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xanathos

Treatmeant resistant ? Also, thoughts. From a scale of red to blue where is stress?

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I think I am slipping. My days and nights have been switched. I am sleeping a lot less more often than not, or sleeping a normal amount at times but during the day.

I do not feel elated, but I struggle to remember my mood stabilizer. I take it more often than not, though. I am extremely afraid of taking a double dose, so when that happens I will skip the dose (if I don't know if I took the dose). This can be solved with a blister pack, but I find that is too bulky.

I feel split, but not in any personality ("alters") way. (I do not have DID or anything). I jump from "this is real," to "is it?" On a reality level and an unreality (derealization) level. In the moment, it's 100%, outside of it, anywhere from 75/25 to 50/50. I feel like there are breadcrumbs of truth that this world is a simulation/a lie, that entities really do run it, and they constantly punish me. And still, conveying this to anyone IRL is tough because I get nervous and smile, almost embarrassed/anxious of their reaction. It makes it seem like I am joking. The embarrassment stems from both the fact I KNOW this causes silent alarms to go off and make me seem off, but also because if I'm actually off... then it's embarrassing to be so. So much ambivalence and conflicting feelings/thoughts. Moreover, why can I not smile when it is an ACTUAL good/funny/etc thing, and only smile out of nervousness?

Does the fact I am on 3 antipsychotics (2 depot injections and 1 PRN which I fail to recognise when to take it) and still getting residual/breakthrough symptoms make me treatment resistant, despite my schizoaffective not being utterly severe? (though I fail to function... but function better now than before). This is as much as meds have ever worked, with this combo. I spent a good 4-6 months psychosis free (or less), but then it went back to the old baseline. Oddly enough it was moonths after I popped the question as to whether or not I was "in remission." Even my doctor told me I am small time crazy, which I can understand given some are far worse. For example, I at times believe I am infamous (in its most basic definition... everyone knows me for my bad reputation), but not a famous celebrity or infamous like Al Capone.

Stress has caused me much problems. The manifestations of stress cause me more stress and then they get worse, in an endless loop.

And I am questioning, am I really a schizophrenic? (schizoaffective edition), or am I an oracle? Or, is there not yet a name for what's actually wrong, if any? What if BPD is just a normal reaction to trauma, and trauma makes a person more clairvoyant? Westernism isn't inherently beneficial, but spiritual components can equally be misleading.

the truth lays between sciences and spirituality. On either ends of the spectrum, there is a loss of truth. One reality alone doesn't make reality, all realities do. My friends get me more and more, and one friend that may or may not have been replaced with a nonperson says they fully understand now (and now they're trapped on a psychosis ward).

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13 hours ago, xanathos said:

And I am questioning, am I really a schizophrenic? (schizoaffective edition), or am I an oracle? Or, is there not yet a name for what's actually wrong, if any? What if BPD is just a normal reaction to trauma, and trauma makes a person more clairvoyant? Westernism isn't inherently beneficial, but spiritual components can equally be misleading.

the truth lays between sciences and spirituality. On either ends of the spectrum, there is a loss of truth. One reality alone doesn't make reality, all realities do. My friends get me more and more, and one friend that may or may not have been replaced with a nonperson says they fully understand now (and now they're trapped on a psychosis ward).

This hit me where I live.  I've had trouble coping with my schizoaffective (bipolar type) diagnosis for two years or so, and deep down I know that my doctor is right, but I wonder why she didn't change my official diagnosis in the paperwork - whether it's truly schizoaffective or if it's something else there isn't a name for yet.  I put things together and see things that other people don't, and while I don't think that makes me better or prophetic, I know damn well it makes me something else, something different and strange and not in line with how this shit is supposed to work.

I'm glad you have friends that begin to understand you.  I've lost all but a few of mine because they could not, and would not accept what I am or what I've mutated into anymore.  Only my husband and a few others remain, and my husband lingers because he sees some of the same things I see, even if he doesn't have words for it.  (On my bad days, I believe his near-death experience as a child replaced him with something else, and that the 'something' he is filled with is my true partner in this, and the only persona of his I've ever known - but I love him/it whatever it is.)  Rationally, I realize he could just be playing along, or that this is some kind of fucked up folie a deux, but knowing that rationally doesn't change what my head is telling me, and it never does about anything at all.

