3 posts in this topic
I was diagnosed 30 years ago bipolar took all kinds of meds. Drug and alcohol abuse my entire life. Never in one place long enough or clean enough to think not bipolar. I have been mostly clean and around same people 7 years now. Questions led to testing. Told I have avoidance disorder. I stopped meds. Things are scary Dr. Stopped working with me. I have not been without some med. Or drugs for lifetime. I get paranoid and doubt everything. I see councilor but feel like a child all this new stuff and fear no sleep trying to work crying happy opinion on everything friends family myself no idea what I am. Off meds 2 month. Struggling. Not apposed to meds but need time to sort out who I am and what I can handle. Sorry lost right now. Trouble at work had to take off need help
Hi everyone, I am new here. Thanks for clicking my post, I'm kind of a mess right now and I don't know what to do.
I am a 40 year old female, married with kids. I've never been to so much as a counselor in my whole life. I feel like I am just now understanding that I have spent my life using my intelligence to smokescreen doctors and just get whatever I came for instead of admitting problems. Early in 2015, I went to my doc with the agenda of getting more Ativan. I was indeed having real anxiety, as we had just bought a new business AND moved across the country, so I was highly stressed. I have never been prescribed an antidepressant (never admitted depression to a doc). I used to do tons of recreational drugs as a young woman in college, and did more than my fair share of any kind of benzos I could get my hands on, but I never was diagnosed with anxiety or anything of the sort. I wanted a chill pill. The doc put me on Wellbutrin XL 150mg. I was willing to take it because one of our dearest friends feels that bupropion saved his life. My husband had been urging me to see about getting treated for depression, so I shrugged and decided to give it a try. I thought it wasn't helping me in the slightest and randomly stopped taking it after a couple of months and kept doc shopping for Ativan. My buddy takes 300mg, and he eventually convinced me to try a higher dose.
Within only a few days of starting 300mg XL, I went into what I now know was a long, very powerful hypomanic state. My appetite bottomed out and I lost 80 pounds in six months without even trying. I felt GREAT. Energetic, full of ideas. My eyes would fly open around 5am, no matter what time I went to bed. I started wanting sex morning, noon, and night (after basically being entirely willing to go six months without). I started smoking a lot of pot again. I started learning to play an instrument, and actually got pretty good. I have a loud, assertive personality in any case, and my husband and I both assumed this was the "normal" me that was finally coming out from under depression. I was amazed, and kept telling anyone who would listen how great Wellbutrin is. I felt less angry, generally speaking, so I was really amazed that symptom of depression could be anger. I always thought my simmering anger and irritability was just.. me. As I became more hypomanic, it became very hard for me to eat enough to maintain a body weight that I didn't feel was TOO skinny (NEVER a problem before), my sleep was getting more disrupted, my opinions more strident, and I started struggling with being angry that my husband (the usual target, sometimes the kids) weren't "doing it right". Lots of amped-up but resentful cleaning of the house where I'm muttering in my head about how I'm the only who who fill-in-the-blank. Also, I started a few big renovation projects on our property with EXTREMELY short windows of time in which they would have to be finished (ripping up carpet in a room that needed to be ready to go in less that two weeks). As I type this, our kitchen is STILL half-painted a different color. Finally, the "peak" of this episode culminated in an event that will be hard to explain to others, but in a nutshell, I nearly had an affair with a friend of ours. When I say "nearly had", it is important to distinguish that my husband and I have experimented in the past with having an open relationship, and I did not "sneak" around to do this. However, the "usual me" hadn't been interested in having any sort of shenanigans like that since we were WAY younger. To say that it could have ended badly is a HUGE understatement. I still had no idea at this point what hypomania even IS. I never followed up with my doc after he raised my dose because the guy got FIRED from his practice (!) and we live in a very rural area and finding another doc was proving really tough. So, eventually, I go into an urgent care clinic for a UTI, and start running my mouth about it, and the guy says, "Well, you are hypomanic I can tell you that right now and we've been in the room less than five minutes." This was, maybe 4-6 months into the episode. I was really surprised, and I go home and start Googling 'hypomania'. Of course, everything fit the description exactly.
