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To what extent is control a theme in your life?

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I'm noticing all the ways in which control plays a huge theme in my life. Currently I have been experiencing mortal salience, and I feel the need to be in control of my deterioration/death. This is part of the reason why I started purging again. I don't condone my behaviours, just stating a fact. 

Even authority makes me rebel, for example. It is connected to a lot.

I don't know if I am ready to recover.

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I think that, for me, it's a larger theme than I might be willing to admit to. However, I can find other things that I need to or can control, so that helps to make it easier.

If you're ambivalent towards recovery that's good enough to give it a shot. The worst that happens is that you go back to what you're already doing anyway.

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I feel lack of control lately and that really bothers me; in other words hopelessness with some things.  

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Posted (edited)

My lack of control with things in my life (particularly in my current situation) and lack of acceptance for what I cannot control, is what stresses me out the most. My coping mechanism however, is either ruminating with worry and hopelessness, researching options furiously/obsessively, or just sleeping from mental exhaustion due to this.

Edited by Blahblah

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