OliverB

It's time to tell my pdoc and I am scared about it

72 posts in this topic

I have posted many times here (since I signed up), but didn't decide to take the step to tell my doctor until now (mainly because I have been psychotic for so many time and because alter 2 didn't want to)

Finally I am telling my pdoc. I wrote him a 3 page letter (is it too much? I am worried I am being over demanding?).

In the letter I explain this but with more details and examples and how it began and how it has been since I am 13:

1. Function in diarly tasks, social, emotional, more anxious, more obsessive, more communication with fragments that holds memories, ...
2. Focused on studying, more serious, less interested in social activities, less or none communication with fragments that holds memories...
The two communicate, there is not memory loss between them, but there is memory loss when I am 2. and I have to remember what 1. talked about with the fragments. 2. doesn't remember what fragments did inside the head.

And mainly three fragments:

1. Fight and hold some memories of physical abuse, paranoid and aggressive (Draco, a child, 7-9 years old).
2. Flight and shy, hold memories of abuse (physical and emotional). (Ashley, Draco's twin)
3. She doesn't have a name and completely freeze up, hold memories of sexual abuse, often secreams and doesn't talk too much.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It makes me ashamed, I feel like I am faking, but I am not.

I am worried he won't believe it, or think I am faking or being delusional. Moreover, last time I saw him (Friday 20) I told him I was dissociating more and he asked me about derealization/depersonalizaton... 

I told him it was complex dissociating but couldn't explain it. I gave him a letter at the end of the session were I explained some about this complex dissociation, but it didn't have details about alter egos and fragments (he asked me if he could read the letter, I had written it for myself to have something to tell him, but I wrote it while was the alter 1 and during the session I was alter 2 so I was confused and couldn't explain myself). 

He seemed confused but wanted to understand (I guess that's why he asked me if he could keep the letter) what I mean because I told him it was different from the entities and voices (psychosis), I told him It was something "internal". 

Maybe he doesn't know about complex disssociation? I am afraid he doesn't know about it and thinks I am delusional or have a personality disorder, but once he told me I dissociate a lot and doesn't have a personality disorder.

I am giving him the 3 page long with all details on Monday and I see him on Friday.

If you have any advice, idea... help... I am really afraid, and confused... I moved from psychosis... got better... then post psychosis depression... got better... and now dissociation appears again. I never get well.
 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, OliverB said:

I wrote him a 3 page letter (is it too much? I am worried I am being over demanding?).

No, it isn't too much.  IMO I don't think you are being over-demanding.  Remember you pay him ... so I would do (and I do this personally) whatever it take to get a point across or get something resolved, no matter what it takes.  I've written him long letters as well, lots of times, and he does read them and thanks me for writing what I did because it helps him get a better idea/POV/understanding of (ie the situation or whatever). 

 

2 hours ago, OliverB said:

I am worried he won't believe it, or think I am faking or being delusional.

He better believe you!  And I would really hope he does not think you are faking.  Has given any indication in the past that might lead you to question whether he thinks you are faking?

 

2 hours ago, OliverB said:


He seemed confused but wanted to understand (I guess that's why he asked me if he could keep the letter) what I mean because I told him it was different from the entities and voices (psychosis), I told him It was something "internal". 

I really think pdoc wanted to understand things better when he asked if he could read your letter.  But if you weren't comfortable giving it to him, I'm glad you didn't ... I've learned this along the road ... giving something to someone, or not giving something to someone ... I go with my gut feeling.  If I don't I usually end up regretting what I did.  And I hate when I feel like they are putting me under pressure to do anything.  And I regret doing a few things that went against my gut instinct.

I guess I can only speak from experience with this though.  And I always bring one copy for me, one copy for pdoc to keep.

 

3 hours ago, OliverB said:

I am giving him the 3 page long with all details on Monday and I see him on Friday.

Idk how your pdoc is about reading things people wrote to him one day, then the appt a few days later. 

But IME it doesn't happen if I give a letter to any of the pdocs I've ever had, including my current one ... they do not read what I wrote between the time I give the letter and the next appt.  I find that they read it only when I am in their offices.  And then ask questions.  I am not saying this will happen to you because all pdocs are different.  But I have never found a pdoc who reads what I wrote before he sees me; it is always during my appt time with me there.

I hope this helped.

