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Wonderful.Cheese

Triggered by other's SI and their strength/being brave

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So a woman in my CBT group cut herself and had stitches on the beginning of her wrist so it was very visible. 

I am terribly triggered. I used to scratch mostly but at times I lightly cut. Never needed stitches though. 

What is wrong with me? I feel bad for her. This is wrong. 

But now I want to cut myself deep. Or OD. I just picked up my meds box. I want to hurt myself somehow. I deserve it. Yet I'm always acting positively and chipper around everyone no matter what. They'd be shocked to know how low I get.

Maybe I'm jealous that she is brave enough to do something about it? I'm always such a chicken. I am an awful person for feeling this way I know. I'm sorry.

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Self-harm can be like that. I won't speak for anyone but myself, but for me, self-harm is an attempt to care for myself emotionally, however backward it is. I used to become oddly invested in its severity, because inadequacy and shame were a major part of my emotional experience. My self-harm had to be "bad enough." I got jealous of people who were "worse" than I was. 

You having a reaction to her experience doesn't have anything to do with her. Your thoughts alone aren't shameful or wrong. It would have been bad of you to sabotage her, or to be cruel out of jealousy, but you didn't. 

You already know it would be misguided to let your upset lead you to self-harm, and you're right (though I think you would be wronging yourself, and not her). Writing a thread was a better idea. There are different kinds of bravery; struggling against self-destruction takes some in its own right. 

Edited by Báleygr

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2 hours ago, Báleygr said:

Self-harm can be like that. I won't speak for anyone but myself, but for me, self-harm is an attempt to care for myself emotionally, however backward it is. I used to become oddly invested in its severity, because inadequacy and shame were a major part of my emotional experience. My self-harm had to be "bad enough." I got jealous of people who were "worse" than I was. 

You having a reaction to her experience doesn't have anything to do with her. Your thoughts alone aren't shameful or wrong. It would have been bad of you to sabotage her, or to be cruel out of jealousy, but you didn't. 

You already know it would be misguided to let your upset lead you to self-harm, and you're right (though I think you would be wronging yourself, and not her). Writing a thread was a better idea. There are different kinds of bravery; struggling against self-destruction takes some in its own right. 

Thank you. I am sorry. I am feeling quite stupid for even writing this. Honestly I don't even self harm really at all. Not regularly at all...it was just something I tried briefly in the past when I was much younger. I don't belong to post here. I don't know why I was so triggered by her cut. 

Like I said maybe I was jealous that she actually did something about the pain while I just lie in bed doing nothing but feel awful and cry. I am too chicken nowadays to try anything serious. I know that sounds messed up. I'm sorry. 

What you say is right and true. I just can't wrap my head around it. I'm sorry. 

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I hope I didn't make you feel bad. That wasn't my intent, and I am sincerely sorry if I did. I meant to give you some reassurance and comfort. You didn't do anything wrong. 

I don't think what you've said sounds messed up. I've thought similar thoughts myself, at times. It sounds like you feel unwell and sad, and could use some positive reinforcement. 

What you're struggling with is a legitimate problem, even if you never act on the impulse. I meant to say that I thought you did the right thing, writing here instead of taking your unhappiness out on yourself. 

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14 hours ago, Báleygr said:

I hope I didn't make you feel bad. That wasn't my intent, and I am sincerely sorry if I did. I meant to give you some reassurance and comfort. You didn't do anything wrong. 

I don't think what you've said sounds messed up. I've thought similar thoughts myself, at times. It sounds like you feel unwell and sad, and could use some positive reinforcement. 

What you're struggling with is a legitimate problem, even if you never act on the impulse. I meant to say that I thought you did the right thing, writing here instead of taking your unhappiness out on yourself. 

No you did not make me feel bad at all! Quite the opposite actually! Thank you so much for taking the time to listen and respond to me. That made me feel less crazy and less alone. Plus your words were very wise and kind. So thank you. I'm sorry if I made you feel like your post was not good. Because that's not what I intended! Your post was very good. <3

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I won't worry, then. Thank you. Text conversations are sticky at times. 

How are you now? I don't know what time zone you're in, but sleep can be a powerful regulator. Have you had a chance to rest on it?

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