By I'm a Little Broken
I've only been on CrazyBoards for a few days, so I'm sorry if I'm making any serious faux pas here but I kind of just want to rant to some hopefully sympathetic ears.
I wasn't entirely sure which forum to post this in because I could reasonably post in about half of the available options. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, yes, but I've also got a chronic illness with a side of chronic pain, a dash of substance abuse, a handful of child abuse, and some dabbling in both self-injury and theft for good measure.
I'm a miserable human being. My life is fucked up, and I do fucked up things, and I'm not entirely convinced the two are related, but for my own sanity, I'm going to pretend they are. I can't bring myself to do anything anymore. I spend entirely too much time in my bed, knowing that there are things that I need to do but unable to bring myself to actually do any of them. I'm two and a half weeks behind in school (and I'm only taking one, super easy, online class) and that's actually pretty good for me seeing how I've failed the last six classes I've taken because I never fucking do anything. Little things like school aside, my room's a mess and I only have approximately two frozen dinners and a value pack of ramen in my kitchen because I struggle to feed myself. I never have an appetite but when I do eat, I binge because I can't be normal. I also don't have any money because I am awful at managing the little income I have because I can't hold a steady job in the state I'm in. Oh, I also only shower every few days because why the hell would it matter?
In addition to my incompetence at normal life, I'm dealing with chronic pain. I don't know what it is about me that encourages pain to seek me out but it does. I have Crohn's disease, which is a chronic illness that fucks up my intestines and is to blame for the two ugly scars on my stomach and the pain that shows up on nearly a daily basis. I take biweekly (as in, every two weeks) painful injections to prevent major flare ups but pain and nausea are still constant companions. My doctor gave me some anti-nausea meds but he seems largely unimpressed with my complaints of pain. I guess I have narcotic-abusers to thank for that. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand the appeal. I've taken some recreationally before, and they're great (saved what I got after my wisdom-tooth extraction). But I'm not fool enough to abuse meds I need for real pain. I don't need full-blown narcotics. Just something stronger than OTC tylenol (and I actually can't have aspirin or ibuprofen because it aggravates my condition). Not being able to take anti-inflammatories also adds to the fun because I get hurt more than the average person. Right now, I'm in pain because I've minorly sprained my hand but I can't take anything for it without taking something that'll fuck up my stomach. My PCP won't prescribe anything for it. I'm assuming because "I literally cannot take ibuprofen if I don't want to end up in the ER this weekend" sounds like a flimsy excuse to get my hands on pain meds. And people wonder why I'm pro-decriminalization. Of course, this all makes me torn between wallowing in self-pity and feeling guilty, because I know that there's plenty of people who have it worse and I really am privileged in a whole lot of ways. But life just sucks too much sometimes for me to remember to be grateful.
To handle all this, I've used narcotics (as mentioned) but I really just used but a supply I got for my wisdom teeth extraction and my sister's supply because neither of us really needed them at the time so I saved both. I've been prescribed others after ER visits but I only use those for actual pain because I don't want to waste my supply for fun when I know I'll need it for real later. I've avoided self-medicating with alcohol because I've no intention of becoming an alcoholic on top of everything else. I also cut when I was in high school but I haven't, beyond a few occasions, much in the past few years because there's more people in my life that would notice now (namely my boyfriend and my roommate). Also because my mom could kind of be a bitch and now that I don't live with her, I have less instances of being overwhelmed with emotion that I need a fast reprieve from. Now I'm mostly just numbly struggling through basic life. Fun stuff, I know.
I try to keep up appearances because I don't want people to worry, and I'm just so ashamed at how pathetically I'm handling life. My parents think I have a job and I'm doing well in classes (they think I'm actually attending classes instead of just taking an online class). My boyfriend knows a little more, but I lie to him about how I spend my days because he just got a job, a real career job, and I don't want him worried about me. And I don't want to scare him off. He asked me this weekend if I wanted to start looking at rings and I was so excited but then I came back and looked at my mess of an apartment and realized how terrible I'd be as a wife. And to top it all off, I did something absolutely awful. Completely terrible. I stole from him. I hate myself. I had no money in the bank. None. And I won't be getting any until next week. I needed to buy medication, and I can't call my dad for help because he's offline for the next week (he works for the DoD and occasionally has to do that for reasons). Because I was too ashamed to straight up ask for a loan (I have a hard enough time asking Dad for help when I'm desperate), I took a twenty from him wallet. I hate myself and I can't even slip it back in because I used it to buy the prescriptions. I need to tell him but I'm a coward.
