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I think I may have reached the point of no return.

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It's been a long 27 years, but I just don't think I can do it anymore. There's nothing more to say really. A while ago, I set a deadline: I said by the time I hit 30, if my life wasn't looking any better, I was going to kill myself. I think I need to move that deadline up. It's always pretty funny to me just how little people truly care. You don't. You just don't. Nobody does. Nobody ever will. Death is the correct solution. You can say whatever you want but you are wrong. You do not understand me, you cannot possibly understand me, the only thing that remains in this world, that could be beneficial to my life, is a noose, wrapped around a hook, hanging from my fucking ceiling, with my fucking neck in it, or throwing myself in front of a fucking train. Call a crisis center. Chat online. Every time you go there, the rooms are full. Full of people who are full of shit, talking to other people who are full of shit. Everyone is full of shit. This world is full of shit, nothing but a bunch of fake mother fuckers trying to impress themselves and each other. Fuck everything. I can't wait. I can feel it, every day, every day it inches closer. I've been waiting all my life to have the balls to finally kill myself and I think I'm finally growing them. It's going to be great. It's going to be so great. It's going to be the first beautiful thing I've ever seen in this pitiful bullshit matrix of "reality".

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11 minutes ago, censer said:

 You do not understand me, you cannot possibly understand me,

Yes I do understand you because I've been there.......There is always hope, no matter how bad it gets.......Please get yourself to the nearest ER however you can....Call 911 and get an ambulance to take you if there's no other way.

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People here understand. We all know what you are going through.  I get so tired of fighting and many times I just want it to end. Like CrazyRedHead says there is always hope.  Going to the hospital may be just what you need to make it through.  You can get out from under this darkness,  please just go to the hospital and ask for help. 

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Posted (edited)

So I get either locked up or doped up and I miss work, and I get to be surrounded by cold, uncaring hospital staff who have 15 other more important people to attend to -- nobody comes to my side because I have no friends or family, so I'm totally alone in a cold hospital -- and then nothing actually gets better. It's not like they're going to help me directly. And then I get slapped with a 50 thousand dollar medical bill (but don't worry, insurance might cover it. Maybe.) because I laid in a bed for a couple hours and they drugged me up, and then I get diagnosed with something-or-other -- which is inevitably wrong -- so that now counts as a pre-existing condition that some president can fuck me in the ass over in 5 years' time. Pass. Dying sounds preferable, although like I said, I'm not doing it today, so what's the point in shipping myself off to a hospital anyway? I'm just saying. It's not happening today, but it's happening eventually, and it might be sooner than age 30. And when it happens, I'm gonna fucking do it right. There will be no second chance. if I call some hotline or 911 or whatever when I'm not even directly about to kill myself I'm basically just clogging up their shit and wasting their time, and let me tell you, being even more of a useless obnoxious annoyance is the last item on my to do list. i've gotten in enough peoples' way in m ylife.

This country doesn't want to help you for being mentally ill. It wants to punish you. Fuck this filthy subhuman race and fuck this shitty world.

I'm not saying I should die because I'm being dramatic or because I'm depressed. I'm saying I should die because it's an objective fact. It is the best, and very possibly the only, solution to the problem that is me.

Edited by censer

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If you go to a hospital you might get medication that will help you.  Some people have to try many different meds before they find the one that works. I know that the mental health system in this country sucks.  Be your own advocate.  Tell yourself that you do deserve to get help and that you will do whatever it takes to get it.  You're right.  As depressing as it sounds the only one that can really value and take care of you is you.  And you deserve to get taken care of.  Be selfish, do what you need to do to stay alive and keep hope.  Don't worry about other people or the world for that matter.  Only worry about you. Keep trying.  Get the help you need and don't stop ever.

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I went to the hospital for suicidal depression at the end of June.  The first doctor I saw was an evil cunt.  She took me off of all but two of the meds I was on and left me to fend for myself on only Klonopin and Latuda.  I went through horrible withdrawal from the meds she canceled for three days.  When I complained, she told me that she wouldn't change a thing and I should just leave her office.

I thank God that she went on vacation and the next doctor I saw resumed the meds she discontinued.  It was a blessing, otherwise I would have continued to suffer in the hell the first "doctor" created for me.  

So you see, even at the worst of times things can get better.  Life is so short, why make it any shorter.  Think of all the good things that you will miss.  Think of all the people that will miss you. 

 

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16 hours ago, censer said:

It's going to be great. It's going to be so great. It's going to be the first beautiful thing I've ever seen in this pitiful bullshit matrix of "reality".

