Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I have been self harming since I was 11.

I'm 21 with a job in healthcare and I still can't stop myself from cutting. Its become a custome. That's my go to when I'm stressed, upset, lonely, sometimes even if I'm bored. I just like to have cuts or burns or scratches on me at all times. Its like a secret that I don't have to share its amusing to me in a way. I feel almost naked if I don't have at least a few cuts on me at any given time. I've tried to stop and for a while I did, but I just keep turning back. 

   I want to move forward with my life but its like I'm stuck In a hole that I can't climb out of. I see everyone around me moving on with their lives and I'm stuck here hurting myself with no control over anything. My anxiety is to bad to seek help. I just feel like I would be better off dead because dying just seems so easier, more realistic and more inviting than trying to live a normal life.

Edited by Xyzieleigh

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Similar Content

    • By DammitJanet
      I’ve just hit menopause and started a very low dose of bc pill. 
      I can only find mood fluctuations in side effects, not anxiety. 
      Anyone else have issues with hrt?
    • By Dewey
      My psych doc has called two times to see if I started on the Latuda.  I haven't.  I originally wanted to wait until the Seroquel and Pamelor left my system before I started anything new.  That was 3 weeks ago.  Now experiencing inking in of paranoia, insomnia, fear, anxiety, depression, more migraine and it's preventing me from starting Latuda. 
      I have some key appointments I have to keep between now and the end of the month that I absolutely cannot cancel.  I don't want to start Latuda and experience overwhelming side effects that will scare me from leaving my home to make these appointments.  However, living in agony with these symptoms is horrible and I know I need to start on the Latuda.  After todays appointment, I will have 10 business days until my next appointment, I could take a small sample and see how I react for a few days. 
      I'm also still spending like crazy, have maxed out all my credit cards, applied for more.  I know I am doing this to comfort myself.  However, I am now sending back more than half what I am buying, but I am in trouble with one credit card.  I called my bank and asked for help and they agreed to suspend my credit card until I get it under the credit limit.  All this spending started after I watched my neighbor pass away and since then I have not been doing my daily walk because the only path I can use with my rollator is right where she passed away.  I just haven't been able to get myself beyond this. 
      I tried starting with a trauma therapist but that ended badly, she wanted me to discuss my past traumas in detail during the first and second meeting and half way thru the second meeting I flew out of her room having a panic attack.  I kept warning her I needed to work on grounding and she wouldn't, so won't go back.  She hasn't called to see why I haven't been back, so will let that one go. 
      I'm a basket case right now. 
    • By DammitJanet
      So gp gave me this new medication called xifaxan to kill off bad intestinal bacteria. He and the pharmacist said insomnia, anxiety, and depression aren’t side effects of this medication. But I’ve been on it for 6 days and after nearly 2 months of feeling pretty great, I’m suddenly experiencing all three of these symptoms severely. 
      I’m just wanting to know if this has happened to anyone else on this med. it doesn’t show up on the common side effect profiles, but I looked further down at the doc pamphlet at bottom of the page and it does say it can do his. 
      How do I get the doctor to believe me? She wants me to continue it but I woke up today feeling extremely depressed! And my Xanax isn’t even working for the anxiety! This all even being on vyvanse. 
      @mikl_pls or @browri?
      ps: why would they say this stuff can happen down in the physicians info and not list it in patient info???
      shitty thing is, it’s definitely helping my stomach problem. 
    • By Dewey
      My groceries were delivered to the wrong building and apartment yesterday.  The woman who came to my front door said my grocery delivery was sent to her address, so I grabbed my cart and followed her over to her apartment.  I noticed there was something off about her and it got worse when I entered her apartment. 
      She had put all my groceries away in her kitchen, where she thought was the right place (in her mind).  She put my ice cream in the cabinet, and you can guess the rest.  Each of the 22 items she put away in different places all over her home.  She would not give up the candy, I had to walk away from that.
