By Rhetorical disease
I don't remember too much about my 2 week stay, but if I wrote it all down, it would be a small book I think. I still feel jangly about it a month and a half later and I guess that the worst part is wondering if/when it will happen again. Normal? They did so many tests on me and I only remember one - the EEG, for some reason. Don't remember visitors, like best friends (2! and lucky to have em), brother, or docs and nurses. They say that I'd been mumbly, unstable on my feet before roommate called 911, then still for the first two days, then talkative and friendly the rest of the time. All of the tests were normal, or "unremarkable", so they worried instead me falling. They still want me to use a cane or walker. Ha - I'm only 54 ffs.
I also have a whole set of weird symptoms that no one has been able to explain, and again, lots of Dr's and tests. A smaller set are eye/perceptual problems almost like an acid or mushroom trip, but definitely not fun. Immediately have to be really careful not to hurt myself because my balance goes to hell. Sometimes I have to crawl and even so, I faceplant into the floor and cut and bruise myself all over on a regular basis. Sound familiar to anyone?
I've experienced illusions and hallucinations (auditory and visual) on a pretty regular basis, but no delusions. None of any of them are predictable though, with no patterns or common triggers (hate that damn word, except when nothing else works so efficiently!). My pdoc took me off lithium (had been 60mg. I reach toxic pretty easily), upped my lamictal from 200 to 400, upped latuda from 60 to 80 + 40 in the morning, then added requip. The rest of my meds in signature.
I don't really know what I'm saying or asking, but I've pretty stable since I've been home. I'm having mood swings but attribute most of it to med changes, but the zoomy mixed and maybe manic states are scary now. I feel like I just really need some conversation about it all, and friends aren't open to any of it. They can't handle it, but I think I barely get it myself, and worse because I remember so little before, during or after. I was conscious and remember a few days, but that's it. Stop! I won't say another word now, period.
Thanks for reading, RD
I've had two previous major psychotic episodes while off my medication for long periods. These episodes put me into a manic frenzy that caused legal problems. Once where I isolated and resisted arrest on foot and the other where I resisted / eluded by motor vehicle across 3 counties. One occurred during a heat wave in mid-July and the next during frigid temperatures in mid-January, thus extreme temperatures are one of my triggers.
Thankfully there was little damage and no one was hurt either time.
My lifestyle pattern involves me taking anti-psychotic medication by court order (usually by injection) for 1 to 2 years for probation before going off and feeling consistently better from the lack of adverse side effects (akathisia, drowsiness, suicide ideation, anxiety, panic attacks, anhedonia, hopelessness, severe weight gain, etc).
I do well for about 7 to 8 months but then begin to isolate in my apartment and decompensate and become delusional and manic, thinking I possess special abilities and evolutionary traits and can communicate with a higher power. There is some paranoia involved as well. Sometimes I hallucinate. Then I relapse and become frenetic.
There is however, little to no depression when I'm off the anti-psychotics. When I take them I'm severely depressed.
I have seen a number of psychiatrists since I developed this illness in 2011 at age 22 and been labeled Paranoid Schizophrenic, Schizoaffective, and Bipolar 1 With Mania. None of them are completely synonymous and my current psych can't make up his mind.
I'm very sensitive to anti-psychotics. Only 1.25mg of Zyprexa zapped my delusional thinking and hallucinations in a few hours and Invega Sustenna 39mg (what I'm currently taking) is more than enough for treating my symptoms as well. The same thing with 2mg of Abilify. I'm just saying this because I've heard that some individuals need moderate to higher dosages for the medications to be effective. I'm not one of them.
Anyway, I came across one psychiatrist who was part of the justice system (in the beginning of my term) who refused to place me on an anti-psychotic claiming I was too focused during my occurrences with the police for him to diagnose me Schizoaffective. He said that I still retained some sanity based on what he was told and wasn't trying to murder anyone or hurt myself.
He refuted Schizoaffective Disorder and labeled me Bipolar 1 With Mania And Temporary Psychosis and said I had one of the most extreme cases of Mania he had ever seen. He recommended a heavy mood-stabilizer instead of an anti-psychotic. He said there may be some delusional thinking but I will remain baseline and wont act upon them. Unfortunately, I was extradited within a few weeks and placed out of his care and the next psych I came across was an AP dispenser and convinced me to take it so probation would accept me.
The only mood-stabilizer I've tried is Nuerontin or Gabapentin and I wasn't on it long enough to know if it treated my symptoms effectively.
I come off probation in December and don't want to get in trouble with the law once again, but at the same time I despise what these anti-psychotics are currently doing to me. Some things I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. Being on the anti-psychotic leads to depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, akathisia, hating every aspect of life, and weight gain and coming off completely means thinking I have 38 girlfriends and can stop missiles in their tracks. Could a mood-stabilizer be the appropriate balance to end this nightmare? Can someone have Bipolar Mania so severe they develop Psychosis but not actually be Schizoaffective?
