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Thanks to school I now have panic attacks daily (as opposed to less-than-monthly, before).

Thanks to school I've destroyed my sobriety. The last time I drank like this I ended up with DTs when I quit, and I really don't want them again. I've also started using substances again, and I'd been clean for over a decade :cussing:

Everyone is saying "oh.... it's nine more weeks. You'll get through this" but I'm starting to question whether I can actually get through this unscathed. I can get through it and be addicted, but that's not really want I want. I might get through this with a brand new shiny panic disorder, but I don't really want that either.

My brain is convinced that the only obvious solution is suicide, but that's not really one of my long-term plans. I'm ambitious, and being dead sort of screws up where I want to end up.

I don't know what to do :(

I guess I'm just looking for solidarity?

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that sounds really miserable.  have you thought about a medical withdrawal for this semester?  or seeing if they'll let you take incompletes?  both would let you get to you final goal when you're in a better headspace.

I took one semester off pre=emptively when my first episode hit because I was nowhere close to functional.  It sucked, but it was the right call for me.  The second time through, I pushed through it but it was ungodly hard.  If I hadn't had a job offer waiting at the end that was realy, really enticing, I probably would have medical withdrawal-ed that one also.

Just saying you aren't the only one.  And I think trust your instincts.  Except for the suicide part.  don't trust that part  But trust the part that says that it's too much right now unless you really think you're misleading yourself.

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I'm in that boat about the job offer.

I went to school once before (a decade ago) and I ended up failing a course because I was so out of my head. 

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I dropped out of college twice because it made my bipolar so much worse.  I did manage to complete my degree, and I went on to get a Masters. I think school is inherently stressful so it can be a huge trigger.

Take care of yourself. 

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Rosie, I've been there. During my entire academic life with the exception of about 3 years of grad school, I struggled with depression. Most of the time I kept plugging along as best as I could but a couple of times I took an academic leave of absence. I really don't have any advice except that slow and steady wins the race.

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Thanks.

I'm trying really hard to reach out to people (I sent an email to the chair of the department saying that my struggles with one teacher in particular have turned toxic and that I don't know what to do), and I sent another to a former teacher of mine (who I had already known and worked with) and who was willing to help me figure out how the school could be more supportive for me.

So I'm trying to be proactive. I'm also just so sad, so scared, and so frustrated that this is happening. It doesn't help that I had to skip seeing tdoc for a week, so I feel even more alone than usual.

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That's great that you're still able to be proactive about it all and it sounds  like you're making some good steps.  It only makes sense that you would feel sad, scared, and frustrated--not that feelings have to make sense. 

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I'm so scared of getting a teacher in trouble and having it backfire on me. And this level of fear is so not sustainable by any stretch of the imagination.

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Nine weeks is a long time. You say you have a job offer, but is it 100% contingent on completing your courses by a certain date? If you have one class that is giving you particular difficulty, would you be able to take an incomplete and finish it while working - I know some people who have had this sort of thing happen, but it depends on the courses and the job. I realize this may be more stressful, and therefore not a good solution if it is even possible. Or if you do withdraw, could you postpone the job offer? 

Regardless, no degree or job is worth your health. I had to learn that the hard way. It sucks to have to give something up because of your illness, but in the long run, its better to do that than try to stick it out and do irreparable harm. But hopefully it doesn't come to that, and you're able to make it manageable. Good luck!

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I'm in an area of work that is licensed. Without completing my classes, I'm not able to register, and to get a license. 

I have a meeting with the chair tomorrow, and I found a former teacher of mine who is willing to help me navigate the school. So those are good things. I'm just terrified that my setting these things up will end up working against me, or being detrimental in some way.

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Rosie, ask yourself if you'll be able to take, and do, this promised job if you're dealing with a resurgence of your addiction. Ask what your life is going to be like if you do end up with some kind of panic disorder. Hell, ask what sort of complications you'll have to face if you just fail a class. It's better to withdraw, take an incomplete, get an extension.

Please, Rosie, be gentle with yourself. Take care of yourself now so your life can be good for years to come.

