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Posted (edited)

If you are triggered by like...anything, you probably shouldn't read this post. Because it has like every major triggering thing in the world in it.

 

This is probably going to be a long post, because everything I write is long. I just want to say that I'm not "looking for a diagnosis" in that I am not looking for anything official and I certainly won't take anything some forum poster says as gospel. But I would say that I am looking for discussion as to what the fuck you think is wrong with me. Because at this point I've pretty much given up all hope. To preface, I am a 27 year old male.

When I was younger I was neglected and at least verbally abused by my father. He would scream at me, a deafening scream. He would "spank" me but it was way harder than it should have been, and of course there was the belt too, which he threatened but I'm not sure he used. I did not specify "physical abuse" because people often argue what does or does not constitute physical abuse. To this day, I think that I was molested as a child, but I have no idea whether I actually was or not. I also do not know where that thought comes from. I cannot remember the vast majority of my life since before I was 12.

My father was extremely neglectful. He was the type of parent that seemed to think "Taking care of" his child just equates to buying him things. Even then, on holidays, I would get gifts but he would have to take them out of the package and use them first. My mother was the exact opposite: she was extremely coddling and was by far the mercy...actually she was a total pushover. They worked alternating schedules, so I was with both of them equally. They divorced when I was 16 or so because my dad cheated on her. They had joint custody, but conditions with my father and the new family were so intolerable that one day I simply walked out and went to live with my mother permanently.

Since I was 5, I have been obsessed with death. I frequently used the line "I am going to kill myself". Very frequently. For whatever. I just always wanted someone to know I was going to kill myself. I also vaguely recall screaming and throwing a fit in the car to my mother when I was very young, because I was afraid she was going to die. I don't know where such a young kid got any of this from.

So let's jump to the past few years. My life has never been great. I've always hated myself. I've always felt like I must be kind of depressed. I have been addicted to several substances. I constantly feel like everyone is out to get me, but it's not in the "aliens are abducting me" way...more that just throughout my life, pretty much every single person and every single situation has fucked me so hard, so thoroughly, and so consistently, that it is an undisputable fact to me that it will happen again, and again, and again, every single time.

When I was 19 or so, I was raped by a woman. People say that can't happen to men, but well, it can, because I didn't want to have sex with her, but she drugged me and did it anyway, and that sounds like fucking rape to me.

Over the past 3 years, I have tried several different therapists and several different psychiatrists, even some of the bullshit greedy mother fuckers who charge $200+ a visit (supposedly some of the "best in the state"). In this time, I have been through over 20 different medications, and have been diagnosed with at least (but not limited to) ADHD, major depressive disorder, "extreme" major depressive disorder (she wanted to prescribe fucking Ketamine?), Bipolar I, Bipolar II, generalized anxiety, social anxiety, PTSD, and C-PTSD.

Something tells me I do not actually have all of those, and with the reliability I've come to expect from the American medical system, something tells me I don't have any of those. No medication I have ever been put on for any of them has ever seemed to do anything except make me gain weight, hate myself more, cause permanent debilitating mental issues, and other miscellaneous shitty unwanted bullshit.

I am constantly miserable. I smoke pot whenever I am not working. Work is the only thing I have ever been able to steadily maintain in my life. I am very good at work, I assume from being forced to overachieve my entire childhood (which I was never congratulated or even rewarded for). Work is, to be precise, the only part of my life that is not a problem. For the rest of my life, smoking is like an instant relief. All of my problems wash away. I can have fun. I can talk to people! I can even kind of enjoy some things. It is the only "medication" that has ever in any way helped me.

I have no love for my mother. I feel absolutely nothing for her. I don't know why. I don't hate her, I just feel nothing for her. I assume there is a basic feeling of "love" you are supposed to feel for a parent. I outright hate my father and we have not spoken in years. Over the past year, I have also gone out of my way to totally destroy every single personal relationship I have ever had. I used to be a hit with girls around my age but since the time I started therapy a few years back I've been totally single.

I've been addicted to a number of substances and I've taken LSD three times because I was sick of the American medical system and read that it worked in some clinical trials. Well that didn't do much and now I'm pretty much right back to where I started.