I have schizoaffective disorder bipolar type but don't have hallucinations and never had.
What I have are thoughts like: a family member is answering to another and they answer with a displeasing (I think) voice, for example, say "No" in that tone, and I think it is because of me that they are angry when they answer. Or when my mother sighs or something, I think in a weird way that she's sighing because I am a failure. I think when I am with my family members or when I hear them talk, I tend to feel like I am the cause of all the problems in their lives.
What do you make of it?
Hi, I'm going to briefly describe my experience and see if anyone can relate or maybe if no one can that can answer my question about whether or not schizophrenia is a possible diagnosis for me. Basically, I have been in and out of therapy since I was 14 (I am now 25). Initially I was in talk therapy for what I perceived as depression. When I was 18 I had a really bad night that felt like it was brought on very suddenly. WARNING: potential triggers; describing paranoia and thoughts of self-harm I became convinced I was going to cut my fingers off. I had been feeling off for most of the night and it came to a head when I lay down in bed to go to sleep. I could not for the life of me get these thoughts out of my head and it was almost like someone was telling me to go ahead and do it. Now, I want to be clear. I did not hear an audible voice. It was much more internalized. However, it did still feel like something was telling me to do that. My mother had previously dealt with an anxiety disorder and continued to take medication for it. I went to her in a panic and told her, embarrassed, that I was sure I was losing my mind and was going to cut all of my fingers off even though I didn't want to. Thoughts along the lines of these ones continued since then. I thought people could magically kill or hurt me simply by touching something I was going to drink or eat. I hated when certain people would touch me and would think a lot of people were out to get me. I went to a psychiatrist since my therapist and mother felt I needed to go, along with myself feeling this way. She ended up diagnosing me with OCD anxiety and later just OCD as I continued to show symptoms involving checking certain behaviors. I went on a low dose of medication and became paranoid about that and discontinued use. Recently my paranoia has been exceedingly bad. I have not been able to sustain a relationship romantically as I always seem to get paranoid about people's intentions and behaviors (i.e. thinking people are obsessed with me, following me, or planning to physically harm me). I do not think my paranoia was totally unwarranted in some cases as some behaviors were unhealthy, but my responses to circumstances were blown up to a big extent. I constantly validate my feelings with others and am often told I am wrong.
This is my problem. I do not feel like I have OCD. I'm not sure my current psychiatrist does either. We seem to be treating symptoms but don't really have a diagnoses. We have described it as depression, anxiety, paranoia and catastrophizing situations and ADHD. I haven't told her everything I'm feeling yet, but she prescribed me Zoloft and Risperidone since she wants to treat the paranoid thoughts. The Risperidone is at a very low dose and it seems to be doing something although my symptoms are not completely gone. She then added Adderall in the mix to treat my ADHD although she wants to take it slow with all the medications because there are a few different variables at play here. I am not trying to say I am schizophrenic. I don't necessarily think I am but I do have questions and am trying to learn more since what I describe as anxiety doesn't seem to really line up with how I have seen anxiety portrayed in many other people. I don't seem to have the physical symptoms of anxiety or typical anxious thoughts, but rather just display different forms of paranoia both with potentially realistic situations and very unrealistic situations.. I am just wondering about a couple of things:
1- I often get trapped in my own head and space out and feel I can't control my thoughts which are often negative in nature and putting me down or telling me someone is going to hurt me or that something in the universe is sending me a sign. That is when I get anxious. What I am wondering is could this be a sign of delusional thinking or does it sound like it could be a form of OCD instead of psychosis?
2- What does it feel like to hear voices? Do you physically hear them in your ears or is it more internalized thoughts that converse with you?
3- Are there warning signs for schizophrenia or related disorders that I could be exhibiting or is it generally pretty clear when someone has the disorder?
I hope none of this is offensive. I am just starting a new mental health journey and am trying to understand the symptoms that I'm dealing with. I was hoping someone could tell me if I'm thinking incorrectly or if I'm possibly heading in the right direction with my thoughts?
By unknown diagnosis
So I haven't been feeling well lately, not as bad as I felt last time I had to go to the hospital, but not too good either. Lately the suicidal ideation has ramped up a lot, but its not from me its from the psycho-ocd intrusive thoughts. I feel no need to act on them, but for some reason they are extremely comforting (thinking about suicide that is). I just cant stop thinking about killing myself. Ive also heard my name being called a lot at random times, not too sure what that is but it might be a new symptom. I don't feel like a danger to myself yet, but im scared I will be very soon. I haven't talked to my tdoc or pdoc about these issues yet but I have an appointment coming up soon. Do you think a hospital stay is in my future?