So, now what? I outright refused to stop Wellbutrin, there was no way I was going to gain back 80 pounds, for starters. My husband and I basically spent the next couple of months working out ways between us that we could keep lines of communication open, and that I would defer to his judgement more often, and of course IMMEDIATELY stopped sexual foolishness. I began reporting to him if I had trouble getting enough calories for the day, or if I wanted to communicate with a customer but I had to "cool down" first. He supported me in keeping up with my meds, since he genuinely felt it made me happier. I got more Ativan to take the edge off the bad days. Right around the time the weather changed for this winter (we live very far north), I started coming down. Since then, I have had both days of mad cleaning and days where I have written three songs in one day, interspersed with stretches of days spent playing video games in a separate room from the family, sleeping on a bed of candy bar wrappers (literally). I've been a little bit all over the map. I decide my Wellbutrin's "not working anymore" and start more Googling.
Three days ago, I started finding testimonies online from people with BP who had hypomania on antidepressants. I blew this off immediately. Then I found more and more medical journals where basically not a single person with unipolar depression in twenty different bupropion studies had a hypomanic reaction.. but fully half of all bipolar patients had a hypomanic reaction. I started looking up subtle symptoms of bipolar. I broke down in tears when both my husband and I agreed that I came up 11 out of 11. I feel like it's like waking up and finding out I'm adopted. My frame of reference for my entire life just got changed. I am completely freaking out, to be honest. I am looking back on my life and seeing that there were so many interludes where I was just.. I guess I'll just say "freaking" for strange, random reasons, like mini-nervous breakdowns.. but I always just thought I was like my Dad, who had a very assertive, dominant personality. I do know that my Dad was in a mental hospital for two weeks in the late 60s, but he claimed it was a mescaline overdose. It was the 60s, ya know. It never ever occurred to me that the drugs could have aggravated an underlying mental disorder in him. After that incident, I do know he basically quit all drugs and alcohol. I (to my knowledge) have never had an actual psychotic break, but I didn't know there was more than one kind of bipolar. I have had depressed periods, for sure, and I also can see a long pattern of crazy impulsivity (example: flip out on Mom for no reason, drop 5 best friends, and move to a new state without a plan).
I know I probably sound like a real jerk, coming on here and laying all this stigma and shit on people who have been living with their diagnosis forever. I guess I just want to say, I had a very traumatic experience around bipolar particularly. I was 17 years old, and my boyfriend and I had been dating for all of high school. His mom was bipolar, and she was taken off her lithium due to kidney damage. I don't know if her doc just didn't substitute or if she stopped taking the new meds, but she had a psychotic break. She was speaking in tongues, throwing things, doing weird rituals, running away, crashed the car.. My boyfriend had no dad, no grandparents, nobody to help him at all except me. Us two little 17 year olds had to attend two hearings and speak to judges several times to have her involuntarily committed at the state hospital. As soon as they got her on a new med, she was immediately improved and completely came out of it. But it was a long process and terrified me. I just figured that is what bipolar looks like: perfectly no problem but completely crazy with no meds. Obviously, my attitude has evolved since then. :-\
We live at least an hour drive each way to the nearest psychiatrist. I started Googling mood stabilizers and I am really skeptical of side effects. I absolutely do not want to come down or off my Wellbutrin. I'm terrified that if I go see someone I'll end up with a diagnosis on my medical record that I am not sure I am prepared for, and that the doc won't take into account my wishes. I'm a goddamn mess right now. I don't know if I am really "cycling" right now or if I am just losing it over the IDEA of being bipolar and undiagnosed my whole damn life. I don't know if I want to see a shrink at all. My husband is concerned that when the summer hits, the fact that it won't be so dark and gloomy and winter-cloudy will make me go hypomanic again. I'm also relying heavily on pot to help me eat sufficient calories, and keep from being so damn pissed off all the time. I don't know what I am even asking you guys right now. Thanks for listening.
By Talky Tina
It's 11 and I woke up at 2 or 3. I don't remember. I went to bed around midnight. I have a disappointed cat and a cold apartment. An appointment with one therapist tomorrow and another on Thursday.