I am constantly either ridiculously depressed, to the point where I can and have cut myself, although that's mostly under control now. From my childhood there are countless scars on my ankle, I just always cut there. I get a feeling in my gut that "something bad" is going to happen and it always does. I have no friends whatsoever and absolutely nobody I can talk to since I don't trust my mother, so for the past few weeks since getting rid of y last few friends, I have just been sitting in my apartment, alone, jerking off, smoking, and playing video games. I get no enjoyment out of video games for the most part. Weed is the only thing that makes me have even a remote desire to stay on this planet.

I frequently feel like things are "weird" or "unreal". I don't know how to explain that but any definition I've heard of depersonalization, derealization, or dissociation does not fit what I experience. I look at humans and they look like...weird. I mean I know it's a human. I know I'm here and on this planet. But humans are just...weird. We look like aliens or something. It's just weird to me that people look at this and see a person and not some weird freakish monstrosity. That's mostly what people look like to me. I am starting to have a hard time watching porn because I watch it and I'm just like..."This is wrong, sex is wrong, people are weird, this is disgusting". Coming from someone who used to be a player this is very strange.

Then there are the outbursts. I am starting to think I might put myself in danger, because I am totally weak, I have a dad bod, no formal training whatever, no combat experience, not even martial arts or anything, but I keep picking fights. Guy on the road is an asshole, I goad him, flip him off, speed up to drive alongside him. I scream. Loudly. Like my dad used to. Nobody is around to hear it since I have no friends, but I do. Usually on the road. This is new. I used to throw controllers or whatever when I was young but I thought I grew up and got over that. Now it's back and worse than before. I get very mad, especially about injustice. If someone is trying to speed 50 in a 25mph zone for example, or they park like an asshole, I will flip the fuck out for just a few seconds but then that feeling will linger with me all day. Sometimes multiple days. I hate injustice. I hate people who are stupid, and people who are assholes. Usually they go well together. I also hate being patronized. It makes me "dissociate", says one of the many doctors I've been to. I think I am constantly not a part of reality so I'm not sure what dissociation matters.

Sometimes I just sleep all day and all night. I literally just come home from work and sleep until it's time to go to work again. I frequently do not eat, and when I do, I go way the fuck overboard, so I'm overweight, which makes me feel even shitier. I pretty much never leave my house other than to go to work.

I have lost all hope at this point, and actually I have set plans to kill myself when I turn 30 if my mother is no longer alive. I am only waiting because she seems to care about me, although in my mind I can't believe that's not fake too. It's a shame, because I was always considered a very bright young boy and I have a very useful skillset, which helps me at my job but that's about it.

People say oh, you need help, go see someone. But the fact is, I don't know if I'm too smart or what, but these doctors are fucking stupid. They don't understand what I'm trying to explain to them. When I try to explain a feeling, they don't get it. Actually, I would say this is a greater issue, because seriously almost every single person I talk to, ever, totally misinterprets whatever I'm talking about. It's literally like the shit I say or type is not whatever I think I'm saying or typing. It's ridiculously frustrating and it really bothers me because people always think I am mad, arguing something, whatever, when really I'm just responding. And then I try to explain that I'm not mad, and they misinterpret THAT somehow, and now I'm getting fucking pissed just writing this so I'm just going to stop. But having an actual conversation with another human being has at this point become an exercise in futility. And beyond that, I don't own a TV, don't have a Facebook, etc. because I think that shit is poisonous, and I hate small talk and only like talking about things that have meaning, so anyone I do interact with basically thinks I'm an uninteresting idiot.

The only thing I really would like to have is a partner who I could spend my life with but at this point I think that's just a pipe dream, because let's be real, who the fuck would want to put up with the real me? For years now I have been posting personal ads, using dating sites, trying to put on a front and look date-able, but I get very few responses because I am ugly and it's probably just obvious that I am crazy. So I decided I'd start posting ads as the honest, true me, and since then I have not gotten a single response. In my mind this just proves that people hate the real me and the real me is not desirable at all. It makes sense.