 

 

 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I totally get why you feel hesitant.  I think it's especially tricky with dissociation, because there genuinely are a lot of pdocs out there who don't really understand it, and even some who don't "believe in it" (which...ugh).

It sounds really positive that he told you that he wanted to know/understand more about your dissociation.  That suggests that he might be willing to learn about it/hear your experience.

For me it's been really different with different pdocs I've worked with.  Two I told right away, because they were both really experienced working with trauma, and when I tentatively brought it up (to test the waters) they responded in ways that made me feel really comfortable (basically telling me that they did know about that aspect of dissociation and that they felt it was really important to understand that aspect of my experience).  One I never even tried to explore it with, because I just got the sense I wouldn't be believed.  She knew about some of the lesser aspects of my dissociation (like the general spaciness) and at one time said she thought I was making that up.  So I just knew I wouldn't be believed.

More recently, I saw a new pdoc and I kind of tentatively brought up that I have dissociative symptoms and the way she responded wasn't very reassuring or very curious.  I started to bring it up multiple times and it was the same - kind of "tell me if you want and it's not my job to believe or disbelieve you".  So I never told her and actually probably won't see her again.  It made me feel pretty unsafe.

So, just to say I've definitely experienced this too.  I think your pdoc sounds somewhere in between.  It's unfortunate that he isn't as confident in his knowledge about dissociation, but the fact that he's being curious and open and wanting to understand is, I think, a really good sign.

Also, I think basically everyone thinks they're faking it at one time or another.  I still think that about myself sometimes, especially because my parts are more active/prominent at some times, and very quiet/hiding/difficult for even me to find at other times, which is when I start to doubt myself.

And I don't think three pages is all that long - it just might take him a while to read, if he does it in front of you.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

OliverB I have a psychotic disorder and also have dissociation issues: depersonalization disorder and DDNOS with fragments. I don't even mention the dissociation to pdoc because in my experience I have been dismissed and it upsets me. I think you are brave to explain everything. I have discussed it with tdoc and she is understanding.

I recently saw a tdoc I had seen in the past. I tried to explain the fragments to him. They came out around him before, but he apparently didn't recognize it? I had a lot of trouble explaining. I felt like I was making it up, but I know what i experienced.

I don't know your pdoc. I had one that liked me to write things down. It sounds like you have one like that. I think he will appreciate your letter.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's so weird when it happens and they don't recognize it!  I had a therapist who was SUPER skilled at recognizing all my parts when they would come (including the sneaky ones that don't talk to anybody) but unfortunately she moved and it's been hit or miss with everybody else.  Even my current therapist, who is REALLY skilled, often misses them (though sometimes I think she wonders but doesn't comment because she doesn't want to scare them off).

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, tryp said:

It's so weird when it happens and they don't recognize it!  I had a therapist who was SUPER skilled at recognizing all my parts when they would come (including the sneaky ones that don't talk to anybody) but unfortunately she moved and it's been hit or miss with everybody else.  Even my current therapist, who is REALLY skilled, often misses them (though sometimes I think she wonders but doesn't comment because she doesn't want to scare them off).

Thanks Tryp. I feel like if i don't have an external witness maybe it is just a "delusion". I am a bit perplexed how he can say he didn't notice. I don't have dramatic changes, just that he is pretty observant.

It sounds like you have had some great therapists.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

No, it isn't too much.  IMO I don't think you are being over-demanding.  Remember you pay him ... so I would do (and I do this personally) whatever it take to get a point across or get something resolved, no matter what it takes.  I've written him long letters as well, lots of times, and he does read them and thanks me for writing what I did because it helps him get a better idea/POV/understanding of (ie the situation or whatever). 

He better believe you!  And I would really hope he does not think you are faking.  Has given any indication in the past that might lead you to question whether he thinks you are faking?

I really think pdoc wanted to understand things better when he asked if he could read your letter.  But if you weren't comfortable giving it to him, I'm glad you didn't ... I've learned this along the road ... giving something to someone, or not giving something to someone ... I go with my gut feeling.  If I don't I usually end up regretting what I did.  And I hate when I feel like they are putting me under pressure to do anything.  And I regret doing a few things that went against my gut instinct.

I guess I can only speak from experience with this though.  And I always bring one copy for me, one copy for pdoc to keep.

