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snakes

Not sure what my question is

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I am having a lot of problems. I am enrolled in a mental health program, and I (finally) see the psychiatrist in 2 weeks, but I am basically holding on my a thread until then, because it feels like my only hope. 

I'm 34 and I still have no real diagnosis, because I've never been able to access medical care for long enough to get one. The current tentative one is Bipolar II with Eating Disorder in remission, but I've been given ADHD, GAD, OCD, OCPD, MDD in the past, plus Gender Dysphoria and some autoimmune activity as well. Also pretty deep poverty.

I am cripplingly depressed and dysfunctional. I've had repeated "bad periods" of my life, where I'll be previously be "neurotic but stable", but then start slipping downwards into complete non-function. When this happens I usually lose my job and my partner, and more than once my home and most of my personal possessions -- this has happened over and over. This current "bad period" started last summer, where I just started to feel a little more tired, but now I've had to drop out of everything in life since can barely leave the house, am increasingly suicidal. The only reason I'm not homeless this time is a family member stepped in to help my bills (which no one has ever done before). And the ED is starting to resurface after many years in remission because I literally can't afford to buy food and don't qualify for state assistance. 

Some days I have overwhelming depression and hopelessness and can barely get out of bed. Some days I feel constant looming terror like something bad will happen and I'm afraid to leave my room. Some days I seem to be emotionally all over place. Some days I feel completely groggy, like my head is in a fog, and have difficulty making sentences or even playing solitaire. As far as I can see all of this is totally random and happens for no reason. However -- and this is big -- from the outside most people see nothing wrong. I'm never "sick enough" to have an "excuse" for my problems. 

I've had several different brief periods with talk-therapy, usually 6 months max, and I hate them because they've never seemed to do anything beneficial. I talk about my feelings and do whatever little "tips" they tell me and then go home and nothing is changed. Currently I'm supposed to be doing "affirmations" (yet again) but I simply cannot -- they say that negative self-talk is "a self-fulfilling prophesy", but the fact is I didn't have negative self-talk when I was younger and first having problems. Every evidence of my adult life shows that I fail out of everything and can't function as an adult. I have zero confidence in myself because I have zero evidence of capability. I feel defective. 

My mom and some other people are pushing me to get disability, but I've tried to tell them I don't even have a diagnosis -- being a dysfunctional loser isn't a legal disability. They are also pinning a lot of hopes on the Psychiatrist, as if taking a pill is the solution to all problems instantaneously. I know it doesn't work that way, because even if they put me on the "right" meds the first time around, they don't start working right away anyway. I'm enrolled in college but I am barely hanging on, and I don't know if my problems are going to get better fast enough to avoid getting kicked out. And if I lose that, I have absolutely nothing left in life. 

I just wish I had an "explanation", and some "validation", but it feels like most people think that even if I do have genuine problems, they aren't actually bad enough to explain my dysfunctional life. 

So I don't know what I'm asking or what kind of support I need right now.

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1 hour ago, snakes said:

I am having a lot of problems. I am enrolled in a mental health program, and I (finally) see the psychiatrist in 2 weeks, but I am basically holding on my a thread until then, because it feels like my only hope. 

I was here some months ago. Hang on it can get better

1 hour ago, snakes said:

I'm 34 and I still have no real diagnosis, because I've never been able to access medical care for long enough to get one. The current tentative one is Bipolar II with Eating Disorder in remission, but I've been given ADHD, GAD, OCD, OCPD, MDD in the past, plus Gender Dysphoria and some autoimmune activity as well. Also pretty deep poverty.

I still don’t have a definitive diagnosis. That’s ok. Worry about treating your symptoms not your diagnosis!

1 hour ago, snakes said:

I am cripplingly depressed and dysfunctional. I've had repeated "bad periods" of my life, where I'll be previously be "neurotic but stable", but then start slipping downwards into complete non-function. When this happens I usually lose my job and my partner, and more than once my home and most of my personal possessions -- this has happened over and over. This current "bad period" started last summer, where I just started to feel a little more tired, but now I've had to drop out of everything in life since can barely leave the house, am increasingly suicidal. The only reason I'm not homeless this time is a family member stepped in to help my bills (which no one has ever done before). And the ED is starting to resurface after many years in remission because I literally can't afford to buy food and don't qualify for state assistance. 