So what the fuck is wrong with me? Self loathing. Self destructive behavior. Can't maintain interpersonal relationships. Hates all people and accepts as fact that they will betray and/or lie to him at the first chance that they get. I see shit out of the corner of my eye constantly...I always think someone is there and moving. Nothing I ever act on. And I know it's not real. Blah blah blah. What the fuck is going on in my life? What the fuck is wrong with me? And why won't anybody help me? I have tried to help myself, many many times, and all that does is make shit worse...surprise...because I am a fuck up, I have always been a fuck up, and I will always continue to be a fuck up. I've always been a super ultra go-getter type, but at this point, I fucking give up. I've put in so much effort for so long and not only is there nothing to show for it, the quality of my life has only gotten worse. Sure it's impressive that I've gotten this far with essentially no parenting, but who gives a shit when the life I do live is such shitty quality?

People say oh go outside, get a dog. I don't want to go outside. I hate going outside. I hate going out with groups of people. I don't even want to leave my house to go on a date. But it's not like I'm going to explain that to people. Whatever. My hands hurt. I hate this fucking world and I hate myself.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Also, I fully expect this post to be deleted because I fucked something up, so sorry in advance for whatever I did wrong.

Edited by censer
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I'm sorry...it's always tough when you don't know what the hell is going on. Sometimes meds and therapy ...especially meds...feel like a total shot in the dark. It took me years to find a program that would help me control my mood...especially the constant anger, irritability, and lack of restraint. One thing I would say is that ketamine was actually super helpful for me and it has a pretty good success rate so that doc may not have been totally off base. I feel like some people get lucky in that their symptoms fit exactly in a category and so there is a standard treatment course. Other people kinda get screwed...and like u said the US system leaves a lot to be desired. I hope you can find someone you like to work through those things bothering you. Best of luck! 

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I wish I could. But unless I start driving 30+ minutes just to see a doctor, there is no one around here who is actually compassionate AND takes my insurance. It sucks when you have some of the best insurance possible and these greedy fucks don't take it. And they claim they want to HELP people? Yeah, okay. I'll believe that never.

I will say that the original post is basically a typical "freak out" for me. I guess I just got sick of having nobody to talk to so I came on here to do it instead. I came back to this tab later and almost deleted it, because it seems stupid that I'd write such a thing. But this is what happens...constantly. And doctors don't listen. You know? I can't find a doctor where like, I can write something like this, bring it in and read it. They ask you lists of questions (if psychiatrist) or repeat the same five things (therapists). And it's like, if you'd just let me SHOW you something I wrote, or made, or whatever, when I was in that mood, maybe you would get what is going on. But they don't seem to listen, like that information is useless to them. Then they ask me random questions, like if I'm "paranoid", and I have to ask them to define the word "paranoid" clinically so I make sure I get it right, and they look at me like I'm an idiot or something. I try to explain that the societal definition is different than the clinical one, so I want to make sure I get it right, and they look at me like I have two heads. It's so stupid. Where is the compassion? And you get all that for the low low price of $275 a session, and if you're real lucky you might get reimbursed in three months! I don't know. Sometimes I read this shit and I think I have a mental illness. Sometimes I think I'm just smart and the world is fucking nuts. The fact that I don't want to be this way, can't stop being this way, and it's progressively getting worse, tells me this is a mental illness and not just "being smart".

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It's tough because psychiatrists get royally screwed by the system if they take insurance - which trickles down and makes everyone else get screwed. 

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Posted (edited)

@censer First off, you came to the right place to vent, welcome to CB. I took the time to read your entire post, and I'm sure others here will also. I too, can't seem to make the progress that I want with pdocs and therapists either, nor do I have any close, loyal friends that I can talk or write to. Sometimes all you can do is write it all out and maybe post on a forum, hoping at least someone will understand and you won't feel like a complete alien freak species!

