20 posts in this topic
I really hope this is a good area of the site to put this, sort of a rant, sort of not. But probably, more or less a rant.
Living where I do, it's next to impossible to find a place to rent, a room that is. My boyfriend and I are so limited on funds we wanted to rent a room from someone, so we could start saving for a car and our own place of course. I'm tired of hitting a damn brick wall with everyone though, because it's two of us, and not one a lot of people wanna hike the rent up a couple hundred, not one, not two, but like three, four, maybe possibly more - if you're willing. They wanna charge us BOTH the asking amount, (that'll be 800 for two people. no?) We could get an apartment then, really. Or, today MY favorite, this came out of a lady's mouth,
She asked why I'm on disability, because I disclose that I get SSI and what he does for work so people know we're stable (sort of, he gets commission, and only half, in a small shitty town, but my check is of course stable.) and I told her because I'm mentally ill. I DIDN'T disclose my BPD, just my GAD and depression disorder. She had the balls to tell me, "you sound pretty intelligent for some on disability, I DON'T GET THAT MUCH FROM THOSE WHO ARE."
A fair amount of people with mental illness are highly intelligent - and creative, talented individuals. Even those with autism have high IQs, if I'm not mistaken? Correct me if i'm wrong please. Just because someone has a mental disorder/disability doesn't make them an idiot. Being an idiot, MAKES YOU AN IDIOT. I told her I graduated high school at 16, with honors, not because I was pregnant or at risk, and was going to join the Army but couldn't because I'm mentally ill. I started college at 17 pursuing my teaching degree, and a minor in CPS type social work when I get to university but had to put it on hold from lack of money to pay for it.
Am I common sense smart? Not really. Am I book smart? I would like to think so, really. I did pretty well in school, minus math classes. Everyone has that one subject they suck at, but I excelled in history and english subjects.
I just felt like that was much, she did state she's had roommates who were also on disability, but they were older, so I'm assuming SSDI and not SSI?
*No one* wants someone with a disability to be a - LIABILITY, either, she also said. That and because my boyfriend and I've not been together longer than four months which is slightly understandable, but because I'm disabled. You're shitting me, dude.
We don't want to rent an apartment outright because again, trying to save for a vehicle. I wanna work again, I don't like sitting at home trust me I don't, but it's not easy without a car. so many places want someone with open availability, and with my lack of "stable employment" I need more yays than nays if that makes sense.
Has anyone else dealt with this sort of bullshit? Don't try to relate if you don't get it, seriously. not anyone who was gonna comment, but to that lady. I can't stand people who do that shit, drives me nuts. More than I am. Lol.
i've been gone for a good minute, over the holidays i moved, after my eviction, i met a wonderful man, who i'm already having my worries about.
he's 22 years older, 42, i'm 20. was born in the 70s, lived mostly through the 80s to well of course now, and i'm already having my doubts....like normal.
fuck anxiety. really. always worrying about if he's being faithful, if he'll leave, if he loves me, or i love him, what's going to happen for/with us? the main two questions REFUSING TO STOP MAKING GOD DAMN CAMP IN MY HEAD
"do i really love him?"
"is he being faithful?"
the main two questions, THAT ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAAAAAAAAAAYS creep into my head no matter who i'm with. he has a huge thing about privacy. and of course, me being my worry wart, paranoid self always thinks - and says, "if you're not hiding anything....why would it matter if i looked at your phone/laptop/phone records/family tree/criminal history...." the laast bit of that was just me being dramatic but you get the picture. i mentioned how old he was earlier, because he says he's used to being from a generation where privacy was expected? i guess is how to word it? he believes the government is also always watching. he said that the generation he was from, they never worried about that sort of thing.
when we first got together, i was bad about going through his things.... *shocking* the last time i went through his phone, he said he was putting a lock on it. because i went behind his back, and into his things, three times... i've gone through his computer when he's had it unlocked as well. i've never found ANYTHING remotely suspicious. i mean yeah, porn is there, but he's a guy, and i enjoy porn too, hell we do as a couple. why do i still worry? he's a sex addict. i am too. i always worry he's going to fall into temptation and cheat. he's been married twice, cheated on, lied to, had all his money gambled away, etc. he's been with women who could really give two shits less about if he was happy or not. and one even beat the shit out of him. he did leave her. but the other two? was still faithful. to the end. they kept pushing him to leave. and it took him awhile to, or to realize. whichever. his friends even vouch for him saying he isn't like that. he always goes to work and straight home. doesn't have a car, and is not making enough money to get a cab to go see anyone really. so why do i worry? why? i think if he were to do anything it would be online. i bring this up and he says, "what would the point be? i couldn't see them. ever."
