Bimbo Bear

I relapsed

3 posts in this topic

For the first time in months, I took to my old habits again and self harmed. I thought things were supposed to be better. I thought the medication would help. But I was wrong.

I'm just so tired of fighting my depression. I can't see myself living way far into the future anyways, so what's the point? Then I've got other negative thoughts swirling around my head too, like that nobody likes me, everyone judges me behind my back, and I'm just not supposed to be here. And the depersonalization is setting in again, so that can't be good.

I'm going to be fighting this for the rest of my life, aren't I? What's the point? I'm not even alive for any real reason anyways, so it's just a waste of effort.

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i dont really have any answers or advice, but i've felt exactly the same way before, it does get better, i don't know how, but it does.

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This might sound stupid, but you said you were clean for months before? Well that's an accomplishment. You're definitely not a failure if you fought it for months! Hell, you should be proud of yourself. 

And as far as not seeing yourself living very long, I've known a lot of people who say that. I was (and honestly am...) one of them. I didn't think I was gonna make it into college. I wanted to kill myself after graduating high school, but I didn't. Now I'm 21 with a lot more life experience and in ways, I'm doing a lot better. I'm still struggling with seeing the future, but it's there. 

And I don't know if this'll help you, but whenever I'm struggling to find the point in living, I say it's to prove the depression wrong. I don't want to be a statistic and I want to maybe make things easier for other people like me in the future, whether it be writing relatable characters with MIs, becoming a well-known writer/journalist with bipolar in the future, or what. Point is, I've got faith in you and so many other people have faith in you. You can feel free to PM me if you ever need someone to talk to and I can do my best to try and help.

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