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I always seem to want to show people how not to be while simultaneously showing them how to be. I have done this with drugs often. Now I do this with my eating disorder. I am not underweight but have been losing. I have health problems arising now. Even when I was deep in psychosis it was all the same thing too (unrelated to ED). For some reason I just feel the need to show people how they can be better / do better if they weren't like me. I am also a cigarette smoker and I think cig smokers can relate "Never start smoking." I felt the need to explore the depths so others didnt have to and over time it drove me mad with schizoaffective and borderline (and trauma). Maybe it is all trauma related. My counselor told me that it is, in my words, a hypertrophic helper self for lack of remembering what he said to a T. People look up to me at times and I constantly remind them not to. I just want to die a slow death, sorta. I want everyone in my life to remember me and learn from me. 

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