For anyone who stuck around to read my rant, thanks. I know it's a mess and I won't blame you if you think I'm an awful person. Don't worry, I know I am. Still, I appreciate a sympathetic ear. Feel free to share about your own shitty life and maybe help me and others feel like we're not alone. I hope this post did that for at least someone. I'm also open to advice, if any veterans of these kinds of things have any to offer.
Again, thanks for reading. At the very least, it helps to have this off my chest.
I hadn't had issues in so long I was convinced it was just a shitty childhood chalked up to not so great parents, and bad choices in friends. Life was so good for so long I honestly believed I was normal. then THIS SHIT hit out of the blue 1.5 yrs ago for no reason. I have 2 little kids. I should be enjoying them. I try, I honestly try my hardest. I really honestly do. But right now, Im sitting in the corner choking back tears that have been on the verge of falling ALL DAY while they watch another episode of ninja turtles. I should be playing in the floor with them, or making all sorts of Christmas crafts with them. I cant help but think Im failing them and becoming another not so great parent myself because of "THIS" I used to be better. I was. I still remember being a better mother. And some days I can be that mom, but not near as much as I wish I could. DAMN THIS. I cant live with this fucking shit every damn day. where the hell did it come from and why the hell did it think it could just walk right in and make itself home here with me? It has come in and robbed me of my love for my husband. Makes me feel like leaving my perfectly good loving husband. Makes me doubt my abilities to be a good mother. Sucks my motivations to do just about anything. Then gives me a brief few day window that things are looking good. to suck it away again. UGHHHH..
Some days im so irritable, im irritated at myself. Im so angry, Im angry at the world. Im so depressed, I dont want to go on(thankfully my babies keep me going) So anxious, i could crawl out of my own skin. Then some days I could sing from the rooftops, I have the patience of a saint, Im super bubbly. Days in between are mostly just blah
Unfortunately even on good days i still have lingering feelings in the back of my head of leaving my husband. Not like divorce. I don't want that at all, cause he is an amazing father and husband despite my feelings. Just want to move in with my parents for awhile or something which is weird....
I just wish this all would go away.
I'm very annoyed because I had an extremely long post I just wrote and it just got deleted. So I'll make this shorter cause I still feel the need to rant. My boyfriend has a friend he met on the set of an small independent movie he is in. The girl is 16 and is his co-star. When I first met her I got a strange vibe about her but I thought I was just being stupid. She became friends with my boyfriend especially because she was a self harmer and he had also been a self harmer. My boyfriend became her therapist of sorts. He is like this to a lot of people. They call him when they are crying or upset. And he really bad for her because she said she had, had a abusive boyfriend, a crappy home life, all her friends left her, during the summer she had been sexually assaulted.And I felt really bad for her too and I canceled plans multiple times so my boyfriend could comfort her. Anyway I through the summer I started to dislike her. For clarity shake I'm going to use bullet points.
Reasons I began to dislike her.
Every day there was another extremely dramatic event that happened to her. None of which were ever her fault. She would call my boyfriend every night in the middle of the night with another problem. She had a new boyfriend every week that she would declare her love for. She would then dump them and date a new person two days later. (Not exaggerating.) She then whined about having to see her ex's (She had some many by the end of the summer it was inevitable) and complained about how they didn't like her. She had a crush on my boyfriend. Which is fine. I didn't care, a lot of people develop a crush on my boyfriend. But she was extremely immature about it. She would mope about it and told my boyfriend that it made her depressed when he posted pictures of us on facebook. She was immature and would steal his sweatshirts and stuff and refuse to give it back and send him pictures asking if she could keep it and stuff. My boyfriend comforts a lot of people, but every time he was with her he would be visibly more depressed, upset and stressed. I feel horrible for saying this as someone who was a self harmer. But, she was extremely attention seeking in her self harm behaviors. She would cut in very obvious spots, and then show them off. She made no attempt to hide her self harm and seemed to almost brag about it, posting on social media and stuff about it. She would use her self harm as a threat. She once self harmed with my boyfriend on the phone. She told him she was doing it. She seemed to self diagnose herself with a lot of issues. One week she was bipolar, borderline, PTSD, etc. She said she started to hallucinate, no one around her believed her. None of her depictions seem like hallucinations, and even her friends, who were trying to help her said that she seemed to be faking it. When another cast mate who had been extremely helpful and nice to her told her about some of his problems she responded with "Yeah, that's nice, whatever." She was the victim in everything. Nothing was ever her fault and she never took responsibility. Everyone was out to get her. Everything about her was "Poor me, pity me and how messed up I am." She also had this attitude that she has the most problems out of everyone. She treated everyone else's problems as if it was some sort of competition.
