iaawal

I figured out why I'm being spied on and tracked!

21 posts in this topic

Gotta love how the rational mind tells me this probably goes on this board. 

Anyways, I put things together because I was discussing in my head. I've always been spied on. But now people are after me. And I left a cryptic message (warning?) about the truth. The truth. I'm uncovering something in my sleep and they know. They know. Now they're sending people after me and they have someone hiding in my closet. That person is probably the one looking at my dreams since people have to be in close range to read my thoughts. That or they've been looking at my dreams via something implanted. But that wouldn't make sense. Wouldn't I notice if something was implanted? The only time I've been under anesthesia was a couple years ago when I got my wisdom teeth removed so yeah. Nope. Definitely being spied on.

Part of me says don't tell pdoc and tdoc I found out why I'm being tracked and spied on. They're only going to discourage me and tell me it's not true. There is some truth. Why else would I have been targeted. What is that truth. Should I continue to uncover it? It's happening in my dreams. It explains why my dreams never make sense because they're being scrambled or something to confuse me. 

Also, when I realized this I jumped for joy and I started flipping off all of my neighbors and my cat looked at me like I'm a freak. Oops. 

Oh I feel like such a failure for accepting this is true. I feel like I'm going to be told it's not by pdoc and tdoc. I kind of don't even want to mention this realization because they'll say that if I realize it then I know it's not true. That just feels invalidating. But it makes me so happy to realize this it's liberating. 

Edited by iaawal

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

hey there,

i've had very similar things happen to me. i just want you to know that i'm reading and if you want to talk about it more, i'm on chat. i think you should tell your therapist and/or psychiatrist, but i also fully understand why you wouldn't want to.

please be careful with yourself. xx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, mellifluous said:

hey there,

i've had very similar things happen to me. i just want you to know that i'm reading and if you want to talk about it more, i'm on chat. i think you should tell your therapist and/or psychiatrist, but i also fully understand why you wouldn't want to.

please be careful with yourself. xx

I sent my pdoc an updated email telling him about the realization. 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, iaawal said:

I sent my pdoc an updated email telling him about the realization. 

good idea :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Pdoc responded to my email about 20 minutes ago. I called the clinic in the morning and requested that they ask him to get back to me today. He said, "it sounds like you're dealing with a lot." He offered to give me a call so that we can come up with a plan. He still hasn't called yet but at least I know he'll get back to me. Thanks, melli. Today was eh. My anxiety is through the roof. My dreams are still being scrambled and I'm not seeing them very much. I'm sweating even more. I'm tempted to turn on a recorder at night to see if I can record myself screaming. That's how I know I'm having a nightmare. I scream in my sleep. 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I spoke to pdoc and he's having me go off the fluoxetine and start paxil for the social anxiety. He said to try to focus on what I want to do. He said it's good that I'm questioning it. But rational mind is questioning it. Not me. I think. Confusing. Now I feel like crying. He might be in on it. He asked what I was going to do about all of this (i.e. am I going to go out and confront someone) and I said I wasn't going to do anything. I'm not a confrontational person. Time to cry. Faking faking faking. 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I will say that it seems unlikely to me. I'm an engineer. There isn't technology that can allow people to read your thoughts or view or scramble your dreams like you're experiencing. It would be pretty cool (and terrifying) if there was though. Our understanding of the brain just isn't to that level though (yet).

I sometimes worry I'm being tracked. Mostly though, I think that's deluded thinking. I'm pretty boring. Who would want to spy on or track me? I don't have anything to hide. I'm actually embarrassed by how *little* I do and I can't understand why anyone would want to be my friend, let alone target me surreptitiously like that. Maybe it's the same for you? Something to consider. 

I'm glad you told your pdoc about it. It sounds like he was pretty good in his response to you - he didn't just roll his eyes and tell you you're crazy. It seems like a good thing to tell tdoc about too. Maybe you could share this post, so your tdoc knows how conflicted you feel? What would be a helpful response from either of them?

Regardless of all that though, what you're going through sounds pretty scary. I'm listening too, if you want to talk about it. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hmm. Most people's dreams don't really make sense. I dream about all kinds of crap. I'm not saying that people aren't spying on you but do you think there's a chance that maybe things have just changed and you're not dreaming as vividly as you used to? I don't know what causes it but I don't recall having so many dreams before as to what I have now. I don't know if it's something in the mind or what.

