33 posts in this topic
Why am I like this?? I have been asked by someone to illustrate a book they're writing. I've worked with them before and have already had it published, but it wasn't anything major, it was a small project and only a few copies were printed. I was totally unhappy and dissatisfied with the look of my drawings, I felt like I could have done so much better but just didn't know how and was also annoyed that the client had so many requests and opinions about them. I understand that she wanted them to look a certain way, but I feel like she didn't have an open mind and wanted to control everything. I felt restricted and maybe I wasn't, but it doesn't change how I felt. I like to draw in a cartoony style, but she kept wanting me to tone it down and make them more plain. I was very unenthusiastic about the whole thing and I don't know why, I just couldn't muster any enthusiasm and wanted to get it over with, like an unpleasant chore or something, which seems crazy because I should be happy to be able to make money off my drawings. She's a nice person too so, ugh it just doesn't add up. Maybe I just don't work well with others. I feel like a jerk.
Anyway she has asked me to do another project with her, and I'm already NOT looking forward to it because my mind is only seeing the awful. Like she wants me to meet the child that she wants me to draw and all I can think of is what if she gets the child involved completely, and the child looks at my drawings of them and they say it doesn't look like them, even if it does?? Or, what if the child hates me right off the bat because I'm so pale or I creep them out? AND she wants me to draw a dog and I'm worried that she will make me meet a dog, and dogs freak me out when they bark (I'm sorry to people who love dogs, I like dogs too but just not when they bark)...she says I have been asked by the parent of the child to come over at 10, and my client is picking me up at 9:30 on Saturday. I asked if we could go there an hour later, just an hour and she said no, we HAVE to go there a 10 am on fucking Saturday. Wtf? I'd rather be shot than have to meet a bunch of people I don't know FIRST thing in the morning when I haven't had enough sleep, on the fucking weekend. Just, ugh, crap feelings all around. I'm afraid of coming off as a total jerk, but I guess maybe my anxiety comes in different forms like grumpiness. I wish I could just be a happy robot and comply with everything effortlessly. My dad said the other day that I could be doing multiple projects at once, that I don't have to work on just one little thing at a time everyday. But my sleep has been so bad, I can't stay the fuck asleep and wake up at 3 or 4 am and toss and turn until morning. So I have almost no energy to do more than a few drawings at a time everyday. Now I'm being asked to illustrate for someone and it's not that hard in reality, but it feels like I'm being asked to climb a mountain and sing the whole way. Kill me now please.
I don't know if this pertains to a particular diagnosis (like Bipolar), but perhaps it does? I am a Highly Sensitive Person (capitalized because I fit the official criteria in the book.) I am very sensitive to my environment and easily triggered, especially with any perceived stress. It's not just "big life stress" that can be justified, but little things also (ex: negative interactions with people, when things don't go my way, if I make a small mistake, bad news, argumentative or unfriendly people.) These sorts of things stick to me for a long time. I'm very affected and often brought to tears by these things, even after removing myself from the origin of stress. It really bothers me.
I can't seem to "CBT" my way out of it. A/Ds don't agree with me. It's an innate sensitivity that I cannot control. This "stress sensitivity" also runs in my close family, so partially genetic.
Is there a diagnosis for this? (I will also ask my pdoc) Do You think this is typically more related to Depression, Anxiety, or Bipolar mixed state or what? Are you extremely sensitive to stress & what is your initial reaction?
Alright, let's do this. Long story short, I had an amazing childhood, plenty of friends, loving family, I was outgoing, life was just awesome. Fast forward to middle school (8th grade), I suddenly become shy out of o where. Lost friends, became a loner, got teased/bullied daily. Same shit happened in high school, except it was worse. I thought things would be better once I got into college, and guess the fuck what? It has never been this bad.
Frankly, I don't understand why I'm picked on. I think it's bc I'm so quiet/shy and people take advantage of that. Any fucking ways. I'm sick of it, and I'm ready to bounce.
So, basically I've developed depression, aniexiy, horrible social skills, and blah blah blah. I don't wanna bore you. You get the picture though. I've done lots of research and I found a painless, peaceful way to die. I could do it anytime I want, BUT IM SO FUCKING SCARED. I'm terrfied of the after-life. I'm Christian, and I don't know if suicide is a forgivable sin. One day I was watching a horror movie, and a woman had acid poured on her face, and her flesh was burning and melting. And I thought...THAT COULD FUCKING BE ME IF I DID IT.
I know, a fix to my worries is to endure a miserable life in order to avoid eternal torture, but I seriously can't. Some people might say, "omg shut up life is hard for everyone, suck it up". I couldn't care less about those people. You expect me to continue my misery because you're telling me that I should? Fuck outtaaaaaaa here.
There are other factors/consequences for my actions, like hurting my family. I thought about it for nearly 4 years and I'm going to be selfish and do it anyways. All that crap people say about "it will get better" is not true. There's something else I'm not mentioning because I'm too embarased to say (the main reason for this suicide), but let's just say that I cannot have any social life or even a job because of it. I cannot be around people. I cannot make a living because a job requires an interview and co-workers. I'm barely getting through college, and my grades are struggling because I skip classes (since it's a huge room filled with 600+ people). I don't eat or go to the dinning halls bc again...people. I literally have nothing to live for. I don't mind the isolation, in fact, it's the only time I'm at peace. But I can't be isolated forever. I hope I'm making sense. Anyways.
I need some thought about this. If you're reglious, do you think I will be forgiven? If you're not, do you think life after death is peaceful?
Just a poll to see what your take is on MAOI's or TCAs (for Depression)...which do you prefer, and WHY? Both are not the 1st line of treatment (says my pdoc) she is hesitant to suggest either, but i have not tried either class.
Is one or the other more helpful and are they worth the side effects? (I've heard both have pain-in-the-butt side effects but why not try)
When you experience a change in mood, be it mania, depression, hypo or mixed does it creep over you slowly or is it like a switch got flipped?
I would like to ask the same question in regards to delusional/paranoid/psychotic symptoms.
For me and a few others I know it's a switch. Sometimes with a known trigger and sometimes just because BP wants to fuck with me.
Winter depression creeps but turns off all at once for me. So a bit of a creepy switch.
Do you find the same in reverse? Your depressed for a period, say 6 weeks and then click the switch gets flipped and wham it's gone?
Enquiring minds want to know. Well at least one mind does.