jacques

Things you've done while manic

48 posts in this topic

I've had many similar experiences. But my first episode of mania, as I recall, when I was probably 10 or 11. We had all played Risk that night, and before I went to bed I tried to get my mom to agree to take me to the United Nations so I can show them Risk and the futility of war. World peace was within my grasp! 

Also, the Treaty of Versailles was total bullshit. 

Edited by ovOidampUle

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9 hours ago, wadjet said:

Mine are kinda boring. I don't sleep and do things like feel the pressing urge to clean the house at 3:00 am, I don't usually do much housekeeping when I am stable. I think my overriding fear of spending money shifts my manic urges from spending to making things. I do a lot of house renovation type stuff that I don't have any idea how to do but I get obsessed with and it seems I have to do it. Also write things that seem so brilliant and insightful but they are horribly written and I get rid of later when I am sane. After long enough without sleep it goes over to a mixed episode where I have lots of energy but everything in life seems horrid, hopeless and meaningless and I'm suicidal, then if it is bad enough I have a little psychosis to top things off.

Omg you brought back memories.    I reupholstered a couch and two chairs one weekend.  I have no idea how to do that, but they turned out pretty good.  

I am famous for digging up large areas of my lawn and creating a new garden. After the digging not much more happens. 

I built a retaining wall, I laid a hard wood floor. Of course I painted walls at all times of day or night. 

Most of my ideas are obsessions. Not really sure if there is a middle ground for me.

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I planned what to report here but in the end some of my sex and spending episodes are just too embarrassing to want to share. Once though I went around to selected coworkers and told them what a great job they did and how much I liked and admired them. Two thought I was coming on to them so not good. But did the same with family and it turned out well so not all disaster. Also had to take 2nd mortgage to pay manic debt, instead of filing bankruptcy. You'd think pdoc might diagnose me correctly after hearing that. Mainly I try to forget the manic disasters because of shame and embarrassment. 

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14 hours ago, Lorelion said:

I identify with this one so much, aura.  I can't even tell you how many times I've gone off at cops and other authorities because I don't like injustice and they were abusing their power.  How I haven't been arrested is a mystery to me.

No arrests here either, thankfully! This is actually only one of my "I was manic at the airport/border" stories. Another classic is the time I showed up to my middle of the night flight - again in a foreign country with a heavy military presence - wasted and belligerent and covered in sand from having wrestled my bestie on the beach moments before. I threw my backpack on the floor and was kicking it along. They ended up actually putting me through less security because no one wanted to waste their time trying to talk to me.

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50 minutes ago, sugarsugar said:

Mainly I try to forget the manic disasters because of shame and embarrassment. 

Me too.  So. much. embarrassment.

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9 hours ago, dragonfly23 said:

I am famous for digging up large areas of my lawn and creating a new garden. After the digging not much more happens.

Ahhhhh! Gardens! Must have huge garden using some method I read about on the internet!! Good God! Am I glad it is all grass now. I didn't lay hardwood, but I did strip the carpet from everywhere and took months refinishing the floors. I actually started by hand sanding. It took me awhile to realize I needed to rent a huge sander thing. My family finally rebelled (I had made them remove all the furniture from the main rooms to the basement and didn't let them walk on the floors for months) and made me stop when I was on the final coating of finishing the floor and so parts of my entry way only got one coat and is noticeably more warn.

 

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On 1/16/2017 at 11:56 AM, aura said:

No arrests here either, thankfully! This is actually only one of my "I was manic at the airport/border" stories. Another classic is the time I showed up to my middle of the night flight - again in a foreign country with a heavy military presence - wasted and belligerent and covered in sand from having wrestled my bestie on the beach moments before. I threw my backpack on the floor and was kicking it along. They ended up actually putting me through less security because no one wanted to waste their time trying to talk to me.

Oh, the things us bipolar folk do. Lol. I'm glad you haven't been arrested as well!

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Oh man, I usually feel pretty embarassed too when I think back of all the stuff I've done.... And I tend to forget a lot as well, so not going to dig too deep for now.

What I do remember:

- quitting school without informing anyone
- quitting jobs without informing anyone|
- hyperfocus on certain subjects that basically leads to too much money-spending, rigorous redecorations, baking/cooking insane amounts of food or going to the same band gigs over and over again
- getting spontaneous tattoos

And overall I can be pretty annoying and irritated during those phases, so I probably made life hell for quite some people as well...

