3 posts in this topic
Recently, I have been overcome with periods of intense sadness. Out of nowhere, I will experience crying and feeling completely overwhelmed to the point it sometimes takes an hour to get over it. This is a problem, especially when I am at work or in public. Any kind of slightly emotional thought seems to trigger it. I feel like I am always at the edge of bawling. Here is some background: In the past year, my adult son (23) nearly died in an auto accident, fully recovered, then had a massive stroke last month, fully recovered again, but has a couple more surgeries to go. In the meantime, my marriage with his step-dad has deteriorated quickly due to his unemployment and subsequent bankruptcy. Now I know this seems like a "Duh", but I am not a person who "does" emotions well. I am pretty much of a suck it up type. My meds have been working great this past year and got me out of a multi-year depression, but now I am really irritable and some symptoms of my mania are coming back (high libido, racing thoughts, lack of concentration). Going to start talk therapy again soon and have an appointment with med doc, but what do I call this what I am experiencing? Sadness Attack is the best I can come up with. Anybody else experience this kind of thing?
I've not really been on in awhile. So, some things have changed though.
I finally stopped accusing my boyfriend of cheating on me. Literally, one day I just told myself I was going to stop. And I did. When I would begin to worry, I would ask myself if he was actually at work late (and if I didn't believe myself, I'd call. If he didn't answer his cell, he was at work. If I needed more assurance. I called his work, which they don't really care if I just ask if he's about to leave.) He's even given me his time cards (they bring them home everyday.) And he made a good point, he goes to work, and comes straight home, everyday. When one of us leaves, we say where we're going. (if we're fighting I sometimes leave without a word.)
But, in a recent counseling appt. my counselor even pointed out that my old insecurities are filling with new ones. The "not being good enough" one is harping on me like fucking crazy and it's annoying, really.
Things have also felt weird because the other day, I almost was done for good. I called my dad to get me, we packed my stuff, and we left. But, I wasn't gonna get to see my boyfriend like normal. My dad told me, it was him or my boyfriend. I chose my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend. Lately though, he's been nagging at me over stupid shit. Like, the air conditioner for example. He wants it on 70 and auto, and I want it on 68 and high. Well, the compromise was 68 and auto, even though it makes him cold sometimes still. We have a window unit in our motel room. I always say, "I don't wanna fight/argue." He doesn't realize when he's nagging/harping on me, sometimes. And the reason because of lack of nicotine needs to stop, IMO. He plans to stop smoking SOON, so yeah. There are times I'll say, "you're nicing (lack of nicotine), and need to calm down." and he normally apologizes and calms down. His insurance has finally kicked in. He's still agreed to get on medication, at least try. He doesn't want to, but he said he would for me. We plan to set him up with my PNP and he's already made an appt. with my counselor (to go alone of course and work on himself.) He likes my counselor, which is understandable, he wants someone he's comfortable with. I'm also not forcing him to see these people, it just happens a lot of them take his insurance. (including my dentist.) But, after me packing up and leaving, then coming back like 15 minutes later things have felt....weird? We went to a counseling appt. that night, we were going to Friday, this happened all this week too no less.
With me still forgetting to take my meds, and taking myself off of lamictal ENTIRELY, I'm kind of wonky. I had a bad breakdown the day I tried to leave, when I came home. To the point of suicidal tendency because my dad disowned me....again.
