Perceiving value in your life is not a thought form of perception (awareness) at all. Rather, it is an emotional awareness. In other words, our emotions do not have some sort of mind control effect on us where they force us to perceive, through our thinking, our lives being good or bad to us. It is purely the emotions themselves that allow us to see values in our lives. Emotions are actually a sense like sight. They allow us to see the values that things and situations hold in our lives. It is only our positive emotions that allow us to see the positive qualities of life (i.e. the good values) while it is only our negative emotions that allow us to see the negative qualities of life (i.e. the bad values). Having neither positive nor negative emotions would be no different than a blind person. No value judgment can allow this blind person to see just as how no value judgment or mindset can allow us to see the values in our lives.
My partner died 3 months ago of a heroin overdose. It was extremely traumatic, as you can imagine. He is not my first partner to pass away in this manner. He and I unfortunately only got to be together for 3 months and it was unlike any relationship I had ever had. I let my guards down and allowed myself to be loved and I truly loved him. Our relationship was amazing until he relapsed. It was recognized to me by many people after he died that our relationship was very unique and that not many people get to have something like that ever. He was my soul mate. I was with a man for 5 years and never felt that kind of connection.
His death has left a void. I acted recklessly, hooked up with people, reached out to people who didn't respect or care about me, and of course never felt connected (obviously unhealthy behavior).
I was also sexually assualted by someone I really trusted just a month after his death and am in the process of court cases.
But I met this guy and it was weird. He's perfect and has been wonderful and understanding in the short time we've been involved, but it hasn't been very long since my partner's death. I've questioned all of my motivations as well as his and feel insecure, but ultimately we have genuine well-intentioned feelings for each other. I worry I need more time alone, but he makes me feel happy in the capacity that another person is able and we have a wonderful thing going.
Now I feel extremely guilty. Every time I realize I'm happy, I just stop and feel overwhelming guilt.
I also have developed incredibly low self esteem since my partner died. It is so hard for me to accept that this man is genuine and cares and desires me and isn't just going to abandon me as soon as open up and I trust him.
I feel conflicted. I want this. I do. And he knows what's going on and has been completely accepting of me. He even is willing to go slow and give me space to grieve. But I feel like I'm abandoning my dead partner even though in reality he abandoned me.
Feedback, love, and support would be great.
This is my first post on this board. I was diagnosed and treated for bipolar 1 from 2002-2015. Last year I went off medication, and have been med free since Oct 2015. I went off because I believed the medication was hurting me more than helping and making me sicker. I felt I had nothing to lose.
As a result, I regained mental clarity but had one long mania cycle and I am now in a very depressed cycle which is difficult to.endure.
I am very depressed from stress but mostly from the fact that I now see clearly how my bipolar has wrecked havoc in my life. I am seeing it clearly for the first time and I am accepting it.
I am 52, divorced with 3 kids. My oldest doesn't talk to me at all, my middle has some communication, getting better and now my daughter 13 doesnt speak to me. The alienation creates severe feelings of pain for me. I have hurt them and their mother and this is my reality.
Their mother has played my mental illness against me in the divorce and has sought to alienate me from my children. She has provoked confrontations with me, has had me arreated and has played the victim to the hilt. I now have several court motions to addressential with her on house and alimony and alienation issues.
There is nothing more painful than not having a relationship with your kids.
Because of the massive losses, caused mostly by mania, I am now willing to accept treatment for my bipolar again. I am very afraid of medications that sedate me, make me lose my memory and effect my body weight. I do not trust psychiatrists, pharma, or medication. But I need help.
I am a lost soul right now trying to find my tribe and get direction.
My parents are supportive and a few friends but I have lost nearly all my relationships to my craziness and disorder. I had substance abuse problems as well but have been sober now for almost a year.
I hope to hear from some of you that there is hope, that one can get through massive depression and pain as well as mania and find meaning and purpose in life.
I really need to connect with people that are managing this illness well and might understand. I am powerless over my bipolar and my life is unmanageable. Thank you.
Hello. I was evicted on Monday morning, meaning on Sunday night, I had to get as much stuff as my friend could get into her car and leave home. I had to leave 90+% of my belongings behind including 99% of my books.
It took me 15 years to collect those books. They were all hard cover because I had always planned on having a library in my home to put them in someday. Ever since I had to leave them behind, I have experienced profound sadness and grief when I think about them. I miss them so much and want them back. I am angry that they are lost forever.
I recently lost my dad. He died 3 months ago, January 25th. It was very sudden. Some of what I feel now is what I felt when dad died. I know they are inanimate objects to most people, but they were much more than that to me. I literally had over 100 books.
I have high functioning autism and can become overly attached to "things". Is the feeling I'm feeling normal in any aspect? Do those of you without an ASD relate at all? Just writing this down and knowing I will never have or see my books again has me on the verge of tears.
If there are only storms - and then the passing of storms - by which to judge who i am, then where is the real person?
Am i the one who navigates the waves of the electrical storms inside my brain, or am i the electrical storm?
There is Medicated Me, and then there is Unmedicated Me.
I much prefer Medicated Me.
Medicated, i am not so tortured, not so prone to act upon some passing instinct that may or may not be based upon reality.
There was a time, when the storms were less frequent. But when they were raging, they were devastating. Yet when they passed, they would pass for so long, sometimes, that i could almost forget they had ever happened.
Not so, these past few years.
Not so, since tragedy ripped away so much of my life.
And how do i define myself now that i am no longer a mother?
The part of me that loves my son is still there. The part of me that raised him for 19 years has not disappeared with his death - yet i no longer have that role. I must, it seems, redefine myself in so many ways.
In my mental illness, in my role as someone who was once a mother, and now is not.
What, if anything, is still what it was?
I am an entirely new person, now.
I am not who i was.
Mental Illness has been with me for a long time - has shaped me for a long time. And when tragedy struck, it had its hand in transforming me totally.
I am still learning to be this new person.
She is still a writer.
She still loves to dance, although her back is too fucked up to do it professionally these days.
This new person is learning that maybe acceptance of what's real is too important to waste time over denial and bitterness when it comes to my mental health, because to do otherwise could literally kill me.
That getting well - or as well as is possible - is a process that is going to take patience and humour and gentleness with myself. And shame has no place there.
I have no time for regretting any thing more - i have work ahead of me, both in grieving and in healing.
I have to find the lightness in all of this, i have to find the absurdity and the beauty and the lessons, if there are any to be had. I have to find the strength. I have to be a badass crazy bitch.
Because maybe the question of whether i'm that electrical storm or the passenger riding the waves isn't even important at this point. Maybe it's whether or not i find a new path through the storm - and live to tell about it.