There were a lot more but I forgot when the post got erased. Through all of this I didn't hate her and still felt that she was a girl who although might be a little melodramatic, was a 16 year old girl who had a lot of issues. And I couldn't fault her for that. I felt like she was not intentionally malicious. And then, about a month of 2 ago she was with my boyfriend and they were talking. She got mad for whatever reason (not at him.) and she pushed him against the wall he was leaning against, punched him, and then wrapped her hands around his throat and choked him. She left bruises on his neck. She then backed away, never apologized or acknowledged what happened.
Then on Saturday after not seeing each other for a while they had to go do something for the movie. My boyfriend forgot his script in his dorm and she walked with him to go back and get it. When they got into his dorm she pulled on his tie and kissed him. He pushed her away, she got angry and pushed him into his bedpost and punched him in the sides and stomach multiple times. She technically apologized after this, but it wasn't really sincere. She said she just lost her temper and tried to lean her head against his chest.
I really gave this girl the benefit of the doubt, but I honestly think that she is an absolute brat. I know that some bad things have happened to her, and I'm sorry for that, but it is not an excuse for physical violence. She doesn't think she did anything wrong, and has continuously crossed boundaries with my boyfriend and then played dumb. She has never cared about him or any of the things that he is struggling with. She seems to screw over anyone who tries to help her. I have a feeling that her having a break with her friends was not purely there fault if this is how she treats the people who try to be her friend. My boyfriend and his other cast mates, who all were extremely sympathetic to her, are starting not to like her as she begins to treat them like crap. She seems not to be trustworthy or truthful, and no one can trusts what she says. She's not the innocent blameless victim that she makes herself to be. She is a little brat who honestly seeks attention from everyone and tells everyone she meets about her life story and is immature and melodramatic. Every single week some new traumatic event happens to her. She see's her ex in the hallway and turns in into this traumatic event and will go on about it for hours. Poor her, poor her, poor her.
Honestly I think she does need some help, and I hope she gets the help she needs. But on top of that I think she is an absolute brat, and she needs to leave my boyfriend alone. My boyfriend has been nothing but nice to her. He has been on the phone with her for hours, come to her house when she is upset, he has cancelled plans and dropped everything for her because she makes everything seem so urgent. He has been nothing but sweet and went above and beyond for her which she never deserved in the first place. She has no right to treat my boyfriend this way. And if she ever touches him ever again I swear I'm going to tell her how horrible she has been to him and make her cry and she won't ever go near him ever again.
Sorry, that is my rant. I know it's mean. But no one hurts my boyfriend.
So I moved apartment. And got admitted for a month due to the stress of that. I have a small kid, so a month is reeeeally long in my world (not to mention hers!). And, obviously, I had to change doctors. My new doctor is actually really nice, though. She seems to trust my judgement (as I've never gone untreated or done wildly dangerous things) and that my own opinion and/or general happyness is more valid than her immediate professional thoughts - which I DO listen to.
But in DK it's not a doc that's responsible most of the time. We each get some sort of nurse who's the one to listen to our rants and give us advice that isn't strictly medical (it sounds like a lot of you guys mainly talk to your docs anyway). And this woman... Her name is so stupid, she looks like she took fashion advice from the early nineties and made it less flattering (the tigthest tigths (in weird patterns) I've ever seen on a woman who is by no means slim), her office is decorated with this giant, jolly-looking wooden cat in weird colours, and she places her bike helmet on its head.
