I kind of made this account on a whim at 3 in the morning on a thursday but i guess i just want to rant
Ive been clean for about two years no sometimes i did little things to hurt myself but nothing i never considered that """self harm""" i guess because i couldnt get in trouble for it// I relapsed for real last weekend and while i was doing it i liked it and it "took me back" i guess// But now i regret it so much, the florida summer is not forgiving and ive been wearing thick crewnecks every day// i forgot how much the aftermath sucked but i still want to do it again// Ive been seeking out triggering content nearly every day stuff on instagram mostly// Its not helping and im getting more depressed every day// I was supposed to hang out with my friend before he left for Europe but i canceled because i was so anxious to leave the house also to go to his house alone// Ive been canceling plans a week in advance, that ive had planned for weeks// i left my house yesterday to go the mall and wondered around for 2 hours alone// mostly this is a rant about how shitty ive been feeling for the past week. sorry// probably never going to post again idk
Recently I had a bought of noise that I wasn't able to fight off well due to being distracted by a personal issue. Of course, the reason I lost footing in the first place was because of the mildly stressful issue.
What I am wondering, is if there is a better way to distract the voices.
I am usually able to mute them by using foundational logic to win. But, when something has me questioning my beliefs in my choices and actions (which is irritatingly easy to do), I am at their mercy. I used to have 'good' voices that would hold my body back from doing anything physically because of the 'bad' voices. I had cleaned them all out a while back while trying to get better. This has left me openly exposed for these sudden surprise attacks on my sanity. I don't want to rely on 'good' voices anymore. This has been used against me in the past for me to psychologically manipulate myself into living how I wanted to myself to live. I hated that. It wasn't only me manipulating myself. It was crazy. I don't even know if it was me doing that to myself or if it was one of the 'bad' voices in particular who had a name. I don't want to believe that he could do that, so I try to say it was myself. It would be impossible for it to be myself manipulating myself... But, this is currently the only way I can move on until I can find actual help.
Sorry about that weird spiral. Yesterday I scratched the word "mistake" into my arm while arguing with the voices and coming up at loss in the battle for a while. While in conversation, I am lost in thought fighting, when I lose something else can get control of my body. I forgot to have a notepad and pencil ready. They so want to make their mark on reality that they will carve their words onto or into anything. I've put up quite a few psychological stops over the years that prevented self harm, but a lot of those were linked to the 'good' voices who would battle with positive noise against the negative noise. One of the other stops I've made is the use of the cyrillic alphabet instead of the latin alphabet with any written discussion having to do with my voices so that they are forced to translate the letters over. This means the word "mistake" was scratched into my arm in cyrillic letters. This used to slow the majority of them down, but not anymore. I've also forgotten the numb feeling and the weird sensation gotten by pain that makes it through the haze, because it no longer registers as pain. I used to use the boiling frog hot water method as a means for pain management due to a chronic condition. Either that or hot wax. I have forgotten all of these important things until now as I write this. It makes me feel pretty stupid for forgetting all of this and getting so comfy thinking I was getting better.
There has got to be a better way to distract the voices and win than to rely on honing 'good' voices. I don't want to rely on voices to fight voices when I am powerless. I want to find a physical means, something more real to help.
By X Anime Lover X
Ok let’s get started, so I have a crush on a boy in my year.
I like him a lot but I can’t find any ways to get close to him. He is normally surrounded by people and I get embarrassed. I also get sad when I haven’t said anything to them at least once a day. Even a small ‘hi’ helps.
The only time they are alone is when they are walking home. I could walk home and walk with him but there’s these problems:
1) My dad picks us up since he is a stay at home dad. By us I mean me and my brother.
2) The way he walks is different to how I would, so I would have to figure out a way but I’m willing too.
I’m going to try and walk home with him. I’ll use my phone as a map then once we have walked close enough I can say I’ve accidentally went the wrong way. Since it will be random how I’m suddenly walking with him I’ll make sure to say a reason why.
Thank you and does anyone have any advice?
Can anyone ( @Velvet Elvis or @Cerberus or @crazynotstupid maybe if you remember me) please change this account I just created so I can get HaloGirl66 back as a username and "Inmate Emeritus" title. I don't care about my post count or all that jazz. and I just spent forever trying to set this up.
I had spent the other day trying to recover the email for the previous account but i don't think I have that email addy anymore (kresge.org or wayne.org maybe). I tried my hotmail and gmail and that didn't seem to work, But I figured having a dedicated account for this anyway. TIA if anyone can assist. Below is a screengrab of my old profile.