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My mom died recently. She was young; I am still in my twenties and she was in her fifties. She was my best friend.

There's a quote or something (or I possibly made it up, who knows) about how when someone dies, for the rest of your life they will only be further away. I can't deal with that.

She was my best friend. And she died so painfully, so horribly, so needlessly.

I am beginning to cry a little writing this. Sometimes I feel like sleepwalking. Sometimes I think I'll hear her voice and I'll look up and she'll still be there. But she never is.

She was gentle, beautiful, sweet, unassuming, generous, strong, and selfless. She was everything I have tried (and failed) to be. She loved life more than anyone I ever met. When I was psychotic for four months she took care of me without an ounce of selfishness. She loved people more than anything, more than anyone.

I didn't get a chance to say good-bye. 

Edited by saoirse
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Tears flowing reading this, saoirse.  I am sorry for your loss, the unanswered questions, and the waves of emotion and pain you must be feeling.

I once heard someone say that the grief we feel is in proportion to the love we felt. 

Thinking of you.

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6 minutes ago, lifequake said:

Tears flowing reading this, saoirse.  I am sorry for your loss, the unanswered questions, and the waves of emotion and pain you must be feeling.

I once heard someone say that the grief we feel is in proportion to the love we felt. 

Thinking of you.

Thank you so much for this kind post. Sometimes I can distract myself but that just makes it all the worse when it comes rushing back. It's like I'm constantly holding it at the back of my head. She'll never see me get my first big job, never see me publish a book or get married. I'll never get to buy her that house at the lake. She's gone. Just like that.

Thank you. <3

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This is choking me up as well.. I am very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing my mother. Just the thought of it sends me into intense emotions, tears start welling up inside. I don't think I would be strong enough to go on. Like you, my mom is my best friend...she is my number 1 believer/supporter, she is kind, loving, the most giving human being I've met. And I owe everything to her. She cared and helped me so much through my hospitalizations, traumas, always willing to listen. I would completely fall to pieces without her....but she is very old and not in super health, so I must accept that someday she will be gone and I will remain and accept that I'll continue on without her.

Edited by Blahblah
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17 minutes ago, Blahblah said:

This is choking me up as well.. I am very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing my mother. Just the thought of it sends me into intense emotions, tears start welling up inside. I don't think I would be strong enough to go on. Like you, my mom is my best friend...she is my number 1 believer/supporter, she is kind, loving, the most giving human being I've met. And I owe everything to her. She cared and helped me so much through my hospitalizations, traumas, always willing to listen. I would completely fall to pieces without her....but she is very old and not in super health, so I must accept that someday she will be gone and I will remain and accept that I'll continue on without her.

Sometimes I think all life consists of is holding on and then letting go. Thank you for your empathy. <3 I remember when I saw that she'd died I was shaking. Pure disbelief. How could the brightest star in my universe go out, just like that? My mom was my number one believer and supporter as well, and also the kindest, most giving human being I've ever met. Her funeral was enormous. They could barely fit everyone into the giant church -- that's how she affected people, so deeply. I've never seen anyone so loved, or so loving. And now she's gone, and she's not coming back.

I pray (though I'm not religious, so I suppose it's a strange choice of words) that you have many more years with your mother. <3 

I didn't think I would be able to go on, either. But somehow I'm still here. It just hurts, and there's this empty place where I think my heart used to be. :/

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When my mom died I connected with this quote very deeply. I also lost her quite young. 

“She had no idea what to do with love once the object of its power and intensity of feeling was no longer there to receive it.” - from Thomasina by Paul Gallico

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Just now, saintalto said:

When my mom died I connected with this quote very deeply. I also lost her quite young. 

“She had no idea what to do with love once the object of its power and intensity of feeling was no longer there to receive it.” - from Thomasina by Paul Gallico

That's beautiful, and so perfect. Thank you.

The quote I have found to relate to is this: "She was unsure which pain was worse: the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will." 

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30 minutes ago, saoirse said:

I pray (though I'm not religious, so I suppose it's a strange choice of words) that you have many more years with your mother. <3

Thank you. I've come to believe, there is nothing like a (my) mother's love. I try to never end a conversation without telling her I love her.

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Saoirse, I’m so sorry. Losing someone without warning is hell. 

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I am so sorry. Losing a beloved parent is hell. I lost my mom a few years ago, and I am still sad and grieving over it. My thoughts are with you during this difficult period.

However, I guess I don't agree with that quote you are remembering. I like to think that as long as you carry their memory in your heart, they are never very far away. They reside with you and everyone who remembers them. Every thing they did for you, everything they ever taught you is a part of themselves that they gave to you. So when you catch yourself doing something your mom taught you to do, your mom is right there with you.

Take care.

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I’m so sorry for your loss. Ironically, today is the third anniversary of my mother’s death, and I was 1800 miles away when she passed, so I truly understand your pain about not being able to say goodbye. 

I don’t have anything profound to say, but with time, it does get easier, but you will never lose the love, it stays with you always. Thinking of you.

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I'm so sorry. She knew you loved her, which is what you would have said to her when you said goodbye, right? Well she knew. That's what's important.

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I am sorry to read of your Mom's passing, Saoirse. I had 48 hours to come to grips with my Mom not able to make it. Wasn't ready for that at age 25. That was over 20 years ago. The pain lessens. But please, do take the time to grieve, and on your own timetable. It is important to tune out others who mean well but may not know what is best for you. Thinking of you. 

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Thank you, all of you, for your kind words. They mean more than I could ever express.

It's just so strange... thinking I will hear her voice, thinking she will walk through the door. But she never does.

I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped away. I feel empty, hollow inside. Some days I still don't believe it's real.

How do you get over losing the person you loved the most in this world?

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All you can do is keep her with you. You will think of her often, and you'll never stop loving her. Bonds do not break with death.

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18 minutes ago, Antecedent said:

All you can do is keep her with you. You will think of her often, and you'll never stop loving her. Bonds do not break with death.

This was from February 😆

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Oh sorry, I got a notification for this thread which I thought was a new notification, I must have accidentally clicked on an old one. Since February this has changed and now people stop loving their loving parents and bonds are easily broken. I apologize for posting out of date information.

Edited by Antecedent

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3 minutes ago, Antecedent said:

Sorry if that seemed snarky, it was meant to be funny

Phew. After waking up from a nightmare about my egg donor,  I actually felt hurt and a little mad. 😆 thanks for clarifying haha

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Ah! I'm so glad I went back and re-read it then! I have to be more careful. Totally my fault. *Hugs or warm handshakes, whichever you prefer* :)

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It's the worst feeling and it's always with you a little bit.

I know when my mother dies I'm going to be in pieces.

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