Hawk1

Help! I had no control

2 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

Hi, I'm new here, but I'm really worried about what just happened. I cut when I am extremely stressed, I never cut very deep, and only on my legs. I just want to feel some physical pain to even out the emotional. I suppose I am dependent on that, but it happens rarely for it to be a big issue in my life. Once every month or two, It happens.  

I was having a long argument with my SO over skype & I couldn't take the stress any longer. I had felt a long build up and was getting extremely sad and stressed. All the sudden my vision went black, and the strongest urge I ever felt made me feel like I needed to self harm as soon as possible. I grabbed something sharp next to me and cut my leg, without a second thought. It was Urge --> Action. And that scares me that I felt like I had no control over myself during that time. I don't know what happened , I don't want to feel or act that way again. 

Edited by Hawk1

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Scary to feel that out of control, I imagine.

my second thought is figuring out ways to put distance between thought and action. A couple of ideas: move/hide/lock/tape up the everloving shit out of things you use to self harm with ductctape or something. Also consider having conversations that may get heated in a public place or at least in a place where you aren't alone.

third thought is to identify what those early warning signs are. When it's not heated with your SO, see if they would be willing to help you both identify signs of increasing escalation, and agree to not keep talking when your "emotion thermometer" is getting hotter.

my first two thoughts though are a) are you safe/do you need medical and psychiatric evaluation to help you assess that? And b) do you have a tdoc who knows their stuff around self harm who can help you figure out what happened, what increased your vulnerability, where you need more skills, and places to interrupt when you see it starting to happen again?

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