Try to take it easy, guy. It must be stressful, it was for me when I thought the government was spying on me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, iaawal said:

I spoke to pdoc and he's having me go off the fluoxetine and start paxil for the social anxiety. He said to try to focus on what I want to do. He said it's good that I'm questioning it. But rational mind is questioning it. Not me. I think. Confusing. Now I feel like crying. He might be in on it. He asked what I was going to do about all of this (i.e. am I going to go out and confront someone) and I said I wasn't going to do anything. I'm not a confrontational person. Time to cry. Faking faking faking. 

please consider sending another email ...maybe cut/paste this into it...? i worry that the increased antidepressants will just exacerbate your situation since you're not on antipsychotics. i know it's hard to explain and i totally get being suspicious that people are in on things...but i implore you to try. 

 

much love to you, -melli xx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Geek said:

I will say that it seems unlikely to me. I'm an engineer. There isn't technology that can allow people to read your thoughts or view or scramble your dreams like you're experiencing. It would be pretty cool (and terrifying) if there was though. Our understanding of the brain just isn't to that level though (yet).

I sometimes worry I'm being tracked. Mostly though, I think that's deluded thinking. I'm pretty boring. Who would want to spy on or track me? I don't have anything to hide. I'm actually embarrassed by how *little* I do and I can't understand why anyone would want to be my friend, let alone target me surreptitiously like that. Maybe it's the same for you? Something to consider. 

I'm glad you told your pdoc about it. It sounds like he was pretty good in his response to you - he didn't just roll his eyes and tell you you're crazy. It seems like a good thing to tell tdoc about too. Maybe you could share this post, so your tdoc knows how conflicted you feel? What would be a helpful response from either of them?

Regardless of all that though, what you're going through sounds pretty scary. I'm listening too, if you want to talk about it. 

Geek the engineer. :P cool! 

I mean, yeah, if we had that technology then it'd be all over the news. But I can't help but think the government is keeping it a secret. There's a bunch we don't know. In my mind there are teeny tiny cameras the size of a grain of salt that are embedded everywhere. 

I'm the same. I hang out with my cat and sleep. I live an exciting life. :\ The thing is I've been spied on for over a decade. During that time I've lived in 3 cities (2 states) and 4 apartments and it still hasn't stopped. I can feel being watched. I've accepted it as a part of life till the day I die. I think I'm uncovering the reason why. I'm making sense of it. I'm also afraid of sounding like an ignorant fool who exaggerates. I don't want to get in trouble and scolded and embarrass my boss (he knows my boss) because he has an idiot working for him. 

He's a really nice guy. Maybe he was rolling his eyes while we were on the phone lol. I see tdoc on Wednesday after not seeing him for 2 weeks. I feel they still don't understand my minds though and it's difficult to make sense of them and why I have a rational part. They're not mentally ill. Just me. I think a helpful response from them would be acknowledging that it's distressing for me even if I don't confront people. I want to sometimes confront people about why they're spying on me but I cried because a bus driver raised his voice. I don't do well with other people being upset. I suspect people wouldn't be happy about being confronted. 

Thanks, Geek. 

3 hours ago, Southern Discomfort said:

Hmm. Most people's dreams don't really make sense. I dream about all kinds of crap. I'm not saying that people aren't spying on you but do you think there's a chance that maybe things have just changed and you're not dreaming as vividly as you used to? I don't know what causes it but I don't recall having so many dreams before as to what I have now. I don't know if it's something in the mind or what.

Try to take it easy, guy. It must be stressful, it was for me when I thought the government was spying on me.

My dreams never make sense. They tend to be pretty weird. I have discovered a lot of things and I'm challenging myself to stick with therapy. So it's been getting more difficult with that. I hope the government isn't spying on you anymore. 

3 hours ago, mellifluous said:

please consider sending another email ...maybe cut/paste this into it...? i worry that the increased antidepressants will just exacerbate your situation since you're not on antipsychotics. i know it's hard to explain and i totally get being suspicious that people are in on things...but i implore you to try. 

 

much love to you, -melli xx

I think pdoc doesn't think I've ever been psychotic. I looked at the recent visit summary and it said other depression and didn't mention history of psychosis. Today he said that even when I was on antipsychotics my worries about being spied on, mind reading, etc. didn't go away so controlling the social anxiety might reduce those since I guess those concerns have to do with people. Which is why he decided on paxil. For the social anxiety. So it's never been psychosis. I think that's what they're going for. Idk. 

Tdoc has called it pseudo-delusions before so I don't think he thinks I've ever been psychotic. 

It's because of rational mind and the others that I can think about things in a rational way and therefore have always had insight and don't really believe in the delusions 100%. But I do. I also don't confront people which makes it seem like I don't believe in them. I just go with what they think. I'm so afraid to challenge pdoc's thoughts. I already wasted 20 minutes of his life today. I don't want him to get mad at me. Rational mind says "iaawal, pretty sure he won't get extremely angry at you." 

I remember pdoc mentioning that if it starts getting in the way of things we'll talk again. What am I doing wrong? Have I not communicated that everything I do (walk, turn around, drink water, cry, laugh, anything) is being watched? 