The first time I met her she told me about herself in that weird, third-persony way "The thing about me is, I'm just a really grounded person? Like, I really feel like I'm stable and able to listen to others problems? I just enjoy being there for the mentally fragile? I think I have some insight?"
And then ... when I called her to ask for help or a referral to my actual doctor after I couldn't breathe from 600 mgs of seroquel, and I was telling her how scared I was and how I was worried I'd get psychotic again if I stopped taking the meds but that two and a half hours of gasping for breath and calling hospitals was not something I wanted to play around with some more ... then she told me - without talking to my doc!!!- that I should just give it another go. "If you hadn't been able to breathe you'd have been dead," she told me in that girly, happy voice of hers. As if it matters HOW I phrase it when the thing is that I lost all sensation in my arms and legs for a while before I could suddenly breathe again. And not only did she say that: she repeated it! Twice more!!
My doc hadn't heard of extreme shortness of breath with seroquel before, but when I told her that I'd found some people online who had experienced the same she actually took me seriously and told me to ease out of the meds asap - even though there's no more meds left for me to try execpt to start the old fashioned kind. My nurse just sat there, staring off into space with a tiny smile on her lips.
I've had an appointment with her once after that. She did what she apparently always does: asks me yes/no questions, stares at the wall behind me and tells me it's fine for me to leave after ten minutes since "you so quiet! Is that normal for you?"
The worst thing is I think she's scared of me! I have NO idea why she would be scared, but her body language and face is just ... fear. I honestly have never been in any way violent or even mean, in fact I'm a total doormat. I dress funny, in dark colours and with a lot of dark makeup, and I tend to just sit there and stare and not talk becaus eshe never asks me anything that matters. But even just the fact that my silence combined with mental illness is enough to SCARE her! People turn into idiots when they're scared! I can't know how she'll react if she thinks I'm dangerous!
Though TBH I might have seemed angry the last time I met her. She waltzed in telling me about this GREEEAT seminar she'd just been to and how great it was, did I know that, that about 20 % of schizophrenia patients get completely well and live normal, happy lives without symptoms. "So that looks really great for you! Wouldn't you like to get well?"
And, yes, obviously (I'd think) I want to get well!! I want to be a better mom, I want to go back to school! I want a job! I want to go and buy milk without getting overwhelmed by fear and depression! I want to be normal!! But first of all 20 % isn't exactly promising. Second of all as far as I understand that's usually the people who have one or very few psychotic episodes and who're already pretty well five years after their first one. I'm NOT encouraged by that statistic!! And it CERTAINLY isn't NEWS to me! Seriously? You talk about being in this field for twenty years and the idea that schizos sometimes get better is NEW to you?!?!??
And just why would you assume that I don't want to get well OR reveal how you haven't read my journal at all in such an obvious way??? ARG! Fuck off!
So I've been meaning to call the place where she works and asking about their procedures for getting a new nurse assigned to you. I have NO trust in that woman. I have NO idea how she has not been kicked out yet. I've had (very minor) psychotic episodes that, becouse of her, no one knows about, because I cannot get myself to call her again. But the last time I called no one picked up, and it takes me a LOT of mental work to even just pick up the phone let alone talk to someone, not to mention say negative things about a person that they know. Urgh.
It was SOOO good to get that out of my system. Now that I remember why I'm calling and why she deserves to risk finding out just how incompetent I find her I think I can pick up the phone again. Thanks and my apologie sto anyone reading all of this. I really needed to vent.
So when I was released from IP all of my psychotic symptoms disappeared. I am blessed to say, they still are. I am sure you have seen my posts about how zyprexa is helping my ocd, in reality, its not. My parents are at their wits end on listening to my obsessions all day every day, and I am exhausted too.
The reason I posted in the BP section is the only option left for treating my OCD are AD's. I have SZA- Bipolar I type. I am concerned about causing a mania or depressive episode.
But I am doing so terrible with my OCD. I only just noticed since others are telling me how bad it is.
My obsessions are frequent. Once I finally (cheers) get rid of one or solve one, another freakin obsession appears.
So anywhere you read that zyprexa works great or my ocd is cured kind of posts from me, they are false because I now realize how bad I am doing.
I see my Pdoc Monday. Hopefully she will prescribe Luvox.