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Masie

Yes, I'm fine. (I'm not)

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Sometimes I'm scared. I have thankfully recovard from my eating disorder. But sometimes I slip. I don't eat. I dont feel like eating. I dont like myself. The voice comes back. I ignore it. Try to. I do try. But it keeps reminding me. Trying to incourage me to do the wrong thing. I dont know if this is normal since I've recovard. Maybe its just part of it. I dunno. But when my parents notice they make me feel like its my fault and are like "dont start that again I don't want you to be how you were before" like yeah I'm sorry I have these feelings. I don't know how I cope honestly. When i was going though my eating disorder I was also depressed. Depressed to the point of hearing actual voices that were in my  head  (But out if you know what i mean. So it sounds like there is voices in the room when there is in fact nobody there.)  I couldn't tell what gender since they were hushed whispers. All of a sudden there was more and soon lots of them. I didn't understand a word but it was like they were having their own convo. I tried ignoring it but it only got louder.  A few months later I heard another voice crystal clear. It was of a woman shouting help. But when i looked where the voice came from it stopped and when I looked away It it was back again. Not only that but i was also seeing things. Like a man running though the grass happy as ever. He looked like one of those clowns from a kids party  :/ I was so confused about if it it was real or not but he came out of nowhere like a ghost. I also saw a ball of light. It looked like a little fairy flying around the room. Kinda cute actually. I told my mum and she looked at me like I was crazy. I didn't know depression could do that. I also became really paranoid about things. Like I didn't go on my computer cause i thought the government was watching me. I didn't leave the house for weeks and looked myself in my room because i thought i was being spyed on and followed. It felt like it too. Even in the house when walking around. I warmed my family not to go out of the house because I really did feel like they were gonna get kidnapped never to be seen again. I was worried sick and would wait all day, my mind racing and having so many bad thoughts and i was sure that were actually abducted until they returned home and was considering at one point to phone the police or contact the police to keep an eye on them just in case anything bad happens. I hated it.  I got lost. I was lost.  I never done a depression could make you like that. I was such a mess. I didn't trust anyone not even my own family at some points. Has anyone  else ever experienced this? I kinda feel alone and am wondering if anyone else has been the same way at me. I got so emotional and would get cry for hours on end because of how i looked and on top of that all of my problems. It was like I couldn't control my emotions. I hated it. 

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Yes, I have felt like this before during episodes of psychosis. The hearing voices having conversations but not being able to make out what they were saying -- the woman's voice shouting (except to me it sounded like she was coming outside from my head, and she was telling me to kill myself.) I remember being worried about my family members and myself as well, locking myself in the house for months, determined that I was being spied on. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how hellish it is. Do you have a pdoc? 

 

(And, for the record, yesterday my pdoc told me that depression can cause paranoia/psychosis. He said it to me because it's certainly happened to me in the past and I was confused about it.) 

 

(Also, I've contacted the police before as a result of paranoia, calling them crying. They sent two officers to my house who reassured me and calmed me down somewhat. It's embarrassing, but I suppose it's what I needed.)

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Part of that is the intruse thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are a major part of what I go through as well.

Thinking "what if I ever get drunk and put the cat in the microwave?' or "someone in my family is getting blindsided on the highway and now they are dead".

It's common. Well at least to us.

As for the voices, I almost wish I had that problem. Not being funny.

I started talking to myself a few years ago and that other person I created had its own personality. I would switch at in public if I saw something I didn't like. I started to like different food. different TV, you name it.

It became weird. I finally myself without therapy just confronting

it was just the inner me, just trying to be something different.

No, I wasn't

Yes, I was.

OK, the last part was just me being funny.

 

 

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