I used this site over a decade ago during my first bad episode of OCD and found it really helpful at the time. My OCD was pretty under control for five years and then I had a baby this past June. Postpartum OCD was on my radar due to my history and also because I had four major life stresses/traumas in the two years leading up to the birth of my baby. The first two months with my baby were pretty good - some mild intrusive thoughts but I was able to cope with them. I was so happy, thinking I'd escaped PPD or PPOCD!
Then a majorly overwhelming occurrence happened. And suddenly I was catastrophizing about it and things spiraled from there. Over the past few weeks, I started having intrusive thoughts and images about doing bad things. Like many OCD'rs my first course of action was to use logic and I thought 'I've never done anything like that so why would I now?' Of course, that didn't work. I started questioning whether I had done something like that in the past but just didn't remember. Things then got worse. I had an image of me doing something and thought 'was that a memory?' Then I started wondering 'did I question if that was a memory or did I just know it was a memory?' I tried doing some exposure and saying "Okay I did that" and "I know I did that" to myself (not cuz I thought I did it but because I knew I shouldn't fight it). It kinda helped. Then yesterday I had a disturbing image (I'm not even entirely sure what the image was, I just know it upset me) and I immediately thought 'I do remember that' and then started getting really anxious and wondering 'why did I think that? Is that really a memory or is it OCD?' Now I'm wondering if that was a memory and I'm in denial and using OCD as an excuse. At my core, I think this is my OCD but I'm not sure. I'm so scared. Why would I even think 'I do remember that,' if it wasn't actually a memory? But I also know it seems like an OCD thought, especially since I started obsessing a few days ago about whether I had thought "I know I did that" so it makes sense my OCD would then change from "what if" to "that happened." But maybe I'm wrong. My OCD has been really bad in the past. I once was scared of becoming psychotic and told myself I wasn't hallucinating so I couldn't be psychotic. Then I started feeling what felt like raindrops on me when I was inside and was concerned that meant I was experiencing psychosis. (I wasn't!). This was eleven years ago and I only give it as an example of how bad things can get. I'm scared to even write this. I'm so scared someone will think I actually did something bad. Then I'm scared I did do something bad because why else would I have thought 'I remember that.' But I also really don't think it was actually a memory. I don't really believe I did this thing I'm scared of having done. I don't think I have the stomach to actually do it and I don't know why I would do it. I have so many conflicting thoughts, it just doesn't make sense. Does this seem in the realm of OCD? Does anyone else's OCD take on this form? I'm so terrified and I feel so alone right now. I want to be a good mom to my baby but I'm so anxious. I just want to be the happy mom I was for two months and enjoy my baby again. Right now, I just feel "crazy."
By Bimbo Bear
So, I don't know if I've talked about this on the boards before, but I have something known as OSDD-1b. That's a diagnosis that is similar to Dissociative Identity Disorder, except that I don't have amnesia when I switch between different alters, or parts as I call them. Anyways, this is not about my OSDD-1b diagnosis, but rather about a part that I have who happens to have the worst case of OCD that I have ever had the displeasure of experiencing.
The part that I'm going to be talking about is a part that feels a very strong connection to Christianity. Basically, with her, I discovered something that's very depressing. I am a woman of color. That's something that I've learned to become proud of over the years, but when I was a kid, I remember thinking that I was ugly because I wasn't lighter skinned and didn't look "white". It took a lot of years to undo that kind of thinking, but now that I got to know my Christian part a little bit more, it looks like she took the message that I was ugly and ran with it. According to her, I am ugly because I am not white and don't have blonde hair or even maybe orange hair, and that is absolutely heartbreaking. And what's worse is I'm actually looking at myself in the mirror and wondering if maybe she's right? Again, it took so long for me to overcome this kind of thinking, but maybe she's an indicator that I never fully got over thinking that way? If I listen to her for too long, I realize that I start to internalize those toxic messages again. So that's not good.
