xanathos

Will suicidal ideation ever subside?

18 posts in this topic

Many times a week I consider killing myself, even when I'm not depressed or upset. I've acknowledged that it's not that I want to die, I just don't want to live (there is a difference, I've learned)—yet I still consider suicide as my number one option. I can only wonder if this will ever go away. I legitimately make up plans in my head but never act them out. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been told that it does when the original reasons for wanting to die are resolved. Which for me I take to mean years and years of therapy for childhood trauma (yay... not).

However, I also figure that it's been there for close to two decades, and that because it started in childhood that's just how my brain is wired. It might always be there. It's a sign of how neglected I was.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I wonder the same thing about myself. Including whether I think about it now because of habit. I don't have any answers, just writing to say you aren't alone.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have the same issue, many times I think on dying because I don't like living and don't want to, even if I am not suffering.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

One thing I was told that may or may not help...if you can imagine a time before it existed, that means there's a time you experience afterward..'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mine has gotten better over the years.  I've had a resurgence over the last year or so for whatever reason, but for a while it was much less in the front of my mind.  So IDK, I think it can shift.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I had those thoughts everyday until I started clozaril after ECT

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/5/2017 at 8:16 PM, xanathos said:

Many times a week I consider killing myself, even when I'm not depressed or upset. I've acknowledged that it's not that I want to die, I just don't want to live (there is a difference, I've learned)—yet I still consider suicide as my number one option. I can only wonder if this will ever go away. I legitimately make up plans in my head but never act them out. 

You may have been experiencing two different facets of depression, namely the more typical type as opposed to the anhedonia type. They can seem to be light years apart, yet be more-or-less the same thing. 

And while I don't want to upset you, these things tend recur over and over again with MI. I'm bipolar, and I just go from one episode to the next. I always end up wanting to kill myself again. I imagine it's similar for those with MDD, just without the "up" periods. 

The fact that you only mentally process the idea is a good sign. When you start to actually act on things, it's a whole different bag of worms. Whether you succeed or fail to put your plan into action, the fallout is often extreme. You may think it's the answer, but it's not. I'm here 36 years after my first suicide attempt, and I'm glad I failed then and after. 

Things that have helped me along the way are: 1) changing my location; 2) changing relationships; 3) discovering what's REALLY important to me through meditation and introspective thought; 4) discarding negative habits for positive ones; and 5) discovering what I REALLY want vs. what most people THINK I should want. If there is one thing I've learned well, it's that you should never make life decisions based on the opinions of other people, no matter how close they are to you. I've known WAY too many people who have found nothing but misery by violating that rule. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/5/2017 at 11:16 PM, xanathos said:

Many times a week I consider killing myself, even when I'm not depressed or upset. I've acknowledged that it's not that I want to die, I just don't want to live (there is a difference, I've learned)—yet I still consider suicide as my number one option. I can only wonder if this will ever go away. I legitimately make up plans in my head but never act them out. 

I am going through this right now for the first time in my life. Its the med that is causing me to feel this way (depakote). Waiting for this side effect to pass since I started Depakote not that long ago. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think for me it did become a habit, though it didn't start that way. It got to where every time I felt anxious or had a disturbing thought my mind would just automatically think of suicide. Even when I wasn't depressed anymore I would think of suicide when I had a panic attack. I had to actually adjust to not being depressed, it had been so many years depressed that I didn't know how to think or act when not depressed. I was finally able to tell my husband I wasn't thinking of suicide several months after not being depressed anymore.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My pdoc says that I am chronically suicidal because of my personality disorder (BPD) as I haven't really been having a depressive episode from the schizoaffective. I think despite the fact SzA can be brutal, I think my BPD is way worse. At least my SzA is under control from my medication. I know I'll never recover fully from BPD but being in what I would consider remission from SzA, I think, in my heart, I know I probably can fully recover for a long time. (Well, que sera, sera). I hope that someday I can manage my BPD, I've done DBT 3 times. A lot of it I didn't find useful, but some core thimgs I try to practice. I probably should meditate more.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Best friend has BPD...it's hard to watch I can't imagine how hard it is to battle it 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It seems as though late at night when I can't sleep, the suicidal thinking is its most prominent.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That's when it's hardest/most frequent for me Too.  It hit me mlsf sf other points  but tbsfs the worst.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have suicidal thoughts constantly, even though mentally I'm in a much better place than I have been. It's more a sort of habit, but I don't know if that's the right word. Like a mental echo? I was suicidal for so long my brain just doesn't understand yet how not to be suicidal. The intent behind them has definitely subsided, I don't even pay attention to them, they crop up like intrusive thoughts. Like @WinterRosie says I think a lot of it is getting to the core of why it's there. For me at least there were a lot of reasons, some of the more obvious I've been talking about and working on a lot in therapy which has helped. BPD is strange, just when I think I've understood it it changes or twists in some new way :/ 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My mother took her own life when I was 4. I used to frequently be suicidal but once I got past the age she was when she did it the suicidal thought pretty much went away.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

For me, I do not believe it will ever go away completely.  For me, it waxes and wanes.  But now that I've accepted that fact, and no longer fight against it, it does not have the same power over me. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I learned that suicide for me is a way out and a sign that I'm overwhelmed. I don't necessarily want to die, I just want to escape. This is what therapy taught me. I totally understand Girl, Interrupted where she says, "...miss the train, kill yourself,..." Because it's such an automatic thought that I'm so numb to what suicide entails. I throw it around like it is nothing. I don't want to die I just don't want to live which are two different things.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now