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Perplexed

My 83 Yr old father is involved with a 30ish year old drug dealing hooker

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Hi.

I am perplexed and I really don't know where to go with this, but I do need to put this out there in hopes that somebody, anybody really, can help me to make sense of this situation that I have been dealing with for the past 5 years. Here goes....

My dad got involved with a prostitute 50 years younger than him while my mom was still alive. I became aware of this when my mom asked my daughters boyfriend what a blow job was. I took my dad for a drive and had a discussion with him about "Bambi" (not her real name). It seems that my mom and dad were having physical intimacy problems and his Bambi solution had been going on for a few years. My mom had early stages of dementia so it was difficult for me to determine how much of what she did tell me was accurate. Fast-forward through all of the confusion...

About a year into this situation my dad moved Bambi into the basement of my parents house. I was living in a different city at the time and had very limited knowledge about what was going on back home. My mom was tight-lipped about the whole situation because my dad warned her to not tell me about it. It seemed that they were having financial problems to the point where my mom was afraid they were going to lose their house and was frantically trying to borrow money from the rest of the family. In a phone conversation with my mom I overheard mom arguing with dad and then I heard Bambi in the background yelling at my mom. I asked my mom to put Bambi on the phone and told her that she had exactly 2 hours to get the fuck out of the house because I was on my way there and it would be in her best interest to be gone by the time I got there. When I got to my parents house she was not there and I packed up all of her stuff and put it out on the front porch. I also had a confrontation with my dad who promised that he would keep her away from the house. I find out that there are stolen items being stored in the house. I visit the police and find out that Bambi has a very thick record and is very well known along with the rest of her family. Fast-forward through all of the puzzle pieces...

About six months later, summer is coming up and I decide that I will spend the weekends throughout the summer at my parents house helping them out with things since they are getting older and may not be around for many more summers. The first weekend I am there I find out that all the bills and the mortgage are at least three months past due and the lawyers are getting ready to repossess the house. There is no money in the bank account and my mom's mental faculties are worse than I was led to believe. Emergency change of plans to - spending the week at my parents and going home on the weekends. To make a long story shorter I establish power of attorney over finances and health care, get them out of debt, save the house, clean up the mess and chase out the parasites who have been bleeding them dry. Meanwhile, I lose an 8 year relationship with a common-law spouse, along with the house I owned and move back into the city 'I hated and escaped from' and into my parents house as a caregiver, since I am an only child. I work on re-establishing myself in the city while Bambi is still floating in and out of the fringes of the picture, and my dad is lying like a cheap rug. November 11, 2014 my mom falls and breaks her hip; December 16, 2014 my dad throws me out of the house accusing me of wanting to take their house from them and put them in a home; My mom's health declines, she ends up in the hospital with no hope of recovery and dies on April 25, 2015. I end up back in the house only to be thrown out with police presence when dad brings Bambi home to live. Dad tells the police I'm not really his daughter because I was adopted. (I was adopted before I was born and mom and dad brought me home from the hospital at 5 days old and raised me. I met my birth parents when I was 18 years old and have maintained a long distance relationship with them. I call them by their first names.) After being tossed out yet again and denied as his daughter, I changed my last name legally and attempted to have nothing more to do with him. Fast-forward through all of the details, decision making, stress, anger, grief and loss...

So dad moved Bambi into the house and she brought all of her drug addicted and/or criminal friends. Dad tried calling me a few times but I wouldn't take his calls. A realtor called me a few months ago because he was selling the house and she wanted me to sit in on the offers because of his age. I found out the truth of the matter was that dad owed her some money because he had almost lost the house last year for not paying the mortgage, he didn't pay her back like he promised and now he had to sell because of financial difficulties. He had given her a big sob story about how he was a victim and his daughter (me) and family had cleaned him out. I refused to sit in on the offers since I wanted nothing to do with him and the people he was associating with. I gave her the reader's digest condensed version of what was going on and advised her to sell the house and take the money he owed her out of the proceeds of the sale.