i might add the other day, when i was on the way to my therapy session, and he was on his way to work - he's a cab driver, they always pick him up. i saw the woman driving bent over his lap. he said she was new, and showing him her car charger because they got new tablets (which is where the fare information, credit card transactions, gps, etc is all kept of course.) and that the charger she got was the wrong voltage. which when i saw him the day before at work, he explained to me. because i mentioned just getting a cheap dollar store one. i even saw the packaging from the one had had to get, which was like a 3.1V. but the way it looked, wasn't good. i even called up to his work to see what was up. the girl who was dispatching i've met. she's nice. she even said that the lady was new, and pretty hideous, and that she was my boyfriend's relief driver, and she was having problems with her charger. so i let it go. finally.
anxiety is a harsh mistress...... in the fact that i have self harmed TWICE while we've been together. of course partially for attention to see if "he really loved me."
i've been on new meds for a little over a month. we've been together...almost three months. yes, still fairly new, and already driving him nuts. might i add that he's bipolar? and well all know BPD, and.....BPD....clash a lot. while i took the med route, he took the natural mediation route. to each their own, of course. i know i'm everywhere right now, and i'm really sorry.
it just goes back to an article i recently read. wondering about everything, anything, worrying...really. especially about him.
are there people here who are the same as him? that really value their privacy? are you hiding something? what's going on there?
does anyone else get this paranoid? i'm sure someone does. i can't be alone here.
I've been titrating Seroquel down from a dose of 600mg XR and I'm now down to 0mg. I've been titrating slowly, without going cold turkey. Because of the way Seroquel XR is formulated, you have to drop from 50 mg to 0. It is worth noting that I'm being treated for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, not schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. I'm in the process of taking Prazosin (minipress) and titrating it up to a therapeutic level and now that I'm up to 20 mg of Prazosin, I'm feeling okay in general. Prazosin is an alpha 1 adrenergic receptor antagonist in the same way that seroquel is - hence the change in medication.
I reduced the seroquel from 50 mg to 0 mg on Thursday night. I slept fine on the Thursday, but by Friday afternoon, things fell apart. I became irrationally suicidal. I had a large amount of medication due to weaning off seroquel, titrating up the Prazosin and also taking 300 mg of Pristiq per day. Since then, I haven't slept more than 4 hours a night. I can't seem to get to sleep before 5 am, and I wake after a couple of hours at best. The insomnia is intolerable, I just can't drift off to sleep. I'm thinking that I'm going to have to go to the GP and get some sleeping tablets.because I just need something to get me to sleep. My psychiatrist has been really unhelpful, he tells me to just take enough seroquel to make me sleep, but I don't want to do that. I feel like if I do that, that I'll never get off the seroquel.
I need to be able to sleep because I'm a law student, and my trimester is starting in a week's time. How long will the insomnia from the seroquel last?
A friend just showed me this site.
You guys, I really didn't know. Like, I knew, but.. no. Everyone feels negative and depressed and anxious, and I am just being dramatic, and emotional, but emotionally absent when it counts. My thought process is sporadic.
I have been in therapy for 8 years. Never once did I consider that NOBODY else thought the standard "Do you have access to weapons?" questions were hilarious. I answered "no" because I assumed they meant guns, or something.
Um, hi, if I wanted a weapon, this pen will do, butterknife, literally any room. I would find something if it came down to it. I never mentioned it because I thought it was the rare piece of common sense I actually had.
I knew I had depression, I knew I had built an entirely false persona, but it never clicked that that wasn't just what people do.
I went to the hospital for PTSD, and Major Depressive Disorder. And BPD seemed like a weird sidenote when I read it on my paperwork.
But I didn't know what it meant, the definitions are fine, but this forum really helped me feel like, idk, I'm not alone.