ED Relapses, How do i stop it?

7 posts in this topic

I know the title sounds a little silly but let me explain (buckle up this is going to be a long one)

As a person that has struggled with heavy eating disorder tendencies for over 6 years now, you would think that I would have this all figured out by now... But that just isn't the case. It kinda just crept up on me when I was 10 and it never went away. I can't exactly pin how it started or why (otherwise it would be easier to treat it. Go figure) however, I never actively thought, "I want to skip meals and be thin". It just became a habit, one that I just can't break despite my best efforts. Its not that I don't want people to know because I dont want them to stop me, its mostly because I'm ashamed that my life has come to this. I am a very happy person that is friends with everyone and just wants the best for people. I just don't want this to change the way they see me. Such a strong and nice person being controlled by some thing so awful. Besides, there is a lot going on in my home life anyway and I dont want to add this on top of it all.

I know a lot of people say that "biology eventually rules out" and "you're setting yourself up for a binge the more you don't eat" I wish it were like that for me. I don't even have to think about it and I end up not eating for at least 3 days to sometimes a week at a time. And the few times that I do eat I just end up throwing it up anyway. Everything just feels so dull and repetitive that I don't even notice. I actively try to eat. But I keep falling back into the same behavior I don't want to die but I don't want to keep living this way. What should I do?

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Welcome to CB!

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, I can empathize.  My ED didn't start out like yours did, but I went through it for about 20 years before everything changed and I gained weight back (this was all over the 20 year period).  Like you, I hated how it controlled me, and the scale would make or break whether I had a good day or not.  (Eventually the scale thing stopped, and I was weighed once a week at the DRs office).

Home life and school were huge issues for me.  I'm glad school is going well for you. I was diagnosed in high school in 1988, 15 years old.  By college (2 years later), I thought the ED was over with, even though I still had tendencies and I ended up losing a lot of weight again.  So it was up and down for me for a long time before I recovered.

Is this something where you need reminders to eat, or is it where you don't want to eat for those 3 days or a week.  Do you purposely throw up the food you do eat?

Do you have a therapist (tdoc)?  They can be really helpful.  In the midst of the ED, I saw a tdoc for 9 of the years who really helped me a lot.  It was talk therapy, but that is what I needed then.  I found that the more I talked about things really stressing me out and/or making me anxious, it helped me calm down enough to get through until I saw her next (3-4 times a week), and it was a place where I could "dump" the baggage I felt with all the crap happening in my day-today life.  And when I saw her for the next appt, I'd have even more stuff to talk about.  I never ran out of stressful and anxiety provoking stuff to talk about and get out of my system for about 8 of the 9 years I saw her.  But it really helped.  Idk how I would have gotten through those years without her.

I highly recommend finding one if you don't have one already.

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Thanks  for the response. I appreciate your concern.

It's not that I need to be reminded, I tend to forget but that's not just something you don't notice. I guess in a way I just really don't want to. I don't force myself to throw up (other than one time when I ate seafood on accident) but I just get this feeling of sickness and shame after I eat something. I do however self harm to make myself to get that "baggage off of my chest" as you had put it. I'm not sure what it is exactly that upsets me or what "triggers" it, but I just find myself doing it. 

But enough about that. This in an ED page lol. Anyway, no I don't have a doctor because my mom is a mental health practices and says "you don't need a therapist! Just tell me if you have anything on your mind!" Besides, she has so many problems in her life already I feel like saying my problems would only add to her stress (considering she kicked my brother out when he threatened to commit suicide, it wouldn't be the smartest thing to do haha)

Anyways thanks for the response, 

Cheers xoxo

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2 hours ago, SimplyLucy said:

Anyway, no I don't have a doctor because my mom is a mental health practices and says "you don't need a therapist! Just tell me if you have anything on your mind!"

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.  I can empathize but in other situations.

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Posted (edited)

Hi, I'm sorry you're struggling with this eating disorder, it sounds really tough.

i hope I don't offend, but when you say you don't see a therapist because of your mom, do you feel comfortable talking to her about this? if you're not you should go and ask your doctor for a referral to one, if you're old enough you could do it without telling your mom so she doesn't try to stop you. there's no shame in not wanting to talk to your parents about this personal stuff you're struggling with. I also can empathize with not wanting to add to her stress, I am unable to get a tdoc right now but am going to try again and ask for a referral-right now I do counselling with my case worker and I feel the same thing, I worry that I'm adding stress by venting to her. 

Edited by nervousbat

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Hey there! Thanks for your response.                                                                                It's pretty hard to offend me anyway so don't sweat it :,)

 I don't feel comfortable at all talking to my mom about this because although she is a mental healthcare professional, she doesn't handle her own personal problems very well. I'm sadly only a senior in high school  (16)  and I'm unable to schedule my own doctors appointments with confidentiality. My original idea was to let this pass and it would go away by the time I graduate but as you can see that hasn't been going very well for me haha. Maybe I'll just wait until I'm 18 to get one without my mom knowing? I'm not sure, I just don't want anyone else to know more than anything

Best to you xoxo 

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8 minutes ago, SimplyLucy said:

I'm sadly only a senior in high school  (16)  and I'm unable to schedule my own doctors appointments with confidentiality

Oh man ... BTDT also.  I'm sorry and I can truly empathize with you.  This same thing happened to me.  What I did was, was I saw a tdoc who gave me a very generous sliding scale, and I saw her until insurance kicked in.  At that point I went off of my parent's insurance on to my own insurance ... I'm pretty sure it was an HMO working with medicaid.  Not sure how it really worked but it worked.  My parents never found out until it was forced out of me that I was seeing a tdoc (fucked up time in my life).  I also had a 2nd opinion with a pdoc and paid out of pocket for the whole thing ... so that was a chunk of money but my parents never found out about that either.

I can understand not wanting to talk to your mother.

20 minutes ago, SimplyLucy said:

Maybe I'll just wait until I'm 18 to get one without my mom knowing?

FWIW ... to make this work (for your mom not finding out), make sure you get off of your parent's insurance if you don't want them to know anything.  And then make sure you get your own insurance.  IME your parents will get the bills or whatever if you are still on their insurance.  So I would make sure to get off their insurance first, and then change over to your own insurance or else you'll be paying yourself.  Not sure where you live, but Medicaid is available to people in the US.  You'd need to check their site for the qualifications. 

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