Although I'm not a guy and didn't have the same kind of abusive childhood or parental issues you mention, I hear you and relate to alot of what you are saying and feeling. My first impression is that you have alot of different things going on. Complex. Many of your problems probably stem from the childhood abuse/divorce/relationship stuff, mixed with your daily drug/pot use as a coping mechanism, and overall, it is also affecting you cognitively and socially. I don't know if in your case, it matters that you have all of the precise diagnostic labels. Sounds like you need an intelligent team (therapist and pdoc) that can help you work through this stuff and help you manage the intolerable symptoms that are bringing you down and isolating you.

You express your thoughts and feelings really well. I imagine that you are smart (smarter than your pdocs and therapists). I've been in this situation before. I've been through so much therapy, I play therapist to them - within 20 minutes of talking to them, I can predict their exact responses and what they will say! I get very little out of it, I mainly just use therapy as a sounding board - it does very little. If you are lucky in finding someone that really "gets you" you will be able to gain some new insight from it. It angers me to no end after 20 years of every type of therapy and 30 meds, this depression I have is not in remission. Many days, I go through the motions and I get no pleasure or satisfaction from anything.

I often have days where I just break down, like you and think WTF is wrong with me??? Unfortunately, i don't have an answer, but I completely understand where you are coming from and I know exactly how sh**tty is is to know that you need help & have issues, but cannot access decent support from any "professional". They are indeed craaaaazy expensive and often STUPID. Sure, they managed to get their degree, but who knows, maybe they BARELY PASSED. Lol...Many are so clinical, and lack basic compassion. No wonder kids these days are shooting up schools, they cannot get any kind of mental health support anywhere. In all my years of dealing with this, I just keep chugging..trying new pdocs, new meds, new therapists, reading studies...haven't found any "magic bullet" but I take a bit of learning from every experience as I go along. I try to not beat myself up. I try to stay healthy and keep my mind distracted. Because too much unstructured alone time is Hell for someone dealing with MI.

One tip as far as pdoc/therapy sessions: I now bring in a short "summary" of my 20-year psych history (this is like just a long paragraph of highlights/dates, no more) and a bulleted list of my main symptoms that includes the meds I have been on. This will save time. Every new person I go to, I hand them the list and try to focus the conversation on the here & now (not veering around in confusing directions and taking up the entire 50 mins). They will get lost. Stick to the list and be clear about specific symptoms you have and what you want to achieve (less depression, irritability, social anxiety or whatever). Attack one thing (or symptom) at a time (you will not eradicate all of your symptoms with 1 med or within a month of therapy sessions).

With therapists, the process is much more difficult, depending on the style (CBT, ACT, DBT, analytical) that you need. I prefer a hands-on, problem-solving pro-active approach. Someone that can help me set up a plan and make concrete progress. I hate therapists that just ask you generic questions about childhood, entire past history, blahblah. Every session, I do all of the talking and then leave feeling like the entire thing was completely useless. Like OK - What the Hell can i do about this, I just want to feel better and function like a normal human being!!! Maybe Freudian analysis it's good for someone with absolutely no insight to their neurotic patterns or problems, but people like us, we already have a pretty good picture of what we are struggling with NOW, why drudge up stuff from 30 years ago that we don't even think about anymore? This is just my opinion, everyone has a different preference in therapy.

The fact that you have work to rely on as a productive distraction is good!! Stick with that and little by little you can start building around that. Are there any stimulating hobbies other than video games (music, art, reading, documentary films) that would allow you to enjoy your time alone a bit more? Or a goal you can set for yourself as far as health (like running or doing a workout 3 days per week)? Do you have a routine sleep schedule? At a minimum, these things are crucially important for starters. There is also the pot dependency thing. You are using it to cope and even though its "natural"  it effects your brain, just like any other kind of medication or drug...Anyhow, I hope things get better...keep us posted.

Edited by Blahblah
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Posted (edited)

I also took the time to read your posts and have gone through the same thoughts myself; what the fuck is wrong with me? I think I had some abuse issues in my past which definitely contributed.  I use therapy as a sounding board and it sort of helps.  I had a good psychologist (a student in training- so not expensive) who I clicked well with and who didn't try to be my best friend and maintained a professional and helpful relationship.  I was able to talk about abuse issues with her and I worked on some issues as well.  

