and live well.

I live in Spain, and as I said, las time I was IP for being suicidal the pdoc I was assigned  the next day decided I was autisic and not depressed, and treated me roughly because 'autistic people don't understand'. He threatened me, insulted me, shouted at me, forced me to take meds I took before which caused me severe side effeces while I had told him do, ....

 

Once I went because I had very bad joint pain, I have hyperflexia and it can cause pain, I did want you say in bold and the gatekepper gentenly walked outside with me. They didn't want me to be a pain killer, even a non opiate one.

There is not another hospital in the area.

Edited by Bixo

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