Idk how your pdoc is about reading things people wrote to him one day, then the appt a few days later. 

But IME it doesn't happen if I give a letter to any of the pdocs I've ever had, including my current one ... they do not read what I wrote between the time I give the letter and the next appt.  I find that they read it only when I am in their offices.  And then ask questions.  I am not saying this will happen to you because all pdocs are different.  But I have never found a pdoc who reads what I wrote before he sees me; it is always during my appt time with me there.

I hope this helped.

Thank you melissa. My pdoc has never shown any sign of not believing me... He has never told me I am faking, even once  he told me "I doubt any psychiatrist will think you are lying if you say you hear voices", he was wrong, some psychiatrist don't believe patients when they say they hear voices if they don't look psychotic, but it made me think he is that kind of psychiatrist who believes you. He also told me last session (I had forgotten about it until you asked) he assumes he is always told the true by his patients. 

He didn't force me to give it to him, he asked me if it was OK to keep it for reading it later, he usually reads what I give him during session during the same session or after it. When I give him something before the session he usually reads it at the same moment or at least before the day I see him. I guess it's because he works at a day hospital and he has a lots of time for "emergency issues", he doesn't have patients during all the day like others psychiatrists.

2 hours ago, tryp said:

I totally get why you feel hesitant.  I think it's especially tricky with dissociation, because there genuinely are a lot of pdocs out there who don't really understand it, and even some who don't "believe in it" (which...ugh).

It sounds really positive that he told you that he wanted to know/understand more about your dissociation.  That suggests that he might be willing to learn about it/hear your experience.

For me it's been really different with different pdocs I've worked with.  Two I told right away, because they were both really experienced working with trauma, and when I tentatively brought it up (to test the waters) they responded in ways that made me feel really comfortable (basically telling me that they did know about that aspect of dissociation and that they felt it was really important to understand that aspect of my experience).  One I never even tried to explore it with, because I just got the sense I wouldn't be believed.  She knew about some of the lesser aspects of my dissociation (like the general spaciness) and at one time said she thought I was making that up.  So I just knew I wouldn't be believed.

More recently, I saw a new pdoc and I kind of tentatively brought up that I have dissociative symptoms and the way she responded wasn't very reassuring or very curious.  I started to bring it up multiple times and it was the same - kind of "tell me if you want and it's not my job to believe or disbelieve you".  So I never told her and actually probably won't see her again.  It made me feel pretty unsafe.

So, just to say I've definitely experienced this too.  I think your pdoc sounds somewhere in between.  It's unfortunate that he isn't as confident in his knowledge about dissociation, but the fact that he's being curious and open and wanting to understand is, I think, a really good sign.

Also, I think basically everyone thinks they're faki ntng it at one time or another.  I still think that about myself sometimes, especially because my parts are more active/prominent at some times, and very quiet/hiding/difficult for even me to find at other times, which is when I start to doubt myself.

And I don't think three pages is all that long - it just might take him a while to read, if he does it in front of you.

Thank you Tryp.

The psychiatris I had before once asked the nurse and the psych student to wait outside (they were there during the sessions), and asked me if now we were alone, or weren't we. He also said he didn't understand what I was experiencing because I gave few details but he said we could invite those things I talk about to a session.

I guess he saw some... because sometimes I was childish, at other times I was more formal, .... He recognized the changes...

My actual psychiatrist... I guess he knows about dissociation... I have been thinking, he asked me first about depersonalization and derealization, and when I told him it was something more complex and I said some about "other beings" he asked me how they were different from voices and entities (psychosis), and then he said "oh, so what you are talking about it's more internal".

I was staring at the letter I had trying to explain myself, I guess that's why he asked me to keep it to read it latter.

2 hours ago, confused said:

OliverB I have a psychotic disorder and also have dissociation issues: depersonalization disorder and DDNOS with fragments. I don't even mention the dissociation to pdoc because in my experience I have been dismissed and it upsets me. I think you are brave to explain everything. I have discussed it with tdoc and she is understanding.

I recently saw a tdoc I had seen in the past. I tried to explain the fragments to him. They came out around him before, but he apparently didn't recognize it? I had a lot of trouble explaining. I felt like I was making it up, but I know what i experienced.

I don't know your pdoc. I had one that liked me to write things down. It sounds like you have one like that. I think he will appreciate your letter.