I have had a therapist who had poor emotional boundaries and tried to act like my best friend and it was not good.  I just refused to go back to them; there was something off about this person and I am not sure what it was and I don't think I need to worry about it so much either.

I have been through the diagnostic mill; this is my diagnosis in historical order- sort of-  bipolar II mixed episodes, dysthymia, GAD, PTSD, then Social phobia, no bipolar II & adhd, back to some flavour of MDD, social phobia,  some form of Bipolar, then Bipolar II, then depression and social anxiety,  then depression,  then back to bipolar II.  I have settled on bipolar II for the time being.

I have self harmed in my youth;  I did not get on well with my peers at all in my youth.  I did not find therapy helpful at first and my first experience of it was traumatic and not really helpful at first.  And I still feel about only half-way there in terms of being in good mental health.

Edited by wookie
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Hi, it’s nice to meet you.  

Here’s my two cents, a total layperson’s opinion.

i think your father had a personality disorder .... I think you absolutely experienced trauma.  PTSD/C-PTSD.

i suspect your mother was likely abused, too, and she did not or could not protect you from your father (he reminds me of my mother, narcissistic).  I think that may be the reason you hate her.  She didn’t step in.  She coddled you to “make up for it.”

You mentioned substance abuse, player/promiscuity, detached and feeling like you can’t have interpersonal relationships.  You mentioned bursts of anger and road rage, history of self-harm, feeling suicidal.  I think you should be assessed for Borderline Personality Disorder based on your symptoms, and your extremely abusive father and arguably neglectful mother and possibly sexual abuse.   You’ve suffered from so much trauma.  PTSD.  And self-medicating via substance abuse is often comorbid with BPD  and/or:

You may have a mood disorder, too.  Major Depressive Disorder or Bipolar Disorder.  

I could be totally wrong, I’m not a doctor.....so that’s an uneducated, hypothetical guess.  

I hope you feel better   A good psychiatrist and a good therapist can help you,  A psychiatrist specializing in mood disorders, substance abuse, PTSD.  I think a therapist that does DBT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, can help you.  You also need a therapist that works with healing trauma.  I think DBT with some talk therapy is a good start.  

Your PTSD ....healing with the help of a trauma therapist is important.  I’d personally do that “work” when you’re ready.  (I did DBT and now I have a trauma therapist ...I’d figured out where my trauma(s) came from and why...I was scared to address it all until now. Process it, heal and boot it out of my mind....not wanting that baggage.  But my therapist is the one who knows how to help me do that.  It sounds like you may be in the same boat.

Do you think it would be helpful if you went IP for a few days, get to a safe place (help with suicidal/self-harm)?   I hate that question myself, lol, so I feel odd suggesting it.  But your safety is paramount and only you know if you may be in harm’s way.

 

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Posted (edited)

Thank you. Your conclusions are likely the same as mine.

Today at work someone essentially called me "half a person" and I lost it. Then later on someone did something selfish and I couldn't take it. I don't understand how I did not get in trouble because I just started yelling for 5 or 10 minutes about stupid lazy selfish fucks ruining the fucking world and how every idiot should be culled and so on. I think this darkness is finally starting to crawl into my work life, which is the only thing I have left to hold on to. At this point I do consider that I have no friends, family, or support.

I deleted my account but apparently it's still here. I do that a lot. Freak out and delete my accounts. I tried making an account on another site to try talking to people, but I just ended up panicking and going basically psychotic and had to end it. People are stupid and selfish and it frustrates me. Nobody ever shows that they have even a modicum of selflessness. The world literally encourages being selfish and "all about yourself". This world is so cold.

I have essentially determined that I probably have C-PTSD And bipolar. DBT seemed to be working for me but I freaked out and left. I didn't like that I had to record how much I smoked, ordered out, etc. because all it did was make me feel bad, nothing helped to actually stop it. And $200+ dollars per single session and $100+ per group, per week, is absurd (no DBT ever seems to be covered by insurance, and doctors don't give a fuck about you so they don't care since insurance hurts their poor widdle wallets, and then how would they go on vacations on their fucking yachts every 3 months?? :'( ). Plus to be honest I'm pretty certain at this point I am worth nothing to the world, I will never have or sustain a friend or a romantic relationship ever again nor do I have the capacity to trust. So why bother. Might as well just waste away and rot you know?

