9 posts in this topic
I've had two previous major psychotic episodes while off my medication for long periods. These episodes put me into a manic frenzy that caused legal problems. Once where I isolated and resisted arrest on foot and the other where I resisted / eluded by motor vehicle across 3 counties. One occurred during a heat wave in mid-July and the next during frigid temperatures in mid-January, thus extreme temperatures are one of my triggers.
Thankfully there was little damage and no one was hurt either time.
My lifestyle pattern involves me taking anti-psychotic medication by court order (usually by injection) for 1 to 2 years for probation before going off and feeling consistently better from the lack of adverse side effects (akathisia, drowsiness, suicide ideation, anxiety, panic attacks, anhedonia, hopelessness, severe weight gain, etc).
I do well for about 7 to 8 months but then begin to isolate in my apartment and decompensate and become delusional and manic, thinking I possess special abilities and evolutionary traits and can communicate with a higher power. There is some paranoia involved as well. Sometimes I hallucinate. Then I relapse and become frenetic.
There is however, little to no depression when I'm off the anti-psychotics. When I take them I'm severely depressed.
I have seen a number of psychiatrists since I developed this illness in 2011 at age 22 and been labeled Paranoid Schizophrenic, Schizoaffective, and Bipolar 1 With Mania. None of them are completely synonymous and my current psych can't make up his mind.
I'm very sensitive to anti-psychotics. Only 1.25mg of Zyprexa zapped my delusional thinking and hallucinations in a few hours and Invega Sustenna 39mg (what I'm currently taking) is more than enough for treating my symptoms as well. The same thing with 2mg of Abilify. I'm just saying this because I've heard that some individuals need moderate to higher dosages for the medications to be effective. I'm not one of them.
Anyway, I came across one psychiatrist who was part of the justice system (in the beginning of my term) who refused to place me on an anti-psychotic claiming I was too focused during my occurrences with the police for him to diagnose me Schizoaffective. He said that I still retained some sanity based on what he was told and wasn't trying to murder anyone or hurt myself.
He refuted Schizoaffective Disorder and labeled me Bipolar 1 With Mania And Temporary Psychosis and said I had one of the most extreme cases of Mania he had ever seen. He recommended a heavy mood-stabilizer instead of an anti-psychotic. He said there may be some delusional thinking but I will remain baseline and wont act upon them. Unfortunately, I was extradited within a few weeks and placed out of his care and the next psych I came across was an AP dispenser and convinced me to take it so probation would accept me.
The only mood-stabilizer I've tried is Nuerontin or Gabapentin and I wasn't on it long enough to know if it treated my symptoms effectively.
I come off probation in December and don't want to get in trouble with the law once again, but at the same time I despise what these anti-psychotics are currently doing to me. Some things I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. Being on the anti-psychotic leads to depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, akathisia, hating every aspect of life, and weight gain and coming off completely means thinking I have 38 girlfriends and can stop missiles in their tracks. Could a mood-stabilizer be the appropriate balance to end this nightmare? Can someone have Bipolar Mania so severe they develop Psychosis but not actually be Schizoaffective?
I have schizoaffective disorder bipolar type but don't have hallucinations and never had.
What I have are thoughts like: a family member is answering to another and they answer with a displeasing (I think) voice, for example, say "No" in that tone, and I think it is because of me that they are angry when they answer. Or when my mother sighs or something, I think in a weird way that she's sighing because I am a failure. I think when I am with my family members or when I hear them talk, I tend to feel like I am the cause of all the problems in their lives.
What do you make of it?
By unknown diagnosis
So I haven't been feeling well lately, not as bad as I felt last time I had to go to the hospital, but not too good either. Lately the suicidal ideation has ramped up a lot, but its not from me its from the psycho-ocd intrusive thoughts. I feel no need to act on them, but for some reason they are extremely comforting (thinking about suicide that is). I just cant stop thinking about killing myself. Ive also heard my name being called a lot at random times, not too sure what that is but it might be a new symptom. I don't feel like a danger to myself yet, but im scared I will be very soon. I haven't talked to my tdoc or pdoc about these issues yet but I have an appointment coming up soon. Do you think a hospital stay is in my future?
By unknown diagnosis
So I've been wondering for a while. Wouldn't it be better if I just stopped all meds and let out whatever disorder I have that's waiting to come out? I have attenuated psychosis, so my delusions and hallucinations aren't that bad, but everyday I get worse (such as developing new delusions) and frankly, I'm tired of getting worse slowly everyday. My meds seem to work for a while but then I get worse despite being compliant. Should I just stop all my meds to let out whatever is hiding inside? I would have done this a while ago if it wasn't for my father who doesn't want to see me get worse. I'm just getting so desperate at this point.
By unknown diagnosis
In your experience, after a period of feeling good and being relatively symptom free, do you become extremely bad? Like do you need to go to the hospital ever again after the initial stay?
Im just sitting here thinking about how my psycho-ocd keeps getting worse and i keep getting new symptoms despite being without too many symptoms for a while. Will i have to go back to the hospital one day?