My anxiety has crept up into my head again, telling me I need to leave my boyfriend. In my heart and my head I know I love him, and I'm pretty sure he loves me. Although, last night was sort of weird? I was laying next to him in bed, getting ready to go to sleep. He pulled up his messenger app and quickly closed out of it when he realized I was watching him, I guess? I asked, "what was that about?" and he says, "I accidentally opened my messenger. Trying to look at my facebook feed." I just said oh. I asked him about it again, and he said the same thing just a little irritated. He then went into his contacts, and I was trying to go to sleep again. I opened my eyes, again. He was looking for someone. I asked who he was looking for, his initial response was "I don't know." so I asked again, and asked why he was in his contacts. He stated he was looking for the contact info of an admin who's on a website he uses, because he forgot his password and wanted to get on there on his phone. I just realized though, like ten minutes ago, he uses that website on this laptop. (we share his computer). His login is saved into the browser, I'm sure. He never remembers passwords to a lot of things, really. We both have our own accounts on the laptop, password protected. I'm just worried he's cheating on me online. When I brought that up, he's like, "who would do that? what's the point?" I said, "well some people end up meeting and stuff...." he just said, "that's still stupid. there's no point." I guess he didn't realize you can talk to someone online who does live in the same city? I don't know. I ask to see his phone, and he hands me it. He'll ask why sometimes, and if I straight up say to go through it, he hands it over. I knew his password to his old phone, the last four of his social. (Which I also know because of gov't. assistance and helping him apply for his insurance.) Granted, he doesn't like me snooping through his things. I don't think he even has a lock on the new phone? We just got new phones Thursday. If I ask who he's talking to, on the phone, or text, or Facebook he usually tells me. If I ask how he knows them, if they have a past, etc. he tells me. My insecurities have crept in telling me I'm not good enough. I compare myself to other girls he thinks are cute. I compare myself to the fact he prefers Latina and Japanse/Asian/Chinese women over white women. (I'm a white female.) I compare myself to the women he watches in porn. I always compare myself. It's weird. I'm comfortable in my skin, with my size, etc. I think I'm about average in the face? My self esteem fluctuates though. Am I being totally unrealistic or do I have reason to worry? Might I also add, once my phone broke I seized the computer to get on my social network accounts. I'm on it more than him, really. When I think about it. If he's up later than me on his phone, I hear him playing games (or watching porn to get off so he can sleep, if I've said I'm not in the mood). Any time I compare myself, or bring myself down, he says, "hey that's the woman I love you're talking about." or that "you're beautiful, more beautiful than any porn star, or girl I think is cute...because I LOVE you. Not them."
I hate the fact that he's pretty much everything I want in a man. His charm. His looks. his personality. All of it. I know though, too that MI relationships tend to take more work. I'm trying to give the nagging thing a chance until he starts therapy and medications. I mean, he did say I really don't wanna take meds but I will for you, if you want us to try it. I appreciate that, a lot. I just feel like an insecure ugly potato.
Wanted to post this topic for a LONG time. Started dating again after almost 30 years a few months ago.
My experiences have been all over the map. AMazing, indifferent, awful and confusing.
Right now, after a second date with the first man MY age, I don't feel any.....spark. Physical affection? A desire to rip his clothes off?
What am I supposed to feel? He is NICE, CUTE, LIKES ME, FUN, but I wanted to leave after a couple of hours of dinner.
He is very safe and relaxed, Laid back which is great for me. Seems sharp and into life, independent.
BUT....whenever I talk about myself, he listens, and then comes back with another similar story either about himself or a friend. HE is not narcissistic, or self centered. But seems indifferent to ME. I know he is physically attracted to me and has been VERY VERY good about boundaries. WHich is rare for these guys on tinder. And my body does not react in fear to his. It is just...indifferent. I like his hands. He has a kind face.
I want to tell him. If I continue, then....that is a kind of sort of commitment. I gave it a second date after deciding no, there was no spark. And now, there is still no spark. Which makes me sad. And makes me want to give it another chance.
This dating stuff is SO FUCKING RANDOM. I want to meet Prince Charming or the frog, my John Galt, my Jaime Frasier, my John Lennon. or the local pet shop boy as long as he loves me for who I am and is into my mind, body and soul. Is that asking too much? lol
What about you?
By It's that manic dance
A little background: I was in a long term relationship with the father of my children for 10 years. He knew about my bipolar and stuck by my side through ups and downs....until I had a severe manic episode with psychosis.
I've been single for 3.5 years now and I am kinda avoiding the dating scene because of my bipolar.
Who dates? How do you approach the subject of having a mental illness? Should I just settle into spinsterhood?