Tuesday night I was minding my own business when I got a phone call from a detective who told me that my dad had been found unconscious at home after an apparent suicide attempt along with a note he wrote to me and that he was in the hospital under police guard to keep Bambi and her friends out. I went to the hospital and met the detective whom I gave a recorded statement to and confirmed the handwriting on the note. My dad was in a comatose state similar to the comatose state my feelings are in at the moment, and have been in for quite some time. Since I am the only one he has left I am compelled to once again pick up the crusade and clean up the mess. The closing date for the sale of the house is on the 11th. Dad has no money, no apartment to move in to and nowhere to put a house full of stuff. Bambi and her friends are still in the house and are trying to extort money from the real estate agent, refusing to move out until they get paid part of the proceeds from the sale of the house. Nothing is packed, my mom's ashes are in that house (if no one has tried to smoke them yet) and my dad is slowly coming out of his comatose state after taking 15 sleeping pills. I have banned visitors from the hospital, requested a psych evaluation and testing for hepatitis C since he has been in regular contact with needle users and prostitutes. If somebody had of told me 20 years ago that my 83 year old dad would run off with prostitutes, drug addicts and criminals 50 years younger than him I would have looked at them like they were from another planet. This was not the kind of environment I was raised in and this was not the man who raised me. It's been a regular shit show here and I am on auto-pilot in a uncomfortably numb state. I can't figure out what category this post should go in and I am perplexed.

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All of that sounds awful, Perplexed. Have you had an therapy for yourself, to help you cope?

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Welcome to CrazyBoards, Perplexed!

I too recommend therapy. That's got to be very upsetting.

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I am soo sorry you are dealing with all of this, that is terrible how he treated you.. but it also hard to see someone you care or once cared for struggle at the same time. 

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3 hours ago, Gearhead said:

All of that sounds awful, Perplexed. Have you had an therapy for yourself, to help you cope?

 

2 hours ago, jt07 said:

Welcome to CrazyBoards, Perplexed!

I too recommend therapy. That's got to be very upsetting.

 

2 hours ago, KnickNak said:

I am soo sorry you are dealing with all of this, that is terrible how he treated you.. but it also hard to see someone you care or once cared for struggle at the same time. 

Thank you for responding Gearhead, jt07 and KnickNak. No, I have not had therapy as of yet. The drama is still unfolding...

My dad was moved out of emergency into step down and now the hospital has moved him onto a regular floor. I spent the day contacting police and went into the house only to find that all of my mom's china, television sets, an expensive sectional and anything of value is gone. Bambi and friends are refusing to leave the house and I may have to contact the Sheriff on Monday - they will not be gone by the closing date. I met with the real estate agent and got a copy of the paperwork for the sale of the house as well as a copy of about 50 text messages Bambi had sent her today, looking for money and threatening to take my dad to court for various things, such as the gas being shut off due to non-payment of the bill. I went to a retirement residence open house this morning and brought back information to him at the hospital to set up a place for him to live (he was hesitant about going to live in a retirement residence but was willing to try it for a month since he has nowhere to go). I rented a u-haul truck and moved the dining room set, bedroom set and his clothes out. (I told him I would take of care of everything and he didn't need to worry about his things) I spoke with the neighbors who gave me a lot of information on what has been going on there. They have been using my dad's car (I asked the neighbors to contact me next time they take the car so I can call police and report it stolen). Drug deals are going on in the street in the middle of the night, people are coming and going from the house and while I was moving dad's bedroom furniture out I found a used needle under his bed and lots of porn c.d.'s.