      Clearly this woman had dementia and there I was in her apartment, alone.  And as I stood in her kitchen getting my groceries back, I could not reach my executive powers and realized I was dissociated and could not defend myself.  In reality, I should never have gone into her home. I should have just walked away, gone home and called the grocery delivery service.
      This woman signed my name on the form as instructed by the delivery person and now we are worried how much of a tip she gave him on my credit card.
      I knew walking over there I felt extremely anxious, going into a strangers apartment who was acting oddly right from the start, so the anxiety drove the dissociation and anything could have happened to me, alone with a demented neighbor, I should have known better.
      Two days ago, another neighbor stopped by to visit my new kitten. I should never have let her in, but there I went again, immediately into dissociation. This woman has been threatening to me in the past and yet I let her in my home and as I was sitting there looking at her, I sensed she should not be there and yet felt powerless over the situation so sat there and let the visit play itself out.  Then this woman started taking pictures of my kitten without asking permission and I should have have stopped her, but I was totally powerless. 
      I feel that I just cannot function in the real world and protect myself.  Dissociation is protecting myself, but it's leaving me very vulnerable and the consequences are that I am left with feeling very bad about myself. 
    • By Dewey
      This is what I go thru every day from the moment I wake up: anxiety throughout the day, uncontrollable anxiety and panic only when I leave my home, dissociation in times of high stress and high anxiety and panic, insomnia every night, daily depression, scary cycling mood swings.
      My psych doc called me on a Saturday afternoon (now this doc is semi-retired and only works 3 days a week now). I was shocked when I saw his name come up on caller ID.  He was calling to suggest I go into the hospital until I become stabilized.  Stabilized in one week, no way I say.  It's gonna take time for that to happen.  He said with the dissociation and everything else I am going thru on a daily basis he is worried I might self harm.  I assured him I am not at that point and he knows that I call him when I need to go back in, plus I have a new kitten and don't want anyone in my home anyway. I think I can manage all this at home.  I will be seeing him on Tuesday.  That was soo out of character for him to call me like that, kinda got my attention and am I worse off then I realize.  I have known him for 30+ years and he knows me well, so I have to trust his direction. His concern is that I am in the middle of a perfect storm and anything can happen and he worries that if anything triggers me I might not be able to control what happens to me.
      Then several neighbors stopped by to see if I was okay as they have not seen me last week, curtains have remained closed, not answering phones nor texts.  I know I have been avoiding alot of neighbors now as I am selectively avoiding those that trigger me and those that knocked on my door I call them "the axis of terror" for what they have been known to do to other people here. So, I had their phones on block.  I have been protecting myself while I work on medication and mood and it's nobody's business. 
      Had a game of RummyKub set up for this evening and really looked forward to this all week, and everyone just canceled, really bummed about that.
      I have had no interest in bath, washing my hair, eating.  I can't focus on TV, can't read, nor listen to my book tapes. No interest in anything, I am soo flooded with anxiety/panic.
      My HMO has restricted how many benzos I take, I have been on Klonopin for 30 years and that takes the edge off, but have to stock pile them due to the restrictions and delays in getting the medication to me, so had to cut back and that makes my anxiety worse.
      So, back to my psych doc.  The plan is to keep me on Seroquel (1/2 of a 25 mg) at night for sleep and for mood control for now during the day until I see him next week.  It just sedates me too much if I take more than 1/2 of 25 mg in a 24 hour period.  But the Seroquel puts the breaks on mood cycling, I just can't tolerate the side effects, they never go away, just increase.
      So, I am going to suggest to him for sleep (I want to get off Seroquel due to over sedation and muscle rigidity), Ambien or Trazodone.  I read up that Trazodone helps with insomnia, panic, migraine.  Then I need a mood stabilizer/seizure medication so may go back on Depakote and Xanax for rescue from intense anxiety/panic.  I don't want to go back on Lithium. 
      Goal for the day, making my bed and taking a bath, maybe washing my hair.