Thank you Confused. I am sorry you have been dismissed... I am afraid it happens to me, but I guess if I don't try I won't know. And since my pdoc is also my tdoc I have to tell him... (he is more a tdoc than a pdoc, he prefers to talk than medicate).

He has told me I dissociate a lot, once I talked to him about the alter without telling him he is an alter and only saying few details like he lives in my head and it's part of the brain that thinks and has his own opinions and feelings, and he recognized it as an dissociative experience. But since I have been psychotic the past year we focused on the psychosis.

2 hours ago, tryp said:

It's so weird when it happens and they don't recognize it!  I had a therapist who was SUPER skilled at recognizing all my parts when they would come (including the sneaky ones that don't talk to anybody) but unfortunately she moved and it's been hit or miss with everybody else.  Even my current therapist, who is REALLY skilled, often misses them (though sometimes I think she wonders but doesn't comment because she doesn't want to scare them off).

I have had a therapist who recognized it, as I said. But the one I have now has made some comments about "changes" but I don't know if he realized it was do to dissociation or another reason, because as I said, I have been psychotic and really unstable the last year, that's the time I have been with this pdoc.

Edited by OliverB

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

it sounds like he will be open to your letter.  Is your next appt soon?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, confused said:

it sounds like he will be open to your letter.  Is your next appt soon?

This Friday 27. I see him every week, and if I am trying a new med or to unstable twice. But the appointments sometimes are short, specially if he has a sudden emergency.

It's the public health system so I don't pay him directly... 

Anyway, he said If I have a problem before Friday I can see him. He would be there on Tuesday and Wedsnesday.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, OliverB said:

This Friday 27. I see him every week, and if I am trying a new med or to unstable twice. But the appointments sometimes are short, specially if he has a sudden emergency.

It's the public health system so I don't pay him directly... 

Anyway, he said If I have a problem before Friday I can see him. He would be there on Tuesday and Wedsnesday.

 

good. You don't have to wait too long

Edited by confused

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I talked to the psychologist at the day hospital (not my psychiatrist/psychotherapist), told her the main things and how worried I was to not be believed, or that the psychiatrist/psychotherapist thinks I am being delusional, etc.

She said she believes my experience, and she said she thinks my doctor will believe me too, also, when I asked her if it was a dissociative phenomena she said it was. She told me (my) doctor always believe what his patients experience, the only thing that might be different it's the explanation of it (For example, I might believe I have a Dissociative disorder while it's C-PTSD). But she said clearly it's a complex dissociative phenomena and not psychotic, which means it's a dissociative disorder, C-PTSD or similar (It cannot be BPD because I was told by psychiatrist I don't have a PD)

Now I am feeling guilty because I feel like I have made up everything and therefore lied to her :(

Edited by OliverB

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That took courage, I know you were scared. I am glad it went well.

i tried explaining some of my experiences to my tdoc and I got tongue tied. I couldn't explain it. It sounds like you did a good job describing your experience.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I went to the day hospital....

I have been studying, forcing myself to study even if my mind was tired and burned by all the dissociation appearing, by all the effort I made remembering (reading things from 2011 until now) to make the letter with all details about whatever I wrote I don't remember.

I made the examn on Thursday and totally burned out, I took 1200mg of gabapentin and 10mg diazepam and slept 12h, I took them at 7:00pm.

I was at the day hospital in the patients room waiting for my appointment, talking with other patients meanwhile. 

Someone said something about mixing up benzos with alcohol because it must be awesome, and I told him he could die by doing that and why (stop breathing because both act on the same/similar receptors) and the nurse came and called me out because of "giving information about meds, there is some information that you have that others don't need to know". 
I was WTF!? if the medical sheet says the same! I didn't say anything they couldn't know by googling benzodiacepine or by reading the medical sheet there it is inside the med box. 
She told me off twice ! and even told me she will forbid me to talk about meds if I continue like that. The others patients were like WTF!? too...

I was already distressed, that was... horrible... I felt like sh** ... 
I had my appointment just after that and told the psychiatrist what the nurse did, we didn't talk about anything else, I was and still am heavily distressed and cried a bit (more like tearing up). I planed to stay at day hospital until 15:00 but left after the appointment. My psychotherapist was upset, and gave me two appointments for next week, one for Tuesday and the other one on Friday. He read the letters before the appointment, both I made and said he wanted to talk about it, but It wasn't possible.