Another thing that I've realized is that the Christian part that I have is incredibly obsessed with being "good enough" to get into Heaven. And, according to her, she will never be good enough to get into Heaven, no matter how hard she tries. So the fact that she keeps trying to convert everyone of my personality parts is kind of pointless since it won't bring her any peace. Logically, she kind of gets that, but she keeps trying anyways. And the thing is, when we indulge her or even entertain the idea that we might become Christian, she then gets incredibly scrupulous when it comes to her worship. That is to say, she has to follow everything to the T with no exceptions. Otherwise, that means she's a bad person, soiled, dirty, or defective in some way. And people who are spiritually defective don't belong in Heaven, at least according to her disordered way of thinking.
I think she is plagued by these thoughts to a point where it's unhealthy and she needs help. But how would I even begin to help her? Talking sense into her does nothing except make her defensive, if she listens at all and doesn't simply tune out my voice. I feel bad for her, but I also feel pretty bad for myself too. You don't know how much her thinking messes with me. It's incredibly toxic and destructive. And I just hope this doesn't set me back miles in my recovery process.
And before I end this post, I want to say that I don't think Christianity is a bad religion or only for white people or anything like that. In fact, I think Christianity is a beautiful religion and one that I might have considered joining if it worked for me and if it weren't for the massive level of OCD that this part of me happens to have surrounding this particular religion.
During my recent internet meanderings, reading about neurotransmitters & such, I came across the interesting symptom called "Memory Torture." Is anyone here familiar with this?
No, it's not like PTSD due to actual torture or abuse... It is quite similar to OCD (the obsessional part). The theory is that inadequate Serotonin leads the person to constantly dwell on every little (or big) moment in life in which emotional pain was experienced. I do this very often, for hours at a time. Memories of something bad that happened to me, and exact words that were exchanged, from the time I was in grade school up to the present, run through my mind. I relive the humiliation, frustration, embarrassment, fear, pain, anger, guilt, and feelings of helplessness. My brain intensifies the feelings and relives them in great detail.
Note, this is not the same as "PTSD" as the difference is, many of these "bad moments" can often be accumulative layered memories of very neutral / benign things that wouldn't cause most people to even remember at all (example: small critical remark a friend made decades ago, reliving disappointment over past employment because you hear something on the news that talks about a city where your former supervisor worked.) Does anyone relate?
By Alexander search
Ive had to come off SSRI's/SNRIs due to very bad paraesthesia. I toughed it out for years but cant hack it anymore. Im on pregabalin 450mg, diazepem 10mg and recently started Reboxetine which whilst helping me feel like getting out of bed isnt touching the intrusive thoughts or the irritability and anger. The pregab and Diazepam combined with CBT and some Stoicism keep the anger and irritability at just about bearable. Anyone got any ideas for off label stuff i could suggest to the Psych? Is it possible that 25 years of SSRIs have made it so that any drug that touches serotonin is going to give me paraesthesia?
I'm a 43 yo guy who's been severely depressed since I was 19 and I'm amazed I'm still alive. Antidepressants (and there's very few I haven't tried, including the popular combos) either do nothing, make me more depressed or help partially for a few weeks and then poop-out. I've never had mania/hypomania (other than a period on Abilify).
After my stay at an inpatient psych ward in February, a young PDoc added Lithium to my Nardil (which, incidentally has been my most successful med to date but now does nothing) on the hunch that I might be BP2-ish. Whilst I can't say I went "WOO I'M FIXED", the Lithium certainly had a positive effect for a couple of months. Which has since just waned and stopped. So now I'm desperately depressed again.
I'm seeing my PDoc soon to discuss alternative BP2 treatments. Top of my list of suggestions (since he is malleable in his dispensing) is Lamictal. But should it be? I read a lot of positive feedback on it's effect on depression but the data says it's poor. Should I perhaps be aiming towards an alternative? There are so many it's quite bewildering and I'm relatively new to the BP2 scenario.
Any tips are most appreciated.