SpookyCrow

What Makes Anything Worth It?

26 posts in this topic

Day after day I build upon an overwhelmingly bitter outlook on life. I keep being told that there are things that can be thought of as positive, and yet I never see them. I guess the question is: what keeps you going?

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At the moment, my cat and my desire to be a researcher though that looks like a shit goal every day. 

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There are people who I know my death would hurt. Not many, but I don't want to hurt them. So far that's been enough. One day the pain will be too deep and my permanent relief will be worth their short term suffering. 

Also, my dog. He makes me smile every day. Sometimes I think he'd be happier with others though. 

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I would hurt my husband and parents for sure. My husband doesn't know how to take care of my turtle. I work at a nonprofit and am really good at my job, which directly helps 100 at-risk youth each year. Apple juice. Doing tarot readings while drinking 40s on the floor of my friend's art studio. My husband is really funny. I want to see him graduate in May. I have the ability to help countless more animals and people during my lifetime. 

I'll try to think of more. 

33 minutes ago, Geek said:

Sometimes I think he'd be happier with others though. 

:( I doubt that. I'm sure your dog loves you. That's depressed Geek talking. You've felt better than this before, and you will again. 

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3 hours ago, SpookyCrow said:

guess the question is: what keeps you going?

Hoping that one day I will know why I am here on earth.  God knows I pulled through some very bad times, some when I wasn't expected to live.

Also what keeps me going are the people who actually care and (help me) do things that no one else does/will.  Take the time out of their schedule to help me out.  And the very few people who are not paid to talk to me.  People who give a shit, basically. 

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I'm unsure how long I can truly sustain. I don't really feel like anyone gives a shit and with nothing to hold dear, it seems illogical to sustain off of nothing. Anyways thanks for the replies

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Spooky, are you seeing a doc about your depression? Are you on any meds? I'm on my phone, so I can't see your signature. 

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11 minutes ago, heilmania said:

Spooky, are you seeing a doc about your depression? Are you on any meds? I'm on my phone, so I can't see your signature. 

Yes I'm seeing a psychiatris - although I'm unsure as to whether or not there's much of a point to it anymore. I don't have my med list in my signature. So here it is: 30mg/day of Abilify, 900mg/day of lithium, and a prn of Klonopin up to 4mg/day

Edited by SpookyCrow

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Have you talked to your psychiatrist about feeling hopeless? That's likely something they can work with you on via a med tweak. I know how it feels to be stuck in a sandpit of depression, and I know what it feels like when I'm doing better. I'm sure you can be in better spirits with help. 

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1 minute ago, heilmania said:

Have you talked to your psychiatrist about feeling hopeless? That's likely something they can work with you on via a med tweak. I know how it feels to be stuck in a sandpit of depression, and I know what it feels like when I'm doing better. I'm sure you can be in better spirits with help. 

I've brought it up on multiple occasions. The idea of yet another med tweak seems like a pointless endeavor, as that has seemed to be the case every time I've had one.

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There are several people on the boards who've had good results from ECT. There's always another option. 

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Also, there are research studies you could participate in. www.clinicaltrials.gov  is a place to start the search. There are some interesting studies out there. Not too familiar with what's going on in Ontario but I can always help you search if you need some help. 

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1 minute ago, heilmania said:

@iaawal is the best. 

That genuinely made me smile really big. :D 

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6 hours ago, SpookyCrow said:

Yes I'm seeing a psychiatris - although I'm unsure as to whether or not there's much of a point to it anymore. I don't have my med list in my signature. So here it is: 30mg/day of Abilify, 900mg/day of lithium, and a prn of Klonopin up to 4mg/day

Just a thought ... do you think your meds in general are working?  Have you thought of trying other meds to see if they can help?  I hate the med-go-round, but it can definitely be worth it when you find the right cocktail.  If the meds that you are on aren't helping you, I can understand how med tweaks wouldn't do much. 

I think it would be a good idea to ask pdoc if you can try another med or something different than what you are on now (IMO).  You won't know what other med/s work unless you try them though. 

