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pinkfloydforeverlove

My willpower broke and I'm cutting for the first time in 7 years

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That pretty much sums it up. Well, not really. My therapist says I'm borderline suicidal. I don't really care anymore. I don't care if I live or die. I can't feel much of anything, really. And when I cut for the first time in 7 years, I really felt something that was close to relieving the pain that I feel on the inside. I don't wish this pain on anyone else.  And my family CANNOT find out about this. When my dad found out about it, he simply said I cut myself because I'm crazy. And as for my mom.... Idk. I don't care what she would think. I don't care what my dad would think either. His opinion does not matter to me anymore after the years of emotional abuse he's given me. And as for my brother, he'll just take my knife like he owns the place. No, better that my family know nothing. My life is out of control. Last week I was binge drinking all week and now I'm cutting for the first time since I was 15. I don't know what to do. I KNOW I need help but I don't know who to reach out to...

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If you were able to stop before what was it that helped?

tossing out the knives if you possibly can. I think it helped me to stop by getting rid of mine. And when I wanted to cut it was just that extra moment to not do it, because I didn't have that kind of stuff around.

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It can be helpful to think of it as "I cut for the first time in 7 years" rather than "I am cutting again." This can help you view it as a one-time or brief slip, rather than feeling like have gone back to square one. It also makes the action past tense, something you did and are now moving on. Whereas "am cutting" is open-ended and implies an openness to continuing the action. 

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seconding hiding your knife. i gave mine to a friend when i was not well, and not having it has helped in fighting the urges. it's not foolproof, though. when you're desperate, a lot of things look like tools. i really encourage you to go to every coping strategy you've got in your box. any distractions you've got, or people you can get support from, or things that help the urges pass. there's a lot of lists online (and on here!) for delaying/dismissing the impulse. think about what's going on right now to cause this relapse, and what you can change to try and stop it from happening again. i find it's very easy to self-harm when i've already done it recently -- it's easier to resist when it's been a while. be careful and kind with yourself while you're healing up.

does your tdoc know the extent of how you're feeling? is your pdoc involved? are there any tweaks you can make to your medication? is it possible to see your tdoc more often to help you get through this?

don't tell your family about this if it'll make things worse. do you have any friends that might be able to support you right now? no need to let them know details, but letting them know you're not doing so well right now might be a good way to reach out. low-key socialization can be a godsend, especially if you have someone who can come over and just watch a movie or something with you. even having someone check in on you via text can help.

take care of yourself, pink. this will pass.

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I haven't cut in quite a while, but I just accidentally knocked a glass measuring cup off the counter and it cut my finger as I tried to catch it. Now I am mesmerized by watching the blood run down my arm. It's so peaceful and I'm feeling a release that I haven't felt in several years. 

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