Could be, but you're going to miss it.  You'll be dead.  No one else is going to think it's a "beautiful thing".

Please don't kill yourself.  It would suck.

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Posted (edited)

So in case you didn't read my post, which you obviously didn't, I have no family or friends. There is nobody, NOBODY, to miss me.

But anyway, I went to my doctor today. My psychopharmacologist. You know, the one that charges $460/hr, in no way accepts insurance (so no overheard or costs beyond the usual for running an office), and then probably uses the . I am tempted to leave her name and location just so that you can all know not to go to her ever. She constantly runs over time, which sounds like it should be a good thing, except today, as usual for the medical industry, she promises me the world -- "Oh we're going to put you on Lithium, we're going to give you this intranasal Ketamine bullshit that you can only pick up at a pharmacy down the street (45 minutes away from your house) -- then totally neglected to refill ANY of my prescriptions (except ONE) and shoved me out the door. So now because of this stupid fucking cunt, I'm sitting here stewing in another round of false FUCKING promises from some stupid cunt fucking cock sucking dumb bitch twat fucking whore who makes promises that she doesn't keep. Not that I'm surprised, based on who and what she is, it should have been apparent from the start that she was a dumb lying fucking cunt.

So now not only do I have NO lithium that was supposed to help me SO much and NO ketamine BULLSHIt that was supposed to help me SO MUCH, now i am going to run out of FUCKIGN XANAX, and ALL MY OTHER FUCKING MEDS, excpet for OH, VYVANSE, because THAT'S the thing that's REALLY making my life difficult, FUCKING ADHD. YEAH. THIS IS MY TRUEST OF PROBLEMS. HERE IT IS. AD-H-FUCKING-D.

Fuck stupid fuck stupid fucking stupid fucking cunts and fuck this gay fucking earth and fuck all of you and fuck this shitty planet and FUCK FUCKING EVERYTHING

 

And to all of you telling me to "be selfish"? That "I really am #1"? Fuck yourself in the eye socket with a fucking chainsaw. I will never be selfish. I will never be a piece of shit like the rest of humanity. I would rather die than stop caring for others.

On 7/12/2018 at 10:39 AM, sbdivemaster said:

Could be, but you're going to miss it.  You'll be dead.  No one else is going to think it's a "beautiful thing".

Please don't kill yourself.  It would suck.

>Could be, but you're going to miss it.

No I'm not. I'm going to be fucking dead. That's the goal. I'm not missing anything. I will be 100% experiencing death as much as it can possibly be experienced.

Edited by censer

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I literally cannot remember the last time a good or positive thing happened to me. I can literally not remember the last time a single person spoke intimately with me about anything positive or good. I can literally not remember, at all, the last time I trusted a person, was legitimately happy, or was, for all intents and purposes, anything other than hopelessly fucking depressed. If you still think there is hope, you are a fucking idiot.

Why are there 90 options to set my gender to a bunch of bullshit that doesn't exist, but no option to delete my fucking account? How the fuck do I delete my fucking account?

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Posted (edited)

Censer -

You have made a number of statements in this thread that point very strongly, to an outside observer, to the conclusion that you are suffering very seriously from the symptoms of a major depressive episode. Your statements seem objective and sensible to you, experienced through the filter of your symptoms, but they are not. For instance, you say that it is an objective fact that the only solution to your life's problems is death. On the contrary, it is not a fact (there are solutions untried) and you are too symptomatic to be objective about the matter.

If you consider the roots of your distress, I suspect you will realize that you do not want to die at all - you simply want the pain to stop. Although you may feel misunderstood because of your experiences with your care providers, I can tell you with absolute, unshakeable certainty that many people on this site understand you perfectly - because they have posted statements almost identical to yours in the past. There are members here who have faced down the exact same demons you are facing now for decades - I am among them, for 35 years - and learned how to survive with courage and determination and find purpose and meaning in their lives. So can you.

Your words make it clear that you are in desperate pain, and very angry at those who you believe have not met their duty to care for you. That may be valid. It is not valid, however, to lash out at members here who are trying in good faith to help you by sharing their experience, and we must caution you to moderate your responses on these boards.

At Crazyboards we do not delete accounts because of the damage the practice would do to the fabric of the shared dialogue in the board threads. You may edit the content of your posts, or if there is a particular post that should be removed from view because it compromises your identity or safety, you may contact any Moderator or Administrator.

 

Cerberus
Moderator

Edited by Cerberus
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