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TakeAChillPill

I can't deal with much. What to do.

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My 4 and 6 year old nephews are here at my mom's house and I'm supposed to be a co-babysitter and I've done the very minimal- I played one seemingly never-ending round of Candy Lane with my mother and the boys and I helped a lot with making dinner.  The rest of the time I've been useless.  They've been here since 1:30 and it's almost 6:15.

I can't deal with their loud screeching voices or the cartoons blaring on the tv which is why I am not in the basement with my mother and them.  

My mother makes a good point when she tells me one day i'll be very old and unable to care for myself and i should bond with my nephews now so that they will take care of me when I'm older.  

I'm a bad Aunt.  I'm really just a cold b****.  I feel like I'll be able to relate to my nephews better when they are adults.  I just don't like kids that much.  I know my nephews are cute and even sweet but I don't have a sense of commitment to them.  I feel detached from them like I do from everything else.

I feel like I suck at being a person- a human being.  It is true that I only care about myself.  Sometimes I just want to sleep in my comfy bed and snuggle with my cat, getting up for meals and then going back to bed.  

My mom and I have been discussing the possibility of me getting the gastric sleeve surgery.  It might be worth it.  Maybe it;s better to do it now before to gets too late.  I'm 36.  :-/  

 

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Truth is, not many adult children take care of their parents, so it's not a sure thing your nephews would take care of an aunt no matter how close you were now. You may be better off buying long term care insurance and making friends over time. Family doesn't necessarily take care of family. But if you want a relationship maybe it can be in shorter sessions. As they get to be older kids it might get easier. I regret not doing more with ny nieces and nephews, too late now as they are married and moved away. I never liked kids that much for some reason, unlike some people. And so I missed out I guess. I can't change that now. I can relate to your experience. I hope you can have some sort of relationship with them over time, it can be fun to be an aunt and then walk away after a couple hours. Not so sure about a whole day. 

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Kids can definitely get on your nerves. They say it's different if it is your own kids, but I don't know. I don't think it makes you a bad human being for not wanting to look after kids that are not your own. I think I too would feel saddled with them under similar circumstances.

I also agree that no matter how good you are to them, it's no guarantee that they would take care of you in old age. You aren't their mother even. 

ChillPill, if you think you need the gastric sleeve surgery to lose weight, then I think you are right to seriously consider it. You don't want to carry a lot of excess weight into middle age when things can start to go wrong. Lose the weight while you are still young. Plus, you will feel tons better physically and mentally. I'm not telling you to have the surgery though. You have to decide the best way for you to lose weight. It is different for everybody. That's why there are so many diets out there.

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I have no qualms at all saying I don't want and have never wanted kids, and while I enjoy playing with other people's kids, it's for a limited time only, and even then it depends entirely on the kid. Some kids I can click with and some I can't, just like with any other person. And it's largely the noise. Noise hurts me. Literally hurts. It's my worst Aspie sensory oversensitivity. 

I need a lot of downtime and privacy and you don't get that with kids. It doesn't make me a bad person. I have loads of socially redeeming qualities. I just don't like kids that much.

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I have my own kids and I love them. But I'm not a kid person and I don't really like them much. It's not different when they are your own, you just happen to love them so you deal with it all. Toddlers are especially hard work. Mine are grown now and I think I was always meant to be a mother of teenagers because I am so much better at it than I was a mother to babies or toddlers. Even older kids (7-10). They are noisy and attention demanding. It doesn't make you a bad person or a bad aunt.

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For me having my own kid truly was a game changer in every way. She doesn't get on my nerves. She's the greatest little human development wonder experiment ever. Plus she's a really neat little kid. Funny and curious and loving. She's marvelous and somehow managed to shift my life the second they put her warm soft little self on top of me. 

That said I'm not a kid person. I don't have any desire whatsoever to hold babies and it would take concentrated effort on my part to pretend to fawn over others' children. They don't annoy me so much as I just don't care. I don't want to be responsible for entertaining of holding them properly, much less changing and feeding them. I've never babysat and I'm an only child. I wasn't around kids growing up and have no need to be around them now. 

Except...my own child is my absolute delight and I love her in a way I didn't know I was capable of. I was lucky not to have had postpartum depression, to have had a physically easy pregnancy, and I've been (you know, relatively) fairly stable since I learned she was en route and decided to proceed. She's also a cheerful and, by all accounts, was an "easy" baby--certainly wasn't a colicky, fussy, or unslept one. 

All of which is to say: you can overall have neither the patience for nor even the interest in acknowledging others' children yet find something incredible with your own. But also, as a mum, it doesn't bother me in the least when others aren't into my kid. I wouldn't force her on a person I know isn't into kids just like I wouldn't want someone's kid foisted upon me.

You're not a bad person for not wanting to cope with extended hours of four plus six year old behaviors and needs. That sounds overwhelming as fuck to me and I have a 2.5 year old. There's no way I'd take on the challenge of watching two children who aren't mine. And you know they're not mine because I'm one and done. 

As for them taking care of you, I don't expect my girl to take me on when I'm unwell or elderly. She didn't make the choice to be here. I chose her and it's my responsibility to care for her and raise her without expectation. I hope I'm in her life but I frankly don't want her saddled with me. 

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10 hours ago, Jessamine said:

I have my own kids and I love them. But I'm not a kid person and I don't really like them much. It's not different when they are your own, you just happen to love them so you deal with it all. Toddlers are especially hard work. Mine are grown now and I think I was always meant to be a mother of teenagers because I am so much better at it than I was a mother to babies or toddlers. Even older kids (7-10). They are noisy and attention demanding. It doesn't make you a bad person or a bad aunt.

^^ this. My kids are 30, 17 and 15 now. The two teens are actually turning into people, and it makes all the difference in the world. 

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