1 post in this topic
I don't have a lot of time to get the message out as I am currently hiding in the restroom at work.... I just need to get it out.
About 2 Or 3 weeks ago I started thinking about self harm. I have a pretty long past with it and always seem to turn to it. The problem is my husband gets so angry and blames himself when I do and then he babies me for months like I'm just gonna go jump off a bridge if he's not watching me 24/7. That's the only reason I don't. Because he gets annoying.
Well yesterday I was passed up for ANOTHER promotion by my partner who, although has worked for the company a tiny bit longer then me, she's actually only been at our store for like 5 months.... I needed that promotion... It was my ticket off night shift (which takes a huge toll on me, any over nighter can tell you) and a higher pay check which means I could've gotten meds or a tdoc. I hate my job so much I've called in 3 times this month just because I can't get myself out of bed to go.....
I've been walking around with a rubber band on my wrist for these few weeks snapping the crap out a me and tonight I think I may have caused a blood blister.... :/ I'm not happy with this situation at all..... I just want to be happy again and like my work...
By It's Just Me
I just started Celexa 4 days ago and last night was my first time taking the full dose (From 10mg to 20mg). I take it at night and wake up exhausted. Like I'm falling asleep every time I sit down and this morning I woke up with the super shakes. I'm also clenching my jaw big time and I don't grind my teeth ever. Celexa was the first anti depression med that I ever tried and I came off of it because of the sexual side effects (maybe tmi? oh well). My Dr wanted to see how it worked again since I didn't have a terrible reaction with it the first round. I would definitely remember if shaking or jaw clenching was a thing. What is going on here??
Side note I am also on 300 mg of Lamictal and Xanax as needed.
Why am I like this?? I have been asked by someone to illustrate a book they're writing. I've worked with them before and have already had it published, but it wasn't anything major, it was a small project and only a few copies were printed. I was totally unhappy and dissatisfied with the look of my drawings, I felt like I could have done so much better but just didn't know how and was also annoyed that the client had so many requests and opinions about them. I understand that she wanted them to look a certain way, but I feel like she didn't have an open mind and wanted to control everything. I felt restricted and maybe I wasn't, but it doesn't change how I felt. I like to draw in a cartoony style, but she kept wanting me to tone it down and make them more plain. I was very unenthusiastic about the whole thing and I don't know why, I just couldn't muster any enthusiasm and wanted to get it over with, like an unpleasant chore or something, which seems crazy because I should be happy to be able to make money off my drawings. She's a nice person too so, ugh it just doesn't add up. Maybe I just don't work well with others. I feel like a jerk.
Anyway she has asked me to do another project with her, and I'm already NOT looking forward to it because my mind is only seeing the awful. Like she wants me to meet the child that she wants me to draw and all I can think of is what if she gets the child involved completely, and the child looks at my drawings of them and they say it doesn't look like them, even if it does?? Or, what if the child hates me right off the bat because I'm so pale or I creep them out? AND she wants me to draw a dog and I'm worried that she will make me meet a dog, and dogs freak me out when they bark (I'm sorry to people who love dogs, I like dogs too but just not when they bark)...she says I have been asked by the parent of the child to come over at 10, and my client is picking me up at 9:30 on Saturday. I asked if we could go there an hour later, just an hour and she said no, we HAVE to go there a 10 am on fucking Saturday. Wtf? I'd rather be shot than have to meet a bunch of people I don't know FIRST thing in the morning when I haven't had enough sleep, on the fucking weekend. Just, ugh, crap feelings all around. I'm afraid of coming off as a total jerk, but I guess maybe my anxiety comes in different forms like grumpiness. I wish I could just be a happy robot and comply with everything effortlessly. My dad said the other day that I could be doing multiple projects at once, that I don't have to work on just one little thing at a time everyday. But my sleep has been so bad, I can't stay the fuck asleep and wake up at 3 or 4 am and toss and turn until morning. So I have almost no energy to do more than a few drawings at a time everyday. Now I'm being asked to illustrate for someone and it's not that hard in reality, but it feels like I'm being asked to climb a mountain and sing the whole way. Kill me now please.
I was on Seroquel for years and decided to change to Zyprexa hoping that the side effects would be less. Zyprexa turned out to be worse and so I changed back to seroquel and got really bad akathisia. So I changed back to Zyprexa again for a couple of months then decided to give the seroquel a try again, starting at a low dosage and increasing it slowly. When I increased the dosage to 200mg I suddenly started getting severe panic attacks and a sense of dread and anxiety that would not go away. So I changed back to Zyprexa again. This was about a month ago and the anxiety has not gone anywhere. I live with a sense of dread and panic every minute of every day. Could this be akathisia again? The last time I had it I couldn't sit still which is different now, its just a sense of inner distress that hangs with me. I don't know what to do! My doctor thinks its just normal anxiety but I really feel like the seroquel caused some kind of physiological change, its completely abnormal for me.
By OCD Mama
I've done a little lurking and thought I would finally post something in hopes of being able to relate to others, get advice and perhaps even help others.
Let me introduce myself. I'm Sara, I am a 29 year old mother to one beautiful, 5 year old little girl. She's my only. And my everything. Not long after giving birth to my daughter, I developed postpartum depression and OCD. The OCD took the form of intrusive thoughts. Thoughts of harming my baby. Of course, this sent me on the worst anxiety roller coaster I had ever experienced. I didn't understand what was happening to me or why. I knew I didn't want the thoughts or to harm my tiny baby but I couldn't turn off the thoughts. I started googling and that was both a blessing and curse. I found stories of other women suffering from Postpartum OCD and quickly realized that I had just that. But I also came across awful stories of psychosis that only sent my anxiety to the highest peak imaginable. I eventually convinced myself that I would become psychotic and harm my child. I never had the desire to act on my thoughts (thankfully) but would have to assure myself that if I ever felt that I was going to act on the thoughts, I would take my own life before I harmed my child in any way. Now I was paralyzed with fear and unable to function so I sought out help. After a few trials of multiple drugs and psych's, I ended up on Luvox which literally saved my life. I stayed on for 3 years and functioned really well. Took a break for a year and then last year, had a particularly rough and stressful time in my life and I wasn't coping so well so I decided to go back on. About 6 months being back on Luvox, I became less motivated, anxiety started creeping back in and then the intrusive thoughts resurfaced briefly. The thoughts arent there so much now and I think they only lasted briefly because I recalled how to manage them from prior CBT therapy. However, the anxiety, the feeling of "Something is really wrong with me" wouldn't leave. So back to the psych I went. She ordered genetic testing which revealed I have the COMT met/met gene mutation- meaning I have excess dopamine in my brain. Luvox is not effective or has adverse reactions to those with this type of mutation and advised that I taper off because it was now ineffective. Which I don't understand completely because it worked well for so long before and now- nothing. So the tapering is going...I wouldn't say well... but it's going. Im down to 25mg. And let me tell you, this is HARD to get off of.
Looking back at my life, I realize that there were always OCD tendencies ad anxiety issues thanks to traumatic events in my childhood. But I guess full on OCD came on when I gave birth to my child.
Currently, I just feel something is "off", I have anxiety like crazy, I obsess with whether or not I am or will become schizophrenic because yup, my OCD has turned me into a compulsive "googler," As soon as I see an article about the gene mutation I have being related to schizophrenia or psychosis, I basically panic. (thought the literature says it isn't always) I get incredibly anxious and dizzy in public, I experience DP/DR, I have hypnagogic hallucinations which can be attributed to the meds, the anxiety or even narcolepsy. I'm not sure what it is that is "off" or if this is all attributed to tapering off of luvox. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for reading my story.