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Knowing that the worst stuff thats happened to me is not happening now.  That things got better so its likely that if things get bad they get better.    Sundrop soda (Sorta Kidding but I do like it)   The people who give a shit about me no matter how little I deserve it.  Which brings up spirituality.  I have a weird connection that doesn't require me to "imagine" a connection.   Long story...   Ahh.... friends.   Not having to deal with some people in my life is an odd plus.   Sometimes you have to cut the cord and when you do that its been a good thing for me.   Having a GDoc, TDoc that are good at what they do and either care or are good at appearing to care (Smile)  

Meds.  *This takes explanation.   Stuff that makes me able to function versus being depressed and having anxiety blasts.  Stuff that in general gets me to "normal"    Not stuff that gives me a buzz or I go happy fun time on...  Just "normal" or close to it.   And which I might add wasn't a quick thing to figure out.   Too many things you can mix that mix up each other so patience is important in that.

Group...   Talking to others with the same issue and being comfortable enough to talk about the rough stuff.   Support from others like kids, family, Lawyers (Don't laugh I'm serious)

NOT having to work in a CUBE with a bunch of nasty morons whose phones ring and ring and ring. 

Having a cool car even if its 12 years old and mostly sits in the garage while I wrench on it and fiddle with things under the hood in sometimes futile attempts to make it go.   When it goes?  And I've got Weezer blasting on the Speakers?   Its a day worth living.  Someday I'm going to talk TDoc into taking a ride around the block *She only get "Jeeps" not low and crazy fast Mazdas.

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13 hours ago, SpookyCrow said:

 I guess the question is: what keeps you going?

My love for my children (both adults now)..... My love for other family members that I'm close to.......My friends that help me out with doing things that I otherwise wouldn't be able to do....My love for my cat and my dog (they depend on me).........

My hope that maybe one day there will be a solution to these conditions that I have.

So, to sum it up--what keeps me going is LOVE and HOPE...!

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I am here for my child - but I survived the last 20 years by remembering that these feelings pass (sometimes it takes a year or so, but it still passes), and that death is a permanent state. If things are horrible, and it all feels pointless, I remember that I might as well live because when I'm dead I won't have any options to make things any different.

I am often in a state of self-loathing and panic - but when I'm not, I don't notice. It feels like I am always in the mud, but I'm not. In between there are beautiful moments. Those, also, are what keeps me going. 

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Knowing my family would be devastated if I were gone. That's it. I do see positives, but am rarely able to experience them as such, due to anhedonia I suppose. So I have some understanding of where you're coming from, SpookyCrow.

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2 hours ago, Lone Sheep said:

Knowing my family would be devastated if I were gone.

This is another reason for me too.

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Anger sometimes.   A "never quit" family thing that was drilled into me.   Kids, pets, a blue sky.  Getting intimate sometimes makes it worth it.   My favorite music.

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Thinking about stuff I would miss doing like going on nature hikes, going for a bike ride on a beautiful day, just after the rain and hearing nothing but a few birds chirping. A cardinal in a pine tree. skating and finding that smooth spot on the ice that makes you feel like you're gliding on air...

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10 hours ago, Lone Sheep said:

Knowing my family would be devastated if I were gone. That's it. I do see positives, but am rarely able to experience them as such, due to anhedonia I suppose. So I have some understanding of where you're coming from, SpookyCrow.

This pretty much describes me exactly, and I also think it's due largely to the symptom of anhedonia. Other than not wanting to hurt people in my family, I really have no good reason to keep going. I've lost everything. I'm just surviving, not living. The only thing that's giving me a ray of hope right now is the possibility of getting ketamine infusion therapy, which has a high success rate for treatment-resistant depression.

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My family (mostly my mom). My roomate. My cat. My mentor in welding, because he helped me out a lot, and when I asked him if I should quit, if I was just wasting his time, he said he would never teach someone and encourage someone who was wasting his time, or going to fail. That kept me going. I liked what I was doing.

I do know that in deep depression its hard to think of the times that were good. Even in mild depression, or psychosis, etc. It's damn near impossible. That's what led me to ECT. I couldn't see anything getting better. I couldn't keep going, if I kept going I would end up dead without intervention. Some part of me said I had to stop and fix myself (I was in college, up north) before that happened. I hate talking about that time in college, I don't mention it much, nobody really knows I even went there (I didn't graduate), and so on...

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On 1/31/2017 at 8:39 AM, HAL9000 said:

 

Knowing that the worst stuff thats happened to me is not happening now.

 

So much this. 

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