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Aside from the things I have done myself which I already mentioned here... my mom who was also bipolar did some crazy things too. She had a dream that my grandma and my then-step-dad died of heart attacks. But she thought it was real. And told me she burned all of clothes and furniture and was going to buy all new stuff. She made me go get a shampoo (wtf?) and then came back to get me in all brand new clothing. She test drove a car and wanted to pay for it while still sitting in the car, with her credit card. She made faery doll furniture complete with moss and twigs. She made Native American rattles out of light bulbs and paper mache. I miss her so much.

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I spent the middle of the night making perfect song mixes, then dancing to them till the sun came up.

going to the supermarket in the middle of the night and getting stuff to give myself a make over.

cook too much food when there are tons of left overs.

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Filled my huge walk in closet with balloons so that I could turn on music and have dance parties in there.

Spent our entire savings on yarn.

Dyed my hair three different colors in one night. 

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very long 

binged drink and drugs-bottle of vodka a day for months and 10 ecstacy pills once.. 

mugged a drug dealer; he come to my house and held a baseball bat to my face, I laughed-fearless..

lost my license after 4 months-speeding, reckless driving-70mph in a 20 zone, 9 points and a driving asbo..

drove 4 hours away to spend the night with a guy I'd not spoken to or seen for 3 years (last time I seen him was the first time we met and we had sex in a half built house that he was down from Birmingham working on when I was 14)

bleached my hair 4 times in a day to then dye it back dark a couple days later..

getting tattoos and Piercings on an impulse..

locked myself in my bedroom and excersized 24/7 for 3 months solid..

lost 3 jobs..

cleaning and rearranging day and night..

digging up my whole garden and building a wall every night for 2 weeks until gone 12am. 2 weeks after having a c section.. moved out of that house half way through doing the garden so left it..

sleeping with 20+ different men in the space of 6 months; 3 in one night at one point 🙈

fighting and picking arguments..

extreme paranoia..

hear people's thoughts about me..

sexual thoughts about everything..

vindictive- phoned the police, social services, rspca ect on my friendstatus if we've argued (which I pick most of them time)

heard pigs in bushes thinking they're gonna kill me..

felt people behind me putting bugs in my hair..

spent thousands on nothing in less than a day 4 times..

have cut my whole family out as I think they hate me..

had sex in random places- field fUllapool of people, portaloo, parents and sisters bed, friends house for months secretly which I got a thrill from, in school just meters away from the whole school waiting for their busses home..

few months worth of hobbies- gardening, drawing, excersizing, sewing,spiritual things, hairdressing, beauty and acrylic nails and so on..

took loads of laxatives for a few weeks while not eating to lose weight..

watch whole TV series' in one go and then not watch telly for months..

binned everything in my cupboards and drawers on multiple occasions..

everyone's best friend..

drove and drove on random roads/lanes for hours resulting in getting lost..

midnight baking..

think I'm psychic/getting messages from above..

slept with my sisters boyfriend..

had a one night stand while pregnant and still with babies dad..

I am not proud of any of my actions.. apart from the garden business I'm well proud of that even though it was a half job 😂

 

 

Edited by shweaty

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Heh... 

Gardens.

It's a shame I destroy everything beautiful that I create.

582017_4255328779628_1499693055_n.jpg

Edited by Toas
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4 hours ago, Toas said:

Heh... 

Gardens.

It's a shame I destroy everything beautiful that I create.

582017_4255328779628_1499693055_n.jpg

Wow!  That is really nice!  Great job!  Why do you destroy it afterwards?

Just an idea, but instead of using energy destroying it when it is done, maybe use that energy to build another one?

Edited by melissaw72

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8 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

Wow!  That is really nice!  Great job!  Why do you destroy it afterwards?

Just an idea, but instead of using energy destroying it when it is done, maybe use that energy to build another one?

Thank's Melissaw, I am still very proud of that garden. That's only part of it too, there was another vegetable garden on the other side of the house, a flower garden, and cannabis garden. Started only with dirt and fences. Had plans and designs, including cost estimates and labor, for a gazebo with an attached herb garden and outdoor kitchen, chicken coop, yoga dojo, two acre organic farm, bamboo garden, orchard, terraces... 

I didn't physically destroy the whole garden. Only some, and I "needed" to.  I did destroy the relationship that made it possible.

