Kona

What is this?

4 posts in this topic

I'm going to post this here since my primary dx is bpd.

ive identified that I seem to have two personalities. The me that's there most of the time and is generally okay with things, trying to make other people smile, demure and extremely anxious but generally a nice person.

then there's the Me who is pissed, angry at the past, angry at others, angry at myself. This comes out when I self injure or have attempted suicide in the past. I feel like anything small triggers this change depending on the environment, could be as small as a butterfly beating it's wings. I do drugs, drink in excess, have sex when I don't want to etc. I generally become a self destructive monster.

what is this in psychiatric terms? Is this splitting?

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I believe splitting is generally a term used to describe how you relate to other people. Similar to black and white thinking. So lets say you have a friend, T. Splitting would be feeling extremely happy with T, but suddenly (and possibly for no reason) becoming very annoyed or angry at T. So switching back and forth between positive and negative feelings for arbitrary reasons.

This is in no way professional advice, but I remember hearing a theory that dissociative and personality disorders can be similar in the sense that they have a fragmented sense of self. So rather than having a cohesive personality that is flexible enough to accommodate for changes in mood, instead we can feel like we've turned into a different person. The challenge is to try and recognise that these are all parts of you, but that obviously self destructive or harmful states of mind need to be addressed and helped in order to just make life better. I'm sure this preaching to the choir, but therapy is good way to start this. TBH better to talk to an actual expert about this, but I feel your pain.

Another non-professional but lived experience piece of advice is that I've found a strong link between anxiety and anger. I think I try to justify my anxiety as meekness or a kind of positive trait, in that it makes me quieter or less obnoxious or more helpful. But it also means people trample all over me, sometimes by choice, but often because I don't clearly express that someone has hurt me or is putting too much pressure on me. So naturally there comes a breaking point where the anger I feel at myself and others overcomes my anxious desire to please and I flip out. IDK might be worth considering? 

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7 hours ago, ananke said:

This is in no way professional advice, but I remember hearing a theory that dissociative and personality disorders can be similar in the sense that they have a fragmented sense of self.

"The fragmented sense of self" is something that tugs on a memory from 2002. I was 39 years old and I had just finished having an EMDR  session.  Up until that point I had been living under the false memory that I had not been abused as a child, sexually.  I knew that I had been physically and mentally and emotionally abuse, but I would bet the farm that I hadn't been abused sexually. Apparently when the flashes started coming back and I realized what was happening during the session it felt like that all of my inside organs were being pulled through my back (I was laying down) and I couldn't breathe. The psychotherapist said that I had a dissociative disorder, which meant  that parts of myself had fragmented off so I could cover in or fill up all the nasty bits of memory and forget about it for 39 years.

split wasn't a term being used at the time. But that's just my experience which of course is very limited.

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Hi Kona - 

Hard to know for sure - sounds complicated and distressing!  Some people who work in trauma consider BPD to be a trauma-spectrum disorder alongside PTSD, complex PTSD, and the dissociative disorders, and conceptualize them on a spectrum of dissociation, and dissociation is a symptom both of PTSD (especially from prolonged or childhood abuse) and BPD.  Not uncommon for BPD to come along with dysregulation in identity in the way that you describe - it seems to fall into the realm of dissociative symptoms/defences that come along with the whole complex trauma picture.

I feel like sometimes anxious traumatized people (I am also anxious) suppress a ton of anger or whatever due to being afraid to offend people and then it sometimes just blows out in a way that feels totally foreign.  I've had that experience myself.

Edited by tryp

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