Subjective reality takes strange shapes for people like us, shapes that are difficult for a normal brain to realize or understand.  While I deeply believe this is why I became a writer and why I study magic (even on my stable days I'm convinced that change occurs in accordance with human will), I wonder how much of this is a legitimate experience and how much of this is just the snakes in my head making noise.  I find myself wondering where my subjective reality ends and where the hard, underlying objective reality begins.  I also wonder how any of that relates to the thread-pullers in our reality, or whether it does at all.  I feel I've had confirmation, serious confirmation of the simulation-nature of our reality and little easter eggs are left here and there to remind me of it, and when I see them it's like a terrible, earth-shattering, fearsome, horrifying, profound wave that sweeps me along for a while.  I feel I can't tell anyone else, because it would potentially draw the attention of those thread-pullers to them and make their lives difficult.

On a functional, more practical note:  Index cards help me remember what I've taken and what I haven't.  Set an index card underneath each of your bottles labeled with dates, and cross each out as you take them.  It's a system that keeps me from over- or under-dosing, and kills the anxiety associated with taking my meds on the schedule I need to take them.  It also gives a sense of accomplishment as more and more dates are crossed out on each little card.  It's a small 'win' at the start of the day that I've discovered I need, and maybe you do too.

If you are feeling disconnected, and I know you've already thought of this but it might help to hear it from someone else, find something that will give you those connective threads again.  Our reality being what it is, you need to be connected to it, even if you wonder if reality is 'real'.  Whether it is truly real or not doesn't actually matter, because regardless of its 'realness', we both have to live in it.  This is our theater, and we are at our best when we are part of the play, even if we are aware it is just a play.  Do something that engages you and reconnects you to the script.  Make something with your hands, write something with your mind and your words, do something, anything that keeps your mind occupied on just one thing for a little while.  It helps, it really does.

If you need to talk, I'm listening.

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weekly pill containers. i get them filled oftentimes for me.

i'm struggling right now with whether i'm "that" type of schizophrenic (i am...a lot of types that suck. but i have been paranoid and/or disorganized types most often.) and it sucks. 

but i do agree with the above. rely on your tethers to this world and find more of them if you can. invest in something. anything. hopefully something that gives you peace.

xx

-melli

oh, and i have found if you can stick with clozaril long enough at high enough a dosage, it'll work. but everything in my being tells me to discontinue and i so often have. so that's where my treatment resistance comes into play. i have to take more to get the same effect.

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@Iceberg

It's unusual but I am on 2 depot antipsychotics (abilify maintena and invega trinza) and loxapine as a PRN.

@Bad Haiku

I totally feel you entirely and I study magic as well.

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On 11/05/2018 at 3:25 PM, Iceberg said:

Have u ever tried clozaril? 

My pdoc wont put me on it because its known to cause substantial weight gain n my meds gained me over 100lbs

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On 5/10/2018 at 10:02 AM, xanathos said:

 

I totally feel you entirely and I study magic as well.

 

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On 5/12/2018 at 1:05 PM, xanathos said:

My pdoc wont put me on it because its known to cause substantial weight gain n my meds gained me over 100lbs

it's possible not to gain weight on clozaril. i don't tend to gain weight on meds generally, but that includes clozaril and zyprexa--two meds that often end up with weight gain. i'm not saying you should or shouldn't try it, but that it's possible it could work and you can avoid the weight gain.

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Posted (edited)
On 5/15/2018 at 9:54 PM, mellifluous said:

it's possible not to gain weight on clozaril. i don't tend to gain weight on meds generally, but that includes clozaril and zyprexa--two meds that often end up with weight gain. i'm not saying you should or shouldn't try it, but that it's possible it could work and you can avoid the weight gain.

I'm really sensitive to weight gain it seems, most APs make me gain weight.

My pdoc says that stress and anxiety are making things worse, that I am still doing well. I can see where hes coming from considering I'm not where I used to be, but I'm still struggling. It's hard to change meds now because I am much better than before, and even though I'm struggling it could be so much worse in between switching. I see my pdoc on May 23rd

I need to remain on a depot because I forget meds often, no matter what reminders I have.

I have been getting thoughts put in my head to go to the ER but that's a step backwards and I feel like they're going to trap me that way/torture me more if I do.

Edited by xanathos
additional info

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