deckpoop

Seven years of torment.

16 posts in this topic

I was the victim of cruel treatment by everyone around me for a period of seven years. With nobody to talk to about it. No one on my side. No one who understood. Something happened today which brought back all the toxic horrible feelings. The nightmare ended six years ago but it all just came flooding back. Now it is 3 am and it feels like i will never get to sleep.

How am i ever going to make these horrible feelings go away?

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I dont see my therapist until Moday. But I was wondring about trying to seak to her today. I dont know if this is acceptable thing or not.

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It sounds reasonable to me.  You could call and see if you can get in earlier or maybe have a phone session. 

In my experience it has taken a long time to get to the point where I feel like the anxiety that arises from my past experiences is not so overwhelming.  Things that I have done/do: therapy,antidepressants, exercise, talk to friends,etc. It is a process and it sounds like you are working at it. It is hard as hell. Hang in there! 

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Thanks amskray. I appreciate it. I could go for a swim later for some excercise. Unfortunately i dont have friends, only a few old friends i never see. But i did manage to talk on the phone with my therapist. I kind of ranted for about five minutes. My therapist is so good like that, she encourages me to be more authentic rather than pretending everything is OK:

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:) Exercise can be great for us!

I didn't have any friends where I live either and thought I never would but now I do. You never know what can happen! 

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That is nice. My therapist wants me to go out and meet people more.

Today i drank a lot. PRobably not the best idea :-/ I have been alternating between feelings of anger and self reproach. Were they to bolame or was I? With me it is allor nothing. It just hurt so much to run up against a wall of people denying my reality. Saying that reminds me of the song "golden void".

MAybe i should n0t have come off the meds. I just hate them so much.

My career and future is rapidly disppearing. I have no ability to withstand interaction with other people. I feel doomed and cursed.

 

 

 

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Posted (edited)

.

Edited by deckpoop
tmi

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Posted (edited)

14 hours ago, deckpoop said:

With me it is allor nothing. It just hurt so much to run up against a wall of people denying my reality. Saying that reminds me of the song "golden void".

I feel doomed and cursed.

If it helps to know: I feel the same. Thank you for the great song. 

 

Golden Void speaks to me
Denying my reality
Lose my body, lose my mind,
Flow like wind, flow like wine
Down a corridor of flame
Will I fly so high again
Is there something wrong with me
I cannot hear, I cannot see

Down a corridor of flame
Down a corridor of flame
Down a corridor of flame
Down a corridor of flame

So you think the time is past,
The life you lead will always last
Chaotic fusion's of your soul,
Down below that rocky knoll
Through the clouds an open sky,
The wind flows through your watering eyes
The sounds are pitched to draw you
On your never ending journey
On The edge of time,
The edge of time
The edge of time...

Edited by Mogli

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Hello Mogli. It is a good song isnt it. Funny to see the words written, I had a lot of lyrics wrong in my head.

 

 

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1 hour ago, deckpoop said:

Hello Mogli. It is a good song isnt it. Funny to see the words written, I had a lot of lyrics wrong in my head.

Well, you could always be right and the internet could be wrong :-)

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True.

Talking of the internet, I am currently in the middle of a debate on another forum (actually a politics forum) about issues related to said seven years of torment. And I said one or two angry things and everybody was attacking me. I am really struggling with having something which caused me incredible suffering raked over by unsympathetic people. On the one hand i could learn something, but it really shatters my peace of mind. My therapist advised me to stop debating on the internet. But i am having so much trouble staying away from that discussion, because if people are writing things about me, then i just have to know what they are saying. I tried to bring the conversation to a close. I hope i can put that behind me.

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Are you bipolar? I am and I just learned that for bipolar people, hypomania can cause you to sporadically increase internet time (posting on forums, Facebook etc) just like how for other people who are more social in person, it causes them to be more talkative and, going further toward mania, have "pressured speech." I found that really interesting, because I'm a pretty anti-social person who participates in forums sporadically. I've never gotten into a negative experience like the one you are describing, but I can 100% understand how you would feel like you need to keep checking back on it and knowing what people are saying. I would get obsessed. So I guess I understand that impulse but you're right it shatters peace of mind and you probably can't do anything to change it now it sounds like. Maybe replace this interest with something else, to distract yourself? I hope you can get your peace of mind back. 

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Posted (edited)

Thanks for your reply. No I don´t have bipolar diagnosis. I am not sure what the diagnosis are from people i have seen. I had a possible personality disorder diagnosis from the first psichiatrist i saw but then it seems to have been replaced with depression and anxiety. He sort of backtracked on it without explanation. To be honest at that time of my life i didnt know what was going on and didnt know what any of the labels were or have any trust in mental health people. My current therapist doesnt believe in labeling people.

As you say I need to find something else to take my attention away. The best distraction would be something social but for me that is hard.

I spend a lot of time online but almost none of it is social. This forum and the old chatroom were about the most social that i got, and even then i didnt use much. Normally i am extremely guarded in what i say. At the moment for some reason i am engaging in what for me is extreme amount of communication, and that is a bit risky to me because i am vulnerable to getting my feelings hurt by people, and then it causes a load of anxiety.

Edited by deckpoop

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2 minutes ago, deckpoop said:

I spend a lot of time online but almost none of it is social. This forum and the old chatroom were about the most social that i got, and even then i didnt use much. Normally i am extremely guarded in what i say. At the moment for some reason i am engaging in what for me is extreme amount of communication, and that is a bit risky to me because i am extremely vulnerable to getting my feelings hurt by people.

I certainly can relate to that. I have problems knowing what people mean a lot of the time - since we can't hear inflection through these screens. It can get frustrating and then I just quit and go on an internet diet for a while. :-)

I would be interested to know what kind of therapist that is, that does not label people. Is that just someone you found randomly, or of a particular school of psychology or something? I'm thinking maybe a more right-brained, or perhaps Eastern mode of thought. I'm switching therapists right now and haven't had a good experience yet. 

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I am doing psychodynamic psychotherapy. I have been doing it for two years now. The emphasis is on understanding ones own past. It is transference-based which means that the therapeutic relationship is central. I came to it by luck. The first therapist I saw was doing some kind of humanist talk therapy, which I found unhelpful for my needs and I felt that the guy didnt really understand me at all. Then I found my current therapist and I think she really is helping me a lot so far.

As to not labeling people, I think that it is common amongst therapists in this part of the world. I know many people on this forum are from the USA where diagnosis are important for insurance purposes. But here things are a bit different.

I wish you best of luck in finding an approach and a person who is suitable.

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Thank you! I will look up psychodynamic psychotherapy. I appreciate you telling me that - maybe I can find one here. I am indeed in the US, and there's been so much time spent so far dithering around regarding which diagnoses are correct. It's very interesting to learn this is not the same in other places.

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