Tomorrow is going to be with a therapist that has a focus on youth. I'm 29 so I'm only 'several months away from our last meeting. She's been with me for over 6 years. Oversaw my homelessness, my transition, my going into and out of hospitals. I want to keep seeing her weekly for years to come but I guess it's only reasonable. And the right time. If it wasn't I'd know. I just kind of.. I'unno.
Her and I talk about nightmares a lot. They really fucking suck. I don't know if it's because I forgot to take my med last night but I had a lot of them. Walked in on a play my friends were putting on. Accidentally wandered on stage and I didn't have a part in it. So I ran off stage and into a field that kept changing. I got a call from a friend and I couldn't describe what I was seeing. I realized that no one could understand and I was going crazy.
I then "woke up" in a dark room and someone was pounding on a door it was a rapist and I was in trouble. Lately I've been having those pop up in my dreams a lot. I won't share anymore. But I woke up for real and saw mealworms covering my body. And then the dream imagery stuff kind of faded away.
So. that's cool. Usually I write a bit of what I dream to my therapist when it's awful. It must not be weird to have a connection with a therapist you've been seeing. I mean.. C'mon it's their job. But. Still. I'm an adult and in a way I feel like I'm going to be stepping out into the big wide world alone. In some ways I've been alone for most of my life. It's just.. in some ways it feels more so now that we're dissolving the relationship. Her practice is growing in leaps and bounds. She's going on a sabbatical and I... the great 29 year old kid is going to be looking for new caregivers. I guess. In a couple of months.
Then why does it feel like it's already happened? Then why am I still scared to go to sleep like a child? Then why am I 29 years old still unable to go grocery shopping, step out of her apartment, still unable to shop for clothes and haven't done laundry in months? then why am I? I don't know... Why do I feel like I've already missed out on most of life? Unable to bring myself to play with my cat and spend a substantial amount of my time crying alone?
I guess I don't know. fuck life. right?
So... I've had an account here for a while, I figured I should probably introduce myself to the endless void of code that makes up the internet.
I don't really know what to say, I don't know why I'm here. I'm doing this during school, I'm surprised this site isn't blocked to be perfectly honest.
That's pretty much all there is to it. I'm not happy for perfectly no reason, I have a good life, a good family, good friends, an education. I'm a typical white middle class girl. Dull as hell. I don't really know how these things go... I guess I should have read some introduction posts before I decided to write my own.
I really don't know what to say, and I know no one will be reading this anyway, so I think I'm going to end this here.
Well, in terrible at this so I'll just I guess tell you about myself? Idk.. Anyways. Sorry For such a long post!!
For 12 years I've struggled going from Dr to Dr trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I am without a doubt BP and the other thing they just couldn't figure out. After almost 2 years with the same dr, I went into his office completely fed up because I felt like literal s*** and was over it.I have been on everything. 12 years worth. He put me on Lamictal and I take 200mg which seems to work I guess but the depression was still there. He put me on Latuda which should have been sugar pills because they did absolutely nothing. Then wellbutrin.. Hello PSYCHO alert.. I went crazy. Then gabapentin for the depressive episodes .. Nothing, just ridiculous irritability. Then on to Abilify which worked for about 3 days then I didn't sleep for a week because the 5mg made me manic and I stayed up all night mind racing. He upped it to 10mg and I couldn't sit still, I had to keep moving it was absolute torture. It felt like restless leg syndrome in my entire body!! So then I went on Saphris.. Sedation. All I can use to describe it. It tastes disgusting and made me so stoned I literally would get up in the middle of the night to make a sandwich IN MY SLEEP. I gained 10 pounds in a month and had restless legs from it. This last visit he asked about my drug history. I said I did them many years ago and I would never again. Then he asked "what happened when u did cocaine?" I said I felt awesome and would get everything done and would go to bed. He was surprised, he couldn't believe I actually slept on that drug and says "I'm almost positive you have ADD, very few people can even lie down when on cocaine and you actually had a full nights sleep. he put me on Adderall and gonna say I felt so WEIRD and disconnected from my body but the anger (like I had hot lava running through my veins) is gone and so is the sadness. The crying before work, during lunch and after work. Sometimes when I'd take showers I would just sit in there an cry and I have a,burden listed off of me because,I don't feel that. I just hope this time we finally got to the bottom of this. Thanks for reading!