I wanted to meet some people at 17:00 but I am so upset I won't and told them I cant :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, OliverB said:

Someone said something about mixing up benzos with alcohol because it must be awesome, and I told him he could die by doing that and why (stop breathing because both act on the same/similar receptors) and the nurse came and called me out because of "giving information about meds, there is some information that you have that others don't need to know". 
I was WTF!? if the medical sheet says the same! I didn't say anything they couldn't know by googling benzodiacepine or by reading the medical sheet there it is inside the med box. 
She told me off twice ! and even told me she will forbid me to talk about meds if I continue like that. The others patients were like WTF!? too...

What in the hell?  I am really sorry this happened!

I wish someone in the group would have stood up for you and helped you out. 

I don't even have words to describe how I would have felt or said if I was told this.  I think my mind would initially be shocked with no words to say.

(in bold) ... did you tell her this?

Why did she get on your back again a second time about it?

I'm glad that you were able to talk to pdoc about it, and that you have 2 appts for next week.

That nurse sounds like a bitch. 

 

14 minutes ago, OliverB said:

He read the letters before the appointment, both I made and said he wanted to talk about it,

Wow ... that is terrific pdoc read them ahead of time!  I've never come across a pdoc who has done that!

 

I am just really sorry this happened to you.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
17 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

What in the hell?  I am really sorry this happened!

I wish someone in the group would have stood up for you and helped you out. 

I don't even have words to describe how I would have felt or said if I was told this.  I think my mind would initially be shocked with no words to say.

(in bold) ... did you tell her this?

Why did she get on your back again a second time about it?

I'm glad that you were able to talk to pdoc about it, and that you have 2 appts for next week.

That nurse sounds like a bitch. 

 

Wow ... that is terrific pdoc read them ahead of time!  I've never come across a pdoc who has done that!

 

I am just really sorry this happened to you.

Thank you.

The nurse acts like that, but just sometimes... I guess she didn't have bad intentions... but it was't profesional to do that, she made a mistake... she makes this kind of mistake... (just sometimes)... most of time she is nice.

(in bold) I couldn't, she just came, called me off and went away... twice.

I don't mind that much about my pdoc reading the letter before when it was supposed to be read, but It was a bit uncomfortable. I guess he just wanted to know what it was on it to be able to talk about it directly, without losing the session time reading it.

 

I called the day hospital and asked if my pdoc could call me at the end of the day (around 15:30)... the nurse said my pdoc was really busy today and unless it was an emergency he probably won't call me. I told her then I wanted to cancel both appointments for next week.

 

I don't want to know anything about them. They are not bad but cause me too much distress.

Edited by OliverB

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My doctor didn't call me.

So what now? I have been sleeping since then and feel really bad :(

I don't know if I have my appointments or not because I told her I wanted to cancel them but I wanted to talk to my doctor to see if there was another option and I could go anyway.

I am getting suicidal urges from a fragment, but I don't want to kill myself

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it would be okay for you to call then. Especially, since you are so distressed and have suicidal urges

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, OliverB said:

but it was't profesional to do that, she made a mistake... she makes this kind of mistake... (just sometimes)... most of time she is nice.

Still though, I don't think she should have treated you that way. Even if it was a mistake, she could have handled it a lot better.  You're right, that was very unprofessional.

27 minutes ago, OliverB said:

My doctor didn't call me.

So what now? I have been sleeping since then and feel really bad :(

I don't know if I have my appointments or not because I told her I wanted to cancel them but I wanted to talk to my doctor to see if there was another option and I could go anyway.

I am getting suicidal urges from a fragment, but I don't want to kill myself

Personally I would call back and remind the nurse you called earlier to speak to the DR.  Then I'd ask about the appts.

When does the DR leave for the day?  Maybe give it a little more time for pdoc to call you back?  Does pdoc have a pager/text or something where you could get a hold of him if he doesn't call back before he leaves his office?  I think he'd appreciate knowing how you feel right now. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
51 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

Still though, I don't think she should have treated you that way. Even if it was a mistake, she could have handled it a lot better.  You're right, that was very unprofessional.