I wrote this during that time. Busses and motels, state after state. I feel it is relevant.

"It has been many miles since the green hills of Sparta 

shadows of valleys lie in our wake

visions of cities as they fall upon us

haunted by the souls of the lives we will take"

582507_3914112889444_1856883818_n.jpg

Edited by Toas

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@Toas  That is a beautiful picture of that flower.

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I've only done a few things on separate occasions

1. Almost smashed somebody's remote control car with a hammer because it was noisy and they were playing with it right in front of my house; I would have actually done it, but my younger brother and mom stopped me.

2. Told off a coworker and challenged him to hit me (he said he was gonna punch me in the head and I was sure he wouldn't); luckily nothing really happened besides losing a little overtime because they sent me and him home; he didn't last long after that anyways.

3. In a mixture of being very unstable (idk what the right term would be), very tired and just very mad because of Seroquel XR withdrawal: I would get maybe 2 hours of sleep per night if I was lucky.

 I was working many 12-15 hour days, and I hated how my supervisor at the time treated me; yelling at me over nothing and having me clean up some bad messes, despite the company having a sanitation crew.

Both my rage and tiredness were at an all time high and I felt so close to completely losing it i just walked home (a 15 minutes walk in cold weather and when I was back home I felt close to passing out from exhaustion).

I got chewed out pretty badly and written up the next day, but no lasting consequences  (i just said it was a medication related issue and they really didn't press the matter); they just said I can't leave without telling somebody because of liability if a fire happened and somebody ran in to look for me.

And there was one time I got mad at a line leader (responsible for a small area at work, but doesn't really have power to punish or fire anybody) and called him an @hole for singling me out and saying I couldn't play my music; apparently people said I was being abnoxious about music (i really wasn't though, just people would rather complain about me rather than play their own music through a speaker); I almost said if they kept singling me out I would quit and almost stayed home the next day because I didn't want to talk to anybody about it.

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The worst thing I have ever done and wish I could take back was to proposition my best buddy at work. Things have never been the same.

The best thing I ever did was apply to and get accepted to a PhD program at an Ivy League school. By the time I had moved across the country to go to school I couldn't remember what I had been doing in the first place.

My most recent was a "happy birthday to me" shopping spree where I bought thousands of dollars worth of stereo equipment and records.

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Well, I wrote this when I was manic as hell and had just days before finally been diagnosed in one of those head-slapping V-8 moments. I basically opened my mouth and recited it from scratch, at tempo and lather, rinse repeat until I felt I knew it well enough to slow down and write it.

 

Headcase Manifesto

Let us consider that maybe 
It's okay for me just to be crazy 
And give up this quest for balance 
I'm always working at compliance 
Always struggling for acceptance 
As we seek new explanations 
For my contrary inclinations 
--It was the drugs, or the abuse 
Or the violence of my youth 
Or the injury to my head 
Or the DNA life dealt me
'Cause we're powerfully compelled 
To try to make it all make sense 
Because the suffering is intense 
And understanding brings relief 
At least, that is our fond belief 

So I'm grateful for your guidance 
And this clear new diagnosis 
Yes, I have all indications 
So it's not that I dispute it 
Or doubt this fresh assessment 
But as always, the prescription 
--Not just pills, but new behaviors 
New skills for me to master-- 
In my quest for better living 
And some stabilization. 
What is sneaking through unnoticed 
Is the inherent judgment, 
Which we never even question, 
--That I must be adjusted-- 
And even I do not refute this 
--That I must be adjusted-- 
Because I leave us all exhausted 

I'm always the crazy lover 
Or the brilliant, troubled mother 
Or the reckless genius daughter 
'Cause I loved you like no other 
Or inspired your awe and wonder 
As I helped you fight your monsters 
Even as my own consumed us 
Yet I thrilled you with such power 
That you feared me ever after 
But you wanted to stay near me 
And begged me just to temper 
The very fire that drew you in here 

I am sorry for the burning 
The destroys as much as warms 
And I apologize for harms 
You surely know I've worked at changing 
To protect you from the strangeness 
And the automatic chaos 
That spews forth amid the magic 
And the tragic hope remains 
That I might somehow moderate me 
To the point that you could keep me 
In my entirety 
Joyous, whole and free 

And today, that is my mission 
So I pray that I'm forgiven 
And if you must keep your distance 
And simply love me from afar 
Or only sidle up for visits 
As I go about my business 
I will be grateful that you've come 
Maybe wear protective gear 
Because I'm as you find me here 
I will not defy your labels 
If you believe them helpful 
But don't presume they have some meaning 
They're just street signs on the journey 
And I'm not searching for a Normal 
That demands my spirit breaking 
Or that chemically adjusts me 
Or requires any faking 
And if that makes me crazy 
Then I don't mind that's what I'm making 
I'm just walking my own path 
Because all the rest are taken 

 

 

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@Aeiou62

Welcome to CB!