Some days I have overwhelming depression and hopelessness and can barely get out of bed. Some days I feel constant looming terror like something bad will happen and I'm afraid to leave my room. Some days I seem to be emotionally all over place. Some days I feel completely groggy, like my head is in a fog, and have difficulty making sentences or even playing solitaire. As far as I can see all of this is totally random and happens for no reason. However -- and this is big -- from the outside most people see nothing wrong. I'm never "sick enough" to have an "excuse" for my problems. 

I've had several different brief periods with talk-therapy, usually 6 months max, and I hate them because they've never seemed to do anything beneficial. I talk about my feelings and do whatever little "tips" they tell me and then go home and nothing is changed. Currently I'm supposed to be doing "affirmations" (yet again) but I simply cannot -- they say that negative self-talk is "a self-fulfilling prophesy", but the fact is I didn't have negative self-talk when I was younger and first having problems. Every evidence of my adult life shows that I fail out of everything and can't function as an adult. I have zero confidence in myself because I have zero evidence of capability. I feel defective. 

My mom and some other people are pushing me to get disability, but I've tried to tell them I don't even have a diagnosis -- being a dysfunctional loser isn't a legal disability. They are also pinning a lot of hopes on the Psychiatrist, as if taking a pill is the solution to all problems instantaneously. I know it doesn't work that way, because even if they put me on the "right" meds the first time around, they don't start working right away anyway. I'm enrolled in college but I am barely hanging on, and I don't know if my problems are going to get better fast enough to avoid getting kicked out. And if I lose that, I have absolutely nothing left in life. 

I just wish I had an "explanation", and some "validation", but it feels like most people think that even if I do have genuine problems, they aren't actually bad enough to explain my dysfunctional life. 

So I don't know what I'm asking or what kind of support I need right now.

Look. Hang in there help is coming. I know that’s Hard to see right now. But the mental health programs are there to help you. The meds do you take time to work but they can start sooner than you think. There is help out there. It’s a process and it takes time. This board can be very helpful. Hang in there keep posting and lean on people here if you need to

 

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On 6/7/2018 at 4:01 PM, looking for answers said:

I still don’t have a definitive diagnosis. That’s ok. Worry about treating your symptoms not your diagnosis!

I gotta disagree. I've been trying to treat symptoms for years, with nothing really working or lasting. I don't really know how to approach my problems if I don't even know what's wrong. It also doesn't help my financial issues to be without one....because it means "nothing is wrong". 

But...hopefully the pdoc will start sorting it out.

On 6/7/2018 at 4:01 PM, looking for answers said:

Look. Hang in there help is coming. I know that’s Hard to see right now. But the mental health programs are there to help you. The meds do you take time to work but they can start sooner than you think. There is help out there. It’s a process and it takes time. This board can be very helpful. Hang in there keep posting and lean on people here if you need to

Certainly trying to, thank you.

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2 hours ago, snakes said:

I gotta disagree. I've been trying to treat symptoms for years, with nothing really working or lasting. I don't really know how to approach my problems if I don't even know what's wrong. It also doesn't help my financial issues to be without one....because it means "nothing is wrong". 

But...hopefully the pdoc will start sorting it out.

Certainly trying to, thank you.

i had the same issue, sometimes it takes way too long i hope new pdoc is good for you

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I'm not sure what this is, or why it scared me, and I've got a few more to think about posting, but I'm just gonna ask about this one for now. I was at a buddy's house until about 1130 at night, and had walked out the door to my car. I realized I forgot to tell him something, so I went back to the door, and he had locked it, so I knocked on the door. All the lights in his house were off when he came to the door. I looked at where the sound of the door was opening through the screen/glass door and saw someone standing there. It scared the hell out of me because it wasn't who I was expecting to see, because it felt like I had never seen this person before in my life, but they are staring right back at me. After a good second, I realized I was looking at my own reflection, but I didn't recognize myself. I don't know what this scared me so bad, but it did. Can anyone help me understand this? I was dealing with a worse state of depression at the time, and had some other wonderful kicks while I was down at the time.

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