While I was loading the truck Bambi and her boyfriend were calling dad at the hospital (since he now has a phone in his room) and constantly in my face about taking his stuff, saying dad didn't want me to take his stuff, he wasn't going to sell the house anymore, etc. Apparently Bambi went to see him in the hospital today and when I went there a few hours ago, all of the information I gave him concerning the retirement residence is gone. Dad was being evasive and almost hostile with me, like a completely different person from this morning. I told the nurse that I believed Bambi slipped him some drugs while she was there. The hospital staff can no longer keep them out. Bambi and boyfriend are hounding him - they want his money from the sale of the house. They want to get him into a motel room where they can slowly bleed him dry of the $140,000 he stands to clear from the sale of the house. I went to both of his banks today too, made sure nobody had access to his one account, and changed his pin number for his card at the other bank. I now have all of the important documents from his desk and my mom's ashes. Someone destroyed his copy of the power of attorney papers showing me as POA over finances and health care. Luckily I still have the originals. I think I may need to get my own lawyer...

I can't afford to feel right now because if I don't keep my feelings turned off for the moment, I won't be able to function and get things done that have to be done. I had to blow a shift at work tonight to get today's list done and I'm going to need to take some more days off. My son is getting married this weekend coming up and I've already taken time off for that. I have been going non-stop since his suicide attempt and as fast as I can get on top of an issue, it changes...I would at this point say I am slowly going crazy, but I'm not feeling much of anything other than auto-pilot.

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Sounds to me like your dad might have been trying to find "someone to fill the void" if he thought your mom was gonna pass soon. I know that sounds terrible, and I mean no harm in my words, but some people think that way. My grandmother whom passed away Sept. of last year, also suffered from Dementia, which is a very ugly and scary illness/disease to have since it leads to Alzheimer's. It could have been because of the lack of intimacy, like you said as well. Your mom may've not felt up to sexual activity, or if it was an ongoing affair may have no longer felt attractive to your father. There's basically a couple reasons why that could have happened.

I agree with the other users, please seek therapy. You could really benefit from it. 

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I am so sorry this is happening. One of my dearest friends went through something similar with her father and it was awful! I believe you are right to think about getting your own lawyer in addition to a good therapist .... You are fighting for what is right. xo

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@Perplexed Your latest post makes things a lot more clear to me. I agree with San. You need to document everything and the police are going to have to be involved. This is serious business because (I think) there are still laws on the books where the government can confiscate your home if drug dealing is going on there. Not saying that's going to happen in this case, but it is better to  have the police there on the ground floor rather than at some point in the future when this all blows up. Furthermore, Bambi is squatting on your father's property and is no doubt looking to assert rights as a squatter. Again, the police should be involved.

I still think that you need therapy sooner rather than later because constantly flying on autopilot will eventually lead to a crash. It takes time to find a good therapist, and it would be nice to have one a soft place to land once the stress starts to get to you.

I wish you well.

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1 hour ago, San said:

@Perplexed The actions you've taken in the post above are very smart and will definitely help. Document this. Every single time they do something, call the police. It will look good in court. They are trespassing on private property, to start. If they have slipped your father drugs, he needs to be tested immediately, because of interactions, and his condition. You could ask for one-to-one care, where security (he has done nothing wrong, the security team does this as part of their job, and they are very friendly) or an assigned nurse or aide is always within vision of your father. They generally converse if the patient wants to, or they practically make themselves invisible so the patient doesn't even know. Tell them no visitors. 

Stay strong, you are doing everything right, and legally. Just keep notifying the police. It's terrible you're going through this when he's sick. That's strength and love. I can't imagine the stress you're carrying.

Best wishes.

It would be good if you could get a restraining order against Bambi and her mob of deplorables.  Yes, you need a lawyer for sure.  I would start with an elder law attorney.

We had a situation with a low life insinuating himself into MIL's life and home.  Trying to get her to sign her house over to him. Being sexual with her.  We called the police and Adult Protective Services.  APS was very helpful.  We did move her and the bastard could no longer find her.  That helped.  Your dad is being abused by these grifters in my opinion.

You are dealing with a very painful and awful situation.  My thoughts are with you. Not to overwhelm you but the lawyer can help you with matters like when he 'spends down' if Medicaid will pay for Assisted Living in your state.  They both might benefit in assisted living, your mom for sure.

Good luck.  You are being very strong.  I know it is very rough. 

