8 posts in this topic
So this has only happened the last 2 days (not typical for me)... but I was feeling down in the dumps (as usual) on the bus due to an encounter earlier in the day that left me a bit teary-eyed. On the bus, there was an older (mid-50's) woman next to me with a fully shaved head. Prior to noticing her standing close next to me, I was having peculiar thoughts/assumptions that this woman next to me had Cancer and I could "sense" her suffering. I could feel her "pain body" as I looked into her eyes/face.
As I initially got on the crowded bus, I thought I was feeling/sensing all people's pain on the bus and felt emotionally overwhelmed with deep sadness, yet also compassion.
I was not thinking I was psychic or could read anyone's thoughts necessarily, it was more of this hypersensitivity of feeling...like I was absorbing people's pain and feeling it all, in addition to my mental pain - if this makes sense? It was fleeting (this all stopped as I got off the bus). I'm wondering however, if this is a symptom of psychosis? Like a depressive psychosis? It was NOT a good feeling & I've never had any sort of beliefs that I am psychic, all-sensing or anything of that sort yet this sort of symptom has happened to me before when in a more severe depression.
I notice a lot of people around here with SZA dxes, and I know of some people here with BP1 dxes with psychosis outside of mood episodes, so I am wondering how common is it for you to have started out with what appeared to be an ordinary mood disorder, with psychosis only occurring within mood episodes, but where the psychotic symptoms eventually gained independence from the mood symptoms, so that they now can occur at any time? Bonus points if one has also developed negative symptoms and/or cognitive symptoms separate from depression after having originally developed a mood disorder.
(That is what seems to have happened with me; my early psychotic symptoms were all tied to mania, but now seem to be completely independent of mood, and I now seem to have negative symptoms in any mood, when avolition for me was originally tied specifically to depression.)
In the past year, especially the last three and a half months, my psychotic symptoms have been coming out of the woodwork, after having been gone for years, and have especially hit hard in the last three weeks. In the most recent times I have had insight, even though I have lacked insight to some degree at times in the past, but I have definitely observed a pattern in recent times of acting on my delusions as if they very much were real, of that what insight I have has very little impact on my actual behavior, of that what insight I do have is not enough. I am afraid that, at some point in the near future, I will lose insight altogether, and will simply go off the deep end.
Recently my pdoc has added a tiny amount of cariprazine (1.5 mg) to my risperidone (6 mg), but I feel she is being overly conservative, as 1.5 mg is indeed a tiny dose of cariprazine. I hope at my next appointment she will increase the cariprazine to 3 mg, rather than, as I suspect she might, waiting until I really lose it before increasing my dosage.
I'll try to keep this short, but I'm extremely terrified so I might rant a little.
Basically my fiance (he's 32) lost his job about a month ago and ever since has been in a deep depression. Nothing new there, as we have both dealt with depression (on and off) for a very long time. Then last week, he stopped sleeping and was barely eating. His mood didn't seem all that low surprisingly. He was still talking to me and still seemed like himself. He was just exhausted from the horrible insomnia.
All of this seemed manageable until Thursday night when everything suddenly changed. We got into a small pointless argument and then he went into the other room while I went to bed. I didn't even get to sleep before I heard him explode in the other room. For the next 6 hours he exploded with anger every 20-40 minutes. He punched the wall and hurt his hand, hit his face a lot, and destroyed some property. This entire time, he was a different person. He would stop mid sentence to scream and say how worthless he was and then completely change the subject again. I used to take care of a severely mentally ill woman and this seemed exactly like her psychosis and delusions. Every single thought was blown up x 10 and he was completely out of control. If I wasn't there, he would have killed himself for sure. Eventually (with lots of benzos) he calmed down enough to talk and fall asleep.
The next day we talked extensively about what happened. He can't remember most of what happened and says he felt like he had a psychotic break or something. We made a plan that if it happened again, we would go to the hospital even though he doesn't have health insurance.
Well it's happening again right now. Only not as bad. He isn't in any psychotic state right now, just extremely angry and he's shut down. He won't talk to me and won't tell me if he wants to hurt himself. He broke his glasses and punched the desk. I'm completely terrified. I'm in over my head here and I don't know how to help him. I know he'd never hurt me, but he definitely has the capability of hurting himself.
I don't know what to do. I've gone over this in my head 1000 times and I'm lost. I don't think he's going to do anything immediately, but I also can't go to bed and leave him alone. On top of it all, we're completely broke. With just my income, the bills are barely getting paid. His parents might help but they'd hold it over his head until the end of time.
He desperately needs help. Can't go to the regular doctor because it's too severe for that but also can't hope for this to just go away on it's own. Sorry for writing a book here. If you read all of this, thanks.