Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I am a 26 year old female. I have a long history of OCD, major depressive disorder, chronic suicidal thoughts, eating disorder, trichotillomania, and social anxiety. I grew up in an upper-middle class home and my mother treated me terribly in regards to my disorders- very judgmental, not supportive, etc. Growing up, she would say things like "Just get a knife and stab me!" or "If you girls want me to kill myself, I'll do it." She is very dramatic, unpredictable, and unstable. When I was 24 years old I found her in the basement standing on a chair with a rope around her neck and the rope was tied/screwed to the ceiling. I got her down and later she took a hammer and smashed boxes. It was all terrible.

I had already been suicidal on a daily basis for 8 months straight so this experience was especially damaging to my already vulnerable mental state. Two weeks later I tried to kill myself and was in the ICU and then psych unit. I later moved out, was in a residential treatment facility, lived on my own, worked, but left my job after becoming very suicidal and clinically depressed. After waiting for months I was approved for SSI and determined to be disabled due to my mental health conditions.

My question is: How do I deal with my mother? I have only had about 5 nightmares from it. However, I have daily or hourly intrusive memories of this day. Is this PTSD-related or more obsessional thinking? My mom still wants to be a part of my life. However, every text I get, I want to throw the phone across the room. My muscles tense and anxiety comes back every time she contacts me. I want absolutely no contact with her. It is excruciating and torturous to be contacted by someone who caused you trauma. She feels it is unfair of me to distance myself from her. I can no longer fake a relationship with her. It is eating away at me. I also can't wear necklaces or anything tight around my neck. I think about my mom hanging when I see shirts that have that cross-back in the front or are tight near the neck. I can't completely distance myself from her because my parents are still married and I still want to see my dad. Also, I am partially financially supported by my parents. Lastly, I am terrified that if I 100% cut myself off from my mom, she will kill herself. This is a very real possibility, especially since I saw her with a rope around her neck,

I recently started seeing a CBT therapist (for social anxiety and hair pulling) but I cannot get the words out about this experience. I am at a loss. Any insight is greatly appreciated. 

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Children are really vulnerable and you were faced with the potential death of your mother and felt responsible for preventing it.  That sounds to me like emotional abuse and would be worth talking to your therapist about.

Could you copy and paste this post and get them to read it? 

  • Like 1

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've found it very helpful to show my therapist things that I've written; I'd also encourage you to show this post to your care provider.

No one here is qualified to tell you whether or not this is ptsd but emotional connections doesn't make it any easier to navigate this sort of situation. More the opposite, in fact. Something that I noticed with my own therapist was that she encouraged me to find people to reach out to, and it was difficult for her to accept that my mother wasn't a safe person without my pointing to reasons why that was. Once I was able to mention some of the reasons that my mother is emotionally unsafe for me, therapy became easier since I felt less pressure to reach out to people that I knew that I shouldn't reach out to. So your therapist deserves to know what's going on, and the level of 'unsafety' that you're dealing with.

Also, something that's really tripped me up in the past was that it's impossible to get a diagnosis of ptsd without mentioning the trauma. Because that's my primary diagnosis it meant that I went a very long time with no one able to say what was happening for me.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now