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Both. When I get the chance, I am drinking. Other times, I am sneaking out with one of my friends to do something or another.

 

And when I am doing neither, I am crying in a corner or screaming at a phone that is only ringing to myself.

 

Without the first, I am doing the other. And the same goes even for when I am out, even if the screaming is internal.

 

I used to have a grip on things, but I found the less social I got, the more illness got in the way of my everyday life. But, addiction is an illness, so maybe it's just illness for me.

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When I am stable, addiction rules my life, especially Xanax. But when I am not stable, my bipolar takes over and reeks havoc on my life. I am more stable that not, so I would say addiction to Xanax rules my life (not rules but plays .a large part). I tried stopping twice but had a seizure both times and was hospitalized. Like tonight I took 10mg Xanax and barely felt it, along with 2 beers, I am beginning to think it's a waste to take excessive doses especially when I get no recreational effect from them. I need someone to control my Xanax supply so I only take what is prescribed to me (1mg twice daily) and nothing more.

This high tolerance to Xanax and Valium is killing me, but maybe it's a sign that I need to take a break and take lower doses for a month or so, but I heard benzo tolerance is a bitch and takes a while to go down :wtf:I was dependent on marijuana but have since been 2 weeks clean so yaaaay for that. Other than that, I need to work on not taking 10mg Xanax just to feel good and taking my prescribed dose, since high doses do nothing for me anyway unless combined with Long Island Iced teas :shame:

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