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I am sure most of you have seen me around here somewhere, but if not, I am HB. I have been here since April 2015. Back then, I was almost 20, today I am 22 and 5 months. 

Back then, I was hell-bent on ending my life. Nothing was more important or necessary. I was a wreck and I soon became a problem to the forums. Today, I am still chronically suicidal, but I am learning to make other things that I can actually have more important, and I have learnt the needs behind my suicidal thinking and behaviour. 

Today, I am able to accept other points of view and opinions, and I have learnt how to better socialise with other members here. I have also learnt how to be grateful and appreciative of what I have gained thus far, even though it doesn't effect me personally in terms of improving my mental illnesses. 

There are multiple contributions towards why I have chronic suicidiality, that meds seem to do nothing for. One of them is the cognitive rigidity that results from me being autistic. One of the things I have always been known for is getting stuck in thoughts and behaviours, and being unable to see things, think about things and behave in different, not familiar ways to me. 

Novelty is certainly not a friend of mine, I have hated it for my whole life, and I still do. I have a control problem, my way or the highway. Even if I know that something is bad for me, if I have been doing it for a long time and it serves a purpose, I will keep doing it and struggle immensely to transition and adjust to a new thought pattern or behaviour. 

I am very mind blind, even if I have gotten better at acknowledging it and how it effects both myself and other people. 

I am very stubborn, and that has always been something that people have hated about me. 

If I were a tool in a tool box, I would be the most blunt tool in the box. A lot of people call me cold and insensitive because of how direct I am. 

If analysing things was a talent, I would have it. Although, there are definitely times when it drives me nuts, such as analysing my mental illnesses. 

My brain is never quiet. And I wouldn't like it if it was. The thing I despise most about being mentally ill is that I can't fix it, and no one knows what causes it. 

Why, because I solve problems by fixing them. My life without routines is a complete mess and chaotic, because that is what my brain requires to function properly. 

My story. I was diagnosed with Asperger's in first grade. More and more adults these days are diagnosed as an adult, but I wasn't. And because of that, I know about, and had to endure things that autistic adults don't. 

One of the contributions towards me being hell-bent on ending my life was the way I was treated as an autistic child. Shame. I grew up with a lot of it. In fact, I was drowned in it by everyone in my immediate life. 

Disgusting. Burden. Atrocity. Problem. Disturbing. All of those were names I got called throughout my childhood. 

I grew up around cure culture and vaccine controversy. I was treated like a disease, and a monster. For almost 8 years, I was forced to do ABA and take high dosages of antipsychotic meds that I didn't actually need. 

Even my education tried to mainstream me. I was taught to be ashamed of being autistic and to hate myself. To tolerate abuse from people because of it. I was made into a robot of what NT people expected of me. 

By the time I was an adolescent, I had already developed double depression and was struggling to respond to meds and therapy. I spent half of my adolescence in a locked psych unit. I had no one to assist me through child development. 

My being autistic was used as a justification for child abuse numerous times. I was put away in residential facilities because of it. Something to add about me is that I was raised in foster care, which was used as an extra incentive to justify child abuse because of my behaviours associated with being autistic.

Long story short, I had a beyond horrible childhood because of how autistic children are treated. I became a young adult that was so used to being told that I would equate to nothing, and get nowhere in life that I was sure that I would inevitably end my life to be free of it. 

Me being autistic means that my mental illnesses are more difficult to treat. I don't have typical major depression because I don't experience emotions in the same way that a NT person does.

My worst symptom is anhedonia, which is also an autistic trait. I struggle immensely with avolition and self-care, and as mentioned above, it is very easy for me to get stuck in my depressive thinking and behaviour, even though I know that they are depression and therefore disordered. 

I also struggle with emotional blunting, restricted affect and alexithymia, which are also autistic traits. I am hyposensitive towards emotional regulation skills that most people can use, and my environment overall. 

