juxtaposition

Feeling like a fake because of recovering..

6 posts in this topic

I can't help but feel like I was a fake..like I wasn't sick enough because I self recovered when I neared a "scary low weight". Ugh. I feel like weight restoring has just erased my validity as a person with an ED..I know you can be ill at any weight when it comes to ED's but personally, I feel like I'm an imposter.

 

Is this typical for people in recovery?

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Posted (edited)

5 hours ago, juxtaposition said:

I can't help but feel like I was a fake..like I wasn't sick enough because I self recovered when I neared a "scary low weight". Ugh. I feel like weight restoring has just erased my validity as a person with an ED..I know you can be ill at any weight when it comes to ED's but personally, I feel like I'm an imposter.

 

Is this typical for people in recovery?

I don't think you are an imposter.  Everyone's ED is different and everyone experiences it differently. 

For me personally, I didn't feel like this.  It took me 20 years to finally recover from being anorexic at times/bulimic at times.  I knew I had a problem because my weight was constantly a problem.  Too low, or else I was bingeing ... soon to lose all that weight again.  I was finally able to keep on the weight, and then add some, and be fine with it.  It doesn't bother me anymore.

Like I was saying, everyone's ED is different, as well as how they experience it.  So I don't think you are an imposter.

Edited by melissaw72

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I definitely feel like that sometimes too, honestly. Like, I self-recovered by not allowing myself to be weighed at all (even by a doctor) and I constantly feel like I wasn't sick enough even though I refused to eat homecooked meals at all because I couldn't get an accurate calorie count for them, I purged frequently, and I went months without eating a substantial amount of calories for the day. Your eating disorder is not 'not bad enough' because you self recovered.

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I felt like a fake even when I was purging multiple times a week, and sometimes multiple times a day.

You can bet that now that I've not purged for a few years, that I still do. However, the thing with EDs is that they're measured not so much in behaviours,  but in thoughts. 

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I'm currently recovering after a year-long relapse.  I understand the subtle feeling of invalidation or invisibility when one weight restores on one's own.

In my experience, there's never going to be a "sick enough," and any measure of sickness in thought or body is burdensome and valid.

For me, keeping present of mind why I want to be healthy and how much more I can do when healthy vs. sick is helpful. 

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9 hours ago, lifequake said:

  I understand the subtle feeling of invalidation or invisibility when one weight restores on one's own.

I have been through this problem and it really sucks, of when I would gain weight, I looked "fine" to people, so it didn't look like there were any problems, and then felt like they didn't believe I had an ED in the first place.  Even though I knew I still had an ED. 

I've had people with an ED in the past tell me how when they gained their weight back, it was like there wasn't anything wrong anymore, and the treatment totally changed.

 

FWIW ... Same concept, different scenario ... I have had this same thing happen to me also with my GP ... but with MI ... I told him I was SZA, and he said I looked fine ... "there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with you" ... and I said I am on medication to be like this.  And he said it again, that I looked fine, and I said it is the medication. And that if I weren't on medication I would be like this. 

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