Great writing!

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Thank you so much. And sorry about that. I normally don't draw down on people and open fire like that, but, a) it kinda partly addresses the question, b) its relevant to the purpose of the forum; and c) I am there, right now, this very moment, unmedicated at about 50 hours sleepless, not real bad, but I'm getting too old for this shit, like:

I've won, and thus commited to paying for, close to 300 ebay auctions in the last 48 hours. My bank account is already overdrawn, to say nothing of all the packaging and wrapping crap that is everywhere in this little house because I buy rocks and beads and gems and mineral specimens, little, fragile things that have to be kept just so. I had a little shop for a little while, but that was only after I was disabled by illness and madness. I have now nothing, no shop, no money, nothing, but---does anyone else get this? I think some alluded to it---I need to have these supplies ON HAND, ready, when this turbulence manifests finally as my next Big Idea! So yeah...but over 300 items, and still under $500. Not bad, huh? Wayta keep a lid on things, champ.

 

-Last time I became convinced that I had hit on THE THING that was going to be the next big fashion jewelry trend, and I know, I know, I have big ideas. But THIS WAS THE ONE, so I went and bought, after I did the math, about two and a half linear miles of every conceivable cord, ribbon, oh, upholstery trim, curtain tie-backs, baling twine, whatever, because it wasn't pendants or gems or beads, it was ALL ABOUT THE CORD, and that bitch was gonna revolutionize fashion, which I normally give two shits about, but this was it, I HAD IT!! BUT I knew it would be fleeting, I'm not crazy, ya know, do I began researching suitable investment instruments for middle-aged women who make a butt load of fast money accessorizing teenagers with sofa trim. And those bags of trim, cord, notions, etc are everywhere still, along with the rocks and beads, which will be very important to have ready when the faeries next make contact with more instructions, because I am the, or AN, adjutrix to the Faen Empire of the Amercan Northwest. But I can't talk about that in this context, because that shit is real, as in recurrent, consistent, predictable and reliable, and sacred, and I believe it as I am writing this, that...no, not gonna, because it is real. They are. Really.

I am so grateful, grateful, grateful, that somehow I never did the sex madness, because (well, nothing that seemed wildly inappropriate, except picking up a guy using only facial gestures, from the passenger seat of the car my weekend date was driving, and the guy was just keeping pace in his vehicle. I got my fella to pull over at a rest area and me and new dude acted like we knew each other, exchanged numbers and hooked up later. Now that was some seriously lower-than-whale-shit doing a dude wrong. Sorry. Really. It wasn't him.)

Anyway, thanks for the welcome and the topic...

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10 minutes ago, Aeiou62 said:

And sorry about that.

What are you sorry about?

10 minutes ago, Aeiou62 said:

but I'm getting too old for this shit,

I hear you!

BTDT about similar kinds of things you thought and did.  Looking back I can't believe things I thought and acted on. 

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YESS! Especially because we should know bettet BEFORE by now, right? I've been through this rodeo so many times, it's hard for it to sneak up on me anymore. I know whats going on. I know where it can lead. And i DO have effective tools for managing it. But I have these alternative facts...because I am so familiar, I take the inexplicable position that no, I'm not cycling, because if i was, i'd know it, so i would acknowledge, admit it, whatever. But thats not it. I'm just misbehaving. I know better, but I have no self control, no will (wont) power, which is a character defect, not a medical condition, and I'm just being stupid and childish, and stop it this instant. To which I usually respond, "Mmmnnnyeahhh...No.I don't think so."

So I'm seriously thinking about taking a xanax and surrendering to sleep, but I'm so broke, and I have to fix this now, so...also considering driving down to the Petro on the interstate and panhandling. Crude. And cold. But I'm outta cards...

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