xanathos

Out of Control

7 posts in this topic

Before I say anything, I am dx schizophrenic and borderline (though my doctor writes schizoaffective on papers, leaving out the BPD dx but in my papers for college he wrote sz and bpd). 

I have my schizophrenia under control for the most part—but now my bpd is running rampant. All I think about is cutting and killing myself these days, regardless of whether I feel good or not. I feel like I'm getting closer to the edge. Though, at the same time I don't want to die. I have been storing old meds and overdosing on them, but it's never enough to die and I know this. I don't really tell anyone any of it unless it feels as though I become horribly ill off it. Lots of anger lately too, as well as so many mixed feels. I am sick of the ambivalence. 

I've done DBT over and over and while some things help, a lot doesn't help me. I feel like I am just distracting myself which is getting really old. Real quick. 

I keep thinking about going back IP but that used to be maladaptive thing on my part. I used to go a lot, even when the sz was under control. Only because it was all I knew for a long time. 

My supports do not feel as though they are enough. I am probably more supported than many others, but yet I feel invisible to these supports. I am tired of pretending I am OK. Even when ai open up to them they still see me as OK cause even if anythong comes my way I guess I'm ok somewhat .

I feel ignored and neglected no matter what and im sick of it. 

I probably will keep ODing until I'm damaged. Maybe i'll grow to hate myself so much that I can actually kill myself.

 

Sorry to bother you guys I am just at wits end.

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You aren't bothering anyone. I've been through those BPD patches- they take away any ability to look beyond what you feel right now. Not saying that to be condescending, I literally can't understand not being suicidal when I am suicidal. It feels like it will just continue without stopping, but it does end. Not just the initial suicidal urges, but the frequency and intensity. They can and do quieten down. God the ambivalence is awful. 

You said you don't want to go inpatient, I've heard of some flexible programs where you aren't completely inpatient (free to come and go, get lunch etc) but also can come in and people are there for you. Can't remember what they're called but it might be worth looking into, if there's any such programs in your area. Maladaptive coping mechanisms (if that's what this is?) can be harmful, but if you feel you are in more danger being outpatient than inpatient maybe it's worth working on the IP thing when you feel more stable? I hope things get easier, if you feel comfortable let us know how you're doing

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I did go inpatient but it didn't help. Everything is eating at me.

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I'm sorry to hear it. Are there any t/pdocs you could talk to? Beyond at home DBT?

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I will see my pdoc on the 26th and am trying to get sliding scale psychotherapy but for now I am seeing a counselor and my case manager

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Glad to hear it, I hope they're more useful than IP

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"Intensive outpatient program" I've been in a few. You still have the ability to live at home. With mine I did 9 hours a week of group/dbt, saw a psychiatrist once a week, and a therapist once a week. Definitely look into one. It helped me a lot. 

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