Executive functioning is a huge problem for me. I can't sleep or eat normally because I have trouble being able to recognise biological cues. I sleep and eat excessively because I have nothing else to do with my life.

I can't regulate my own energy levels, and I have a variety of sensory problems. 

I receive disability support services for my mental illnesses and deficits associated with being autistic. Except, really, its more like I don't. Services still want to mainstream me into their ridiculous ideals of what a human being is. 

Now I am an adult, I do my best to have my say. Unfortunately, communication is often difficult because the services treat me like I speak another language, and they use a lot of indirect, improperly detailed and nonverbal communication, none of which I can really understand. 

Having a conversation is absolutely exhausting. I can literally count the amount of actual, mutual conversations I have had as an adult with one hand. Almost none of my conversations are mutual, and that is very difficult for me, as I have a larger need for mutual understanding. 

The services display absurd attachment behaviour that is completely disturbing to me. Like all NT people, they expect ridiculous levels of reinforcements and emotional responsiveness, that I obviously do not have, nor do I think they are even necessary. 

Because I am still a young adult, my brain is still developing. It sucks majorly to have no support or assistance whatsoever that actually applies to the type of brain I have. 

All my service providers are interested in is me having sex and being in a relationship. 

That is a large problem, and completely invalidating, because I am asexual and have no interest whatsoever in sex. As a result of being autistic, my social requirements are also much lower than theirs. 

I could quite contentedly spend the rest of my life alone in my house. I don't think this is abnormal at all, as long as I am able to leave it to buy groceries and attend appointments, etc. 

The treatment I received as a child, whilst not as severe or horrible as an adult, still continues. I regularly get called names like deadbeat, compared to attending a funeral and referred to as disturbing and unacceptable. 

I am writing this for those of you who have been, or still are in a similar situation to mine. This is a message that shame doesn't have to be part of who you are as an autistic person, or your life. 

There is a life for you, even if it doesn't seem like it. There are people who accept you the way you are, and you can learn how to live an authentic life as defined by you. 

I still have to listen to that, but I threw the shame and disgust away and left it behind me. I gave it back to the people who drowned me in it, because they are the ones that deserve it, not me. 

Despite my cognitive rigidity that effects my chronic suicidiality, I wake up every day and see the day out every day. I do whatever it takes to make something else more important and to understand my needs better.

Yes, it seems like I am getting nowhere, but I keep going. I am receiving no adequate treatment because I can't, but I still hold on to the little life I have as a result of being here amongst others like me. 

I have learnt that I just want to be free and accepted the way I am, nothing less and nothing more, and that ending my life doesn't give me that. I have very little family that would grieve my passing, the family I have left go through the same crap that I do, but I keep going anyways. 

I am still having my worst days, but I am also still making it through them. Right now, I am alive for the sake of the future autistic adults and the present autistic children. I am alive because I wish to see the shit I had to deal with, and still deal with, not exist anymore. 

I am alive because I have to be. I have no choice. Those kids depend on my story being told so that people know about the harm of mainstreaming and pathetic cure culture, and the risk to public health and immunity as a result of the vaccine controversy. 

I am alive because I deserve a better life, one that is worth living, and one where I am capitalising on the strengths I have instead of being reduced to my limitations. 

Yes, it is hard, but nothing worth fighting for isn't. Don't let society's shame and disgust destroy you and your sense of self-worth. You deserve better and deserve to be accepted the way you are regardless of what they say. 

People call me cold and insensitive, but they are wrong, I just don't express empathy the same way. People call me a loner, and I don't care because there is nothing wrong with it. They call me disturbing, but really, its just a projection of what they are. 

Keep fighting. 

 

 

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Well done, HoBo. It’s been such a joy and a pleasure to watch you grow.

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I want to say how proud I am to share the boards with you, HB. You express very clearly a great deal of how I feel about my autism.

You're a warrior, and you've been through some of the worst, yet you're still fighting for the right. Anyone who isn't inspired by you isn't paying attention.

Analyzing things is a talent, and you do have it. It shows.

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