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I can definitely relate. I've been at uni for a long time now, and until about, last year, it was hell. It's still really hard but a little better.
If its doing more damage than its worth, it is definitely worth considering other options. Taking medical leave or as we call it here 'withdrawn without academic penalty' or just doing something else. I know the world tries to make us believe, especially now the only way is education but school is hard and damaging on the for lack of a better work 'stable' people, let alone us that do it with mental health issues and so many more daily struggles/pressures. If I can impart any of my managing school knowledge, feel free to ask.

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I'm so glad you've found someone to help you advocate and navigate the system that is higher education. Excellent job finding resources! I hope there are some easier solutions to toxic teacher situation. She sounds like a handful.

It sucks that school is causing so much distress that you're using older, less desirable coping strategies that don't really work in the long run. And it's also totally understandable that would happen. I'm glad you can hang on to the idea that being dead is incompatible with your other plans. Sucks that it keeps showing up as an option though.

<3

 

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I'm still here. I'm exhausted though.

I had a meeting today with the school to explore what my options are - followed by therapy less than an hour later. Between the two I'm less keyed up. It was good. I still really want to drink right now (and I might) but that's ok even if it breaks one of my rules. But I definitely need to eat first, since I haven't eaten in twelve hours. Because I stop eating when I'm stressed. (Gosh. It sounds like there are so many things wrong with me, put this way). There's nothing that I can do until Friday, which is good because both of my exams are on Thursday.

I'm not too worried about addiction... I'm pretty good about putting up with withdrawal on a regular basis to mitigate getting too dependent. It's just a chore, and one more thing to manage, and makes me feel really shitty because withdrawal.

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I don't know what to say. College made my mental health unstable. I've never thought of having Anxiety or panic attacks. It hit me suddenly that I thought I had a heart attack. I went to the doctor to see if there is something wrong with my body but it turned out that something was wrong with my brain. After a few moths I was out on the pill, Lexapro. I was in a dark place. I medically withdrew from all of my classes. I felt like a failure. I feel helpless and school is one of the main reasons that gives me anxiety. I really want to be something great in this world but I feel like Anxiety is holding me back. I feel like i'm locked in somewhere and can't get out. I wish college is much less pressure than that. I left my home and family to pursue my degree but I don't want to come back a failure. 

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Do you have disability accomodations? I do, and I doubt I could make it through school without them. School is terrible for my mental health.

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Accommodations under ADA are a big help in school. Public schools must offer them, I am a little hazy legally about private school. My experience is school had a whole department for people with special needs, with dedicated staff. I got more time for tests and assignments, help with note taking, leniency in missing school and making it up. Once I got accommodations it was up to the college to inform my teachers what my rights and their responsibilities were. They did not reveal the conditions I had to the teachers, just that they were responsible for offering specific accommodations to me. Period.  

Getting accommodations was easy. I provided minimal documentation (a note from my doctor) of my learning disability, ADHD, and depression and then the school offered me specific accommodations, I did not have to ask for them but I could of. I found what they offered to be more than sufficient. 

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As you'll see above, I don't get accomodations. That's because I don't have a psychiatrist. They're not as easy to come by, in my country. I'm not in America, so the ADA doesn't help me at all. 

 

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2 hours ago, WinterRosie said:

As you'll see above, I don't get accomodations. That's because I don't have a psychiatrist. They're not as easy to come by, in my country. I'm not in America, so the ADA doesn't help me at all. 

 

Well it is moot as you don't live in the in USA but a psychiatrist is not required for ADA accommodations, my psychologist got them for me.

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Where I live it requires a doctor's note; psychologists don't seem to count as doctors, from what I gather. Which is annoying, since if it was a psychologist I could make it work.

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Sorry if I missed this elsewhere on the board, but if I counted correctly it's been about 9 weeks since you posted this, which is when you said the term would be done. Did you manage to make it through your courses?

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I have an exam tomorrow, and then I need to go in on Friday to hand in final paperwork and do some closure and that sort of thing. I cannot wait for it to be over. Mentally I'm already done.

Thanks so much for checking in with me! 

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Thanks :D

What ended up happening is that I became pretty close with some now-friends of mine who were also struggling.

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