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Hello all

I have been speaking with my ex and my Son wants to meet me, I have not seen him for seven years and he has Autism, I was wondering if anyone can offer any advice on things I should be careful of, I am not going to plow my emotions into him but I am not sure where the line is? I am working on the basis that he will control it but the life is never that kind.

I know the Autism Spectrum is vast but any help would be gratefully received

Thank you

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Well, I'd think about sensory stuff. If he's meeting you at your home make sure it's not too intense for him. Makes sure there isn't any intense smells around like air fresheners, that you're clean and you're not wearing scented body sprays. That can be off putting to some people with sensory difficulties if they're hypersensitive to smells.

It's probably best if you keep language clear and plain. Don't use metaphors and limit the use of expressions; he might be a literal thinker and therefore might get confused by them.

Be prepared not to get too much of a reaction from him, it can be difficult for a lot of autistic people to express their feelings through facial expression, tone of voice and words, etc.  

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moving to parenting since it's about you asking for information about your interactions with your son 

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I wouldn't tell him to look at you when you are having a conversation, if you do. A lot of us think that is rude. If it effects your ability to hear him, say so, or directly tell him to speak louder or that you can't hear him, not to look at you. 

Don't stare. Don't force conversation. Probably not wise to use many gestures or non-verbal communication methods, as he might not understand them. 

Don't comment on, or draw attention to any stimming he might do. Usually it is harmless. 

Would also advise against touching, such as hugs. Same goes for affection. He might not understand the intent and think it is creepy. 

That being said, it really is individual. 

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Have you asked your ex for any specifics about how your son prefers to communicate?

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Sorry for the late reply, internet has been playing up.

Thank you for the advice and I have spoke to my ex about it but I find it vague???

This is what she said:

He's high functioning. Most of the time people just assume he's an average 8yr old. Only once you get to know him does it come across. He gets very frustrated with himself when he doesn't understand something. Mostly it affects his social skills. He doesn't understand social etiquette and his development in that area is around that of a 5yr old

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Thinking do I go down to his level other then being overbearing to him, I will like to find out what he likes and support him with it, I can only say from being BP that I view the world a different way, I am sure he feels alienated 

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I would treat him the same as anyone else you meet, except keeping in mind that he may be a little socially inept. It might help to know what his mother does when your son gets frustrated or has a melt down. That may really help, as I find the way some people handle my melt downs are better than others. That can be difficult and challenging. 

Like others here mentioned, scented perfumes, body sprays, air fresheners, may be a no no. Raising your voice or loud music or TV may be bothersome to him. I would also ask before hugs or anything like that are exchanged; I hate being touched. If in doubt, ask him. I know, for one, that I like to be asked about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking rather than people assuming. I am quite high functioning as well. 

Good luck!

Edited by Pixen

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Another thing to remember is that you need to be yourself. Nothing else is going to work for any length of time. Just be nice. Whatever his neurology, he's a kid. Kids need thoughtful adults who take them as they are.

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Thank you for the advice, It all helps.

I am not going to force anything on him, as far as I am concerned he is in charge and I will go with whatever he finds best. I am sure there will be problems but I shall have to take that one step at a time.

Thanks for your help all

Takecare:)

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It was explained to me when he stresses out,

When he is over stressed he talks really fast, dribbles and fidgets a lot. If the situation upsets him or he thinks he's upset someone else, he shakes his fists by his sides, mutters to himself and cries..... he cries quite a lot actually.

That is something I will have too learn. I also spoke about his attachment to her partner, I do not want to upset his life and I want to avoid disturbing his family life, He thinks of him has his his Daddy

My ex's partner seems to not be happy with this as far as I can tell, I do not want to upset his family life

Edited by .id
Added text

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I have a feeling I am going to have to wait for a reply, I think I have learnt all I can abd it is up to them now.

But I keep questioning myself since I do not when to pressure my ex, I know it is a difficult situation but I would like to know if my email was read.........

 

Sorry needed to vent 

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Well waited a couple of weeks and emailed her, She did not think there was no reason to reply, So I am left sitting in the dark.......

Kinda of annoyed but should remember what it was like, Starting to lose the energy to keep this up

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10 days, One thing I hate is waiting, I am going to have to find a away to stop thinking all the variables in my mind, otherwise I am going to make myself ill.

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Just been told not to overthink things and that it is not all about me from my ex, I am not sure about what I demanded and any advice to not over think things?

Edited by .id

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Not over thinking things is very hard to do for someone who over think things because you get on an endless loop of rumination and then one thing spirals into another until you have no idea where you are going or where you started and there is always one main itch that never ever gets scratched. :-}

Move your body. Stand up. Do a jumping jack. Walk around the room. Breathe in and out slowly ten times. Yell loudly. Punch a pillow.

Whatever works. 

The mind is endless. Impossible to use the mind to stop the mind. 

More importantly, this is all about your son. When you are with him. Right now you are not with him. There is no reason to think about it at all. This will only bring more pressure to the actual time when you ARE with him. Mindfulness. Something so many people over think. It has nothing to do with the mind AT ALL. That is the whole point. When your son is there in front of you, face to face, in real life, be in the moment with the kid. that is ALL you need to know. That is what your ex is talking about. This has nothing to do with you. No expectations. It is these small moments in life that can resonate forever. All your son needs is your unconditional love. Period. Full. Stop.  This is the greatest gift you can give him. Total acceptance.

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