Personally I would call back and remind the nurse you called earlier to speak to the DR.  Then I'd ask about the appts.

When does the DR leave for the day?  Maybe give it a little more time for pdoc to call you back?  Does pdoc have a pager/text or something where you could get a hold of him if he doesn't call back before he leaves his office?  I think he'd appreciate knowing how you feel right now. 

He has already left. I cannot contact him, he doesn't have a mobile phone or email for patients emergencies.

It's supposed I have to go to ER if I have an emergency and the day hospital it's not open, but ER handle emergencies very bad unless you are heavily psychotic and I don't want to be IP again, I only have had bad experiences from IP, and there is only one psych hospital here.

 

I can't stop crying. I can't stop thinking about jumping through the window and die

 

1 hour ago, confused said:

I think it would be okay for you to call then. Especially, since you are so distressed and have suicidal urges

The day hospital it's not open anymore, it's only in the morning.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I will take more gabapentine and try to sleep.

I don't want to know anything about the day hospital. I promised one of the fragments (flight response) I won't put myself indanger again. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
15 minutes ago, OliverB said:

He has already left. I cannot contact him, he doesn't have a mobile phone or email for patients emergencies.

It's supposed I have to go to ER if I have an emergency and the day hospital it's not open, but ER handle emergencies very bad unless you are heavily psychotic and I don't want to be IP again, I only have had bad experiences from IP, and there is only one psych hospital here.

 

I can't stop crying. I can't stop thinking about jumping through the window and die

I wish I had more words to say to let you know how sorry I am about this, and t hat you do not deserve to go through it.  Am thinking of you.

 

 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

I wish I had more words to say to let you know how sorry I am about this, and t hat you do not deserve to go through it.  Am thinking of you.

Thank you.

I will keep sleeping.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/27/2017 at 11:27 PM, OliverB said:

Thank you.

I will keep sleeping.

Sorry to hear about the crappy experience with the nurse...she does sounds like a b*itch. She could've told you on a discrete level that their policy is for patients not to discuss meds with eachother or something (other than totally chewing you out twice!) That would make me upset also.

Thinking good thoughts for you too...I hope you can speak with your pdoc at least over the phone this week. Keep calm.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You doing ok? 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now

  • Similar Content

    • By Igoryok
      Anyone else experience this? It's like I have no automatic thoughts at all, nothing "driving" me - complete loss of automatic inner monologue. I feel totally flat and emotionless - except for negative emotions and fear because of this state. Has anyone recovered from this?
    • By Igoryok
      Has anyone become numb, severely depressed, "blank" minded after ECT and recovered? I wasn't depressed prior to ECT, and the "ECT specialist" thought I had a "rare form of Bipolar." After my 5th bilateral session I started to feel "off" and different, and subsequently plunged into a deep depression. A few months later my mind went "blank"/silent after experiencing strong negative thoughts and emotions, and now I feel totally flat (this was becoming gradual until the blank mind), disconnected from my self and others/family, etc.
      Has anyone experienced something similar and recovered their emotions and "self" again?
    • By grape.guice
      I'm wondering if anyone here's had an nde... I've been realising I had alot of... Afteraffects. Would be very cool to talk to someone about it if u have, or know someone who has. I
       
    • By grape.guice
      I'm wondering if anyone here's had an nde... I've been realising I had alot of... Afteraffects. Would be very cool to talk to someone about it if u have, or know someone who has. 
    • By DepleatedUranium
      I feel it is my ultimate goal to depersonalize once and for all my life was a living hell until 18 when I hade a life changing drug experience and realized I was fucked up next day I was setting up a visit to the psychiatrist I am    very introspective and realized what I hade better than ay outside source could tell me I hade bpd mixed with a family history of bipolar ouch now imagine the most emotionally sensitive and vengeful woman on steroids and lock her in your head the mind can only take so many temper tantrums before it pulls the old 1930's era divorce from its self which it did I am terrible driving a car almost maimed my family one time they had me drive on the highway big mistake also had 5 or six really close calls I zone out in the car while driving I am constantly almost rear ending people also I have what is considered the thousand yard stare if we are standing 3 ft. away I can split you into two like double vision here come the question have you hade similar experiences and what drugs help you and what drugs make your dp worse also can you think clearly while you are dissociated how much do emotions factor in on your decision makeing process