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Asha

Is this really my life? *trigger*

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Ahh!  I haven’t graced the boards in a while!  Life was great.  Now it sucks again. I have been focused on really working on myself for the last year, and relationships with other people.  You know, I was getting a lot better.  It doesn’t take much to knock me off the rails, though. My grandfather passed away...  my step dad told me not to come to the funeral bc there would be conflict with me and my mom.  It seems that for the last week or 2 I’ve done nothing but throw myself a pity party, and question everything.

 

why did my parents have to divorce.

why was I abused by my step dad as a child.

why didn’t my mom do anything about it? 

why did my step mom make sure to let me know that I was not her daughter and she would never treat me like I was.

why didn’t my dad do anything about it?

Why did I get pregnant at 19

why have I struggled for 14 years in my marriage.

why can’t I seem to make a residual income, but I work my ass off.

Why is my husband so lazy, and could give a shit about anyone but himself.

whybis my house always a mess!!!!  

And finally.  Why am I bi polar.

 

I’m big in my faith.  I know some are not, and I respect that.  But I feel like it is all I have.  But why?  Why was I handed this shit ass life???  I ask that question a lot! What did I do to deserve this?  Is this it for me??   Maintaining a relationship with my shitty parents?  Maintaining a relationship with my shitty husband?  Taking pills every day so that I don’t blow off the handle at someone? 

 

I know that I need my meds adjusted!  It just pisses me off so much that my feelings don’t ever seem to be justified because I’m “bi polar” and I’m not allowed to have real feelings?  If I’m angry.  It’s bc I’m bi polar.  If I cry.  It’s because I’m bi polar.  If I’m happy.  It’s because I’m bi polar.  

 

I hate that this feels like a sentence im dealing with y’all.  If you do pray.  I sure could use some.  Thank you for letting me vent! 

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If anything, "being bipolar" makes your feels even more real since emotions on this way of being seem to become much stronger, to the point that "drives us crazy". If you are a person of faith, you probably acknowledge that there is something in life that is always beyond our comprehension, life is irrational. The problems you are facing are bad enough to add the painful and pointless exercise to try to make sense of something irrational. This probably sounds like a bunch of BS but at least in my experience, when I catch myself trying to make sense of the hell this can be sometimes, when I stop doing it, everything becomes paradoxically clearer.

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On 9/21/2017 at 11:30 PM, bestdisplayname said:

If anything, "being bipolar" makes your feels even more real since emotions on this way of being seem to become much stronger, to the point that "drives us crazy". If you are a person of faith, you probably acknowledge that there is something in life that is always beyond our comprehension, life is irrational. The problems you are facing are bad enough to add the painful and pointless exercise to try to make sense of something irrational. This probably sounds like a bunch of BS but at least in my experience, when I catch myself trying to make sense of the hell this can be sometimes, when I stop doing it, everything becomes paradoxically clearer.

I want you to know that this entire response has resonated with me for the past few weeks.  You are so right!  This is everything I needed to hear to accept the damn title.  Our emotions are exaggerated.  I have been able to open up to to my husband more.  And my Dr. too about getting on a D med ;) It was definitely needed.  I've also been able to open up to my friends.  They were mad that I fought it all alone for so long, and that they had an inkling.  But they just thought I got angry easily.  I'm still not on the mend with my mom and step dad, but I could give 2 shits about that.  I'm all about quality of life right now.  

I wish I could hug you. Thank you for this!

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