I tried an outpatient program before and it was really fucking stupid. They were trying to teach me about "ruminating" and shit as if I have a choice, as if I have the mental capacity to actually stop such a thing. I am the most strong-willed person I know, and I also know when something is simply not possible, and I've tried for a long time and it's just not happening. And I had to sit in a room and listen to some dumb fuck talk in a patronizing baby-speak tone about how we "have to stop ruminating on our issues!!!" Like no fucking shit. How about you teach us HOW to do that? No compassion or empathy.

And inpatient/hospitalization just seems to me like basically prison, so I have no desire to do such a thing. What are they going to do to actually help me? What is the pragmatism offered by such a thing that will actually improve my life? I could just heat up the vape and go to town and I will feel much better than any inpatient program could make me feel, PLUS it won't fuck up my job. Whereas if I do inpatient now I have to look unreliable and explain to my boss that I'm a clusterfuck and I'm on track to be promoted to a supervisory position so I don't want to fuck that up. My success (which ultimately I don't care about because money means nothing to me anyway, but whatever) is all I have. So I'm just clinging to it at this point so I can feel "successful".

I made an appointment with the only good psychopharmacologist I've ever known. Absurdly expensive and not covered by my insurance of course, but whatever at this point. Of course I have to wait two fucking months to get in. What a crock of shit. That's so fucking stupid, seriously. Imagine if you had a cold and had to wait 2 months to get in to the GP. By the time you get in, whatever problems you were having right then and there are not even things I can remember anymore. My brain basically just blacks out my life as soon as it happens. I started taking notes every day and using this mood tracker but there's only so much you can do in one session. Also the moods are all the fuck over the place which makes no sense. But I think you're right. I think I have a baseline that's "up" or "down" like Bipolar II, which is what I was originally diagnosed with. But then there are definitely huge triggers that make me want to end it immediately. I totally lose it when certain things happen. I never know when. It just happens. And then I go fucking ballistic. It's never been this bad. Relationships are utterly impossible for me to form or hold. I do not own a TV, use social media, or do anything at all that could expose me to stupidity, because as soon as I see someone acting dumb and uninformed I just want to fucking end myself, because people like this exist, and are making my life shittier in minute ways just by being there. It's like having a kid and you raise them as best as you can, and then some drunk driver hits them and kills them. You tried your hardest, you were a great person, you did a good job, and yet still you are punished and ultimately fail. Why bother existing on a planet where such stupid fucking people exist? It is all objectively guaranteed to go to shit cosmically. Like the Roman empire and everything before it. It's just how the world works. People say it's the experience of living we should be after. This experience fucking sucks.

I haven't been cutting anymore mostly, except for a couple times a few weeks ago, but my new thought is buying a pane of glass and just punching through it. I can only assume I just want attention, but not negative attention, so I wouldn't punch out a window in my apartment or my balcony doors or my car door. I'd buy something, and then break that, so I can keep it totally to myself. Then I'd get all stitched up, and maybe someone would at least be forced to pretend to give a shit about me because it's their job. I don't think I'll do it, probably. But that new thought has been prevalent in my head lately. And then I don't have to die, either, so I don't have to worry about the fact that I'm a giant gaping vagina who can't bring himself to do it. Win win.

I don't sound appreciative from this post but I am very appreciative of your responses. I feel like people might understand here. It just still ultimately feels like a waste of time. It's simply an objective fact that I am better off dead, I just don't have the balls to do it yet. The problem is that I cannot make other people happy. Even if I become "happy" or "satisfied" with my existence, the amount of people I have hurt is countless, and I will continue to hurt those around me, almost entirely against even my own will. I feel that ridding the world of me would be doing them a favor. I will most certainly be burning in hell regardless for all the pain I have caused, so I might as well just get to it. Coupled with the fact that the world is such a shithole, what reason is there not to end it? You know?

Edited by censer
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