Edited by iaawal

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I do want to email pdoc but it all turns into gibberish in my head and can't come out. Hate when that happens. 

Also, I'm trying to get the courage to look in my closet. I don't want to. There's someone in there and I don't want to see them. I don't want to face the person that is here with me. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

do you normally live alone or do you have a partner/roommate/etc?

 

do you have a dog? my dog used to reality check for me all of the time. they're the fucking best!

oh, and i hate when i start to become incoherent in writing. you do still make sense though. just so you're aware. i understand what your'e saying. it makes sense. it's not clanging or starting to become word jumble at all. if it helps: know that you are understood. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

maybe sleep will help and you could email first thing in the morning? it almost always helps me. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@mellifluous I have a cat. He hasn't been hanging out in the closet recently. My closet has this weird walk-in space. It's 3 feet deep and a little over 5ft tall because there are still shelves which are not accessible. Might be a sign. 

Okay good to know. Gibberish is usually in my thoughts. I still have assistance with writing. Sometimes they don't like to assist (PR mind, others). We're about to have a meeting. It has to be spoken because otherwise it's gibberish if we try to talk in our head. But I will be taking notes so hopefully I have something to send in an email.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

that's a good strategy. i often wish i had notes but anything you write will be useful in getting proper care. 

i have thought shattering at times. if that's what you mean. like, all sentence structure goes out the window and i can't compose a sentence in my head...the words are all fragmented and not able to connect somehow. conceptually, i'd say.

 

anyway, if that's what you mean, i've been there. sorry to hear. i've also had thought theft. that doesn't really sound like that but it can be discombobulating. disorienting even in a way.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There are some things that I'm just too afraid to say or admit so it turns into gibberish. Other times I just can't make sense of anything or even concentrate enough to think something so it all turns gibberish. The reason we have to speak (well silently mouth) our meetings is because they all try to talk over each other and that doesn't lead to a productive meeting. We even have fights like that. Bonus, that's since I don't speak it out loud it doesn't get recorded although they can read lips so. Eh. 

I gave up and realized no matter what I do it's going to be looked at. It's why I haven't kept diaries because the papers had sensors, there were cameras directly placed above me and the pen registered the movements so anything I wrote was reported. Then I'd get nervous and burn it. I've forgotten so many things because I've refused to write them. So I realized, my phone is already tracked. Somebody is looking at what I do no matter what. The government totally spies on us. So I figured that I should just say fuck it and keep a written record. I use the memo app on my phone. Whoever wants to look at it can. Let it be distributed. Fuck them all. It's hurting me otherwise because there are so many things that I can't remember. Events in my life that are gone because I didn't write them down. 

Thought theft must be scary. No one has ever stolen my thoughts but people were stealing chunks of my brain and that made me a very confused zombie. It's weird.

Edited by iaawal
1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

hey iiawal, sorry you're going through all of this. I had delusions where I was being spied on all of the time. I thought there were cameras in my light bulbs, that every sentence I wrote on the computer was being recorded and reported to my parents. after being put on antipsychotics, these delusions stopped. I would hate for them to ever come back because it is extremely anxiety inducing. hope you can find some relief soon. I can't imagine going through years of that. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
18 hours ago, strange eyes said:

hey iiawal, sorry you're going through all of this. I had delusions where I was being spied on all of the time. I thought there were cameras in my light bulbs, that every sentence I wrote on the computer was being recorded and reported to my parents. after being put on antipsychotics, these delusions stopped. I would hate for them to ever come back because it is extremely anxiety inducing. hope you can find some relief soon. I can't imagine going through years of that. 

Thanks strange eyes. I'm glad they stopped when you went on antipsychotics! That's awesome! 

I hope I do too. Some have gone away on meds and they haven't come back but others that involve humans spying on me haven't gone away even on meds (hence why pdoc thinks it's due to social anxiety and not delusions). I no longer think objects have a mind of their own and are spying and plotting. They're no longer sentient beings, they're objects that have cameras in them but it's because the humans put them there. Not because the objects planned all of this. Although I do miss the nails on the wall in my old office. They went away and I was quite sad. We were buddies even though they were in there to spy on me because the nail in the hallway made them. Though at this point I've accepted that this is how life is. They'll spy on me until the day I die. I'm not sure how to communicate to my docs that even though I've accepted it and given up, it's still very real and distressing. I went on a tangent. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm glad to hear some of this is resolving a bit. It can't be easy for you. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks, @saintalto. Thought I seriously miss those nails. And that poor thumbtack who wanted to be their friend. LOL. 

Yeah, I joke so much about it though that it seems like it is. I feel like CB is the only place where I can both joke and express how distressing it is. Weird. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now