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PapasFritas

inner turmoil and the drive to self-destruct

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I haven't been formally diagnosed with Borderline PD, but what I am experiencing seems similar to the symptoms I see described, so I hope I can post here to see if anyone can relate to my experience.

Nothing is logically apparently wrong with my outer life. I have a girlfriend, and good job, and two wonderful boys.

But I have long suffered from depression and anxiety, severely at times. I'm relatively stable at this point.

But I have a restless, dissatisfied, frustrated core in my soul which cries out for relief. Its drive is to break through my superficial appearance of peacefulness and call attention to my pain in a dramatic manner. Outbursts, substance abuse, personal property destruction, job abandonment, dramatic attempts at securing attention and pity are all inner drives which this "demon" longs to bring to the surface. 

I have begun recently with Prozac. It does quiet the inner turmoil somewhat, but it feels like a thin barrier that could be broken through quite easily. Emotions are muzzled, which is unpleasant in its own way. It's an internal battle between the demon and antidepressant chemistry.

As Peter Frampton would say, do you feel like I do? What is your strategy for handling these moments?

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Sometimes I find DBT helpful (often more so than I'd like to admit). I also tend to find it helpful to go online to boards and forums like this one and vent for a while. Getting it out in a way that allows for positive feedback seems to help me.

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I feel exactly as you do. My whole life feels like it's been one huge theater show with no audience. I have been stable lately, and have been in the past for long periods of time, and I am on Prozac too. But...there's always a part of me deep down that knows I will never be happy with life. It's the same inner turmoil you speak of. I handle it by acknowledging those feelings, and moving on. I wish there was more to it, but that's how I (mostly) cope. You need a healthy medium to express your turmoil, it can be literally anything you want. In the end, I see life as a looney nihilistic cartoon, so I mostly just laugh at how bad life has been. It sounds psychotic but I am surviving and mostly happy. I hope you can find some peace.

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i think there's something to be said for holding on to that last sliver of humor...even if it's a grumpy cynical humor, you must also have a place/space where you can express yourself or vent- negative emotions and all. I find writing things i'm worried or pissed about when I'm angry really helps. It channels your energy and (for me at least) keeps me from doing something impulsive, stupid or yelling at someone. Sometimes just posting here and having someone relate can take the edge off.

I also recommend DBT. It gives you specific tools and practices that help regulate intense emotions. If not a group, then buy the workbook by Marsha L.

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