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On 6/4/2017 at 1:39 AM, ladyboss said:

Sounds to me like your dad might have been trying to find "someone to fill the void" if he thought your mom was gonna pass soon. I know that sounds terrible, and I mean no harm in my words, but some people think that way. My grandmother whom passed away Sept. of last year, also suffered from Dementia, which is a very ugly and scary illness/disease to have since it leads to Alzheimer's. It could have been because of the lack of intimacy, like you said as well. Your mom may've not felt up to sexual activity, or if it was an ongoing affair may have no longer felt attractive to your father. There's basically a couple reasons why that could have happened.

I agree with the other users, please seek therapy. You could really benefit from it. 

Thank you ladyboss. I take no harm from your words and I believe "someone to fill the void" is exactly why Bambi is in the picture. I do intend on seeking therapy but I just don't have the time to research and look around until after this crisis passes.

On 6/4/2017 at 10:28 AM, theforest said:

I am so sorry this is happening. One of my dearest friends went through something similar with her father and it was awful! I believe you are right to think about getting your own lawyer in addition to a good therapist .... You are fighting for what is right. xo

Thank you theforest. I placed a call in today for a consult with a lawyer who handles property law, elder law, estate law and criminal law.

22 hours ago, jt07 said:

@Perplexed Your latest post makes things a lot more clear to me. I agree with San. You need to document everything and the police are going to have to be involved. This is serious business because (I think) there are still laws on the books where the government can confiscate your home if drug dealing is going on there. Not saying that's going to happen in this case, but it is better to  have the police there on the ground floor rather than at some point in the future when this all blows up. Furthermore, Bambi is squatting on your father's property and is no doubt looking to assert rights as a squatter. Again, the police should be involved.

I still think that you need therapy sooner rather than later because constantly flying on autopilot will eventually lead to a crash. It takes time to find a good therapist, and it would be nice to have one a soft place to land once the stress starts to get to you.

I wish you well.

Thank you jt07. Part of posting here is a tremendous help in documenting what is going on. I made an appointment with the detective who originally called me to discuss the forgeries.

22 hours ago, bpladybug said:

It would be good if you could get a restraining order against Bambi and her mob of deplorables.  Yes, you need a lawyer for sure.  I would start with an elder law attorney.

We had a situation with a low life insinuating himself into MIL's life and home.  Trying to get her to sign her house over to him. Being sexual with her.  We called the police and Adult Protective Services.  APS was very helpful.  We did move her and the bastard could no longer find her.  That helped.  Your dad is being abused by these grifters in my opinion.

You are dealing with a very painful and awful situation.  My thoughts are with you. Not to overwhelm you but the lawyer can help you with matters like when he 'spends down' if Medicaid will pay for Assisted Living in your state.  They both might benefit in assisted living, your mom for sure.

Good luck.  You are being very strong.  I know it is very rough. 

Thank you bpladybug. I am in Canada and have a call in to a lawyer who handles elder law and most of the other types of legal issues I am dealing with in this situation. My mom is dead but my dad does receive a good monthly pension and can afford to move into a retirement residence, when he's not giving all of his money away to Bambi and friends. My being very strong is why I'm not jumping all over seeking a therapist at the moment. I'm afraid that when I allow all of my emotions to come spilling out that I will fall apart and be unable to function on the level that is required of me at the moment.

In 2013 I was diagnosed with panic disorder with agoraphobia. Prior to this crisis I was only leaving my apartment to go to work. Getting me out is a bit of a challenge. I am not on any meds because I have a sensitivity to meds and they cause all kinds of fun health effects/defects with my system. Functioning on auto pilot at the moment is what is getting me through the anxiety and panic attacks that come bubbling up. Right now I'm only attacking when I have to initiate an action and I lose my ability to concentrate and speak. You should see how long it's taken me to write these posts! lol. But that is a whole different track....

They are discharging my father from the hospital in the morning and a lot of things have developed. I have to go now to take care of some more things and I will post when I can.

 

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Good luck, hang in there.  I hate people who prey on the elderly.

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