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Steve223

Family Seems Like They Came Around........ But Did They?

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Okay, I am not straight.  I came out as gay last year, and it went horribly.  Horribly meaning that I was told that if I "chose to live that life", that my own family, my own parents weren't sure if they wanted to remain in contact with me.  My mother was the one saying these things, and I actually heard my Dad say "well you shouldn't think like that" when it she was on the phone saying that her bigotry against gays made her want to shun away (not in those words, just "it's kind of undesirable") or something of the sort.  After this, my mother proceeded to abuse me and vowed to discard me and said she didn't want to be seen with me due to the way that I dressed because she was "embarrassed".  She told me that she "wished me well in life but didn't want to know about it", the expression of pure homophobic hatred that I'd expect to come from her.  She had threatened to discard me multiple times in my life and pretty much ingrained it in my psyche.  She clearly has some sort of PD, and she had unpredictable Jekyll and Hyde like rages, though they never came that often even before all this.  It was rare, but once one saw Mr. Hyde, one never saw Dr. Jekyll the same again kind of thing.  There were a few potential triggers, but the control of me seemed to be the primary one, or at least perhaps........... it seemed to revolve around my sex life and perceived "morals" and "values" as well perhaps to an even greater degree than the idea of control.

The thing is weirdly, despite expressing that she didn't want to be seen with me and everything else, she decided to be quite nice to me.  As though she "came around".  It has been quite convincing, and I really want to believe that's true.  She has not followed through with her initial "promise" that it was final that she would never go out in public with me because she was embarrassed to be seen with me and things have seemed fine at least on the surface.  And despite being as abusive as she was, she has seemed to be the same...... actually perhaps slightly better around me than before.  However, given her sheer level of disdain and hatred, I don't know given something that happened two days ago that was far more subtle.  

She stopped abusing me for the way I dress many months ago, yet she said one thing that had a weirdly strong impact on me emotionally............. now a year after all this, she saw a flier in the mail when we were talking (after I came out as gay) about a scantily dressed woman on the cover of a magazine.  And she kind of made a joke about it, and said, 'Oh boy' in a joking sort of way.  I'm not sure what to think of this, and a strong part of me sees this as joking around......... yet she never apologized for all her threats to disown me or anything else.  So, I am kind of confused.  Was this just a harmless joke, or perhaps was it a sign that she just "forgot" everything I said, and despite what I said on multiple occasions during this, that she genuinely believes I am straight.  Or am I misinterpreting this?  She just said it in kind of a joking way, and otherwise has not said anything homophobic or tried to control the way I dress, and that's been a big change............ but somehow this kind of made me wonder if somehow despite everything, she just "forgot" all of it in her invalidation.  This is the only thing that I have heard since last summer's attack on me for not being straight and dressing the way I do, yet it made me wonder a bit if the "progress" is really an illusion. 

Edited by Steve223

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Well your mother sounds like a bit of a dick. I don't say this to sound insulting because my mother is a bit of a dick too. And we want the love and approval of our mothers but all that some of them seem to be able to offer is disdain and hatred. So fuck 'em. She was Jekyll and Hyde before you came out so she'd probably still be a dick if you were straight. Sorry. Calling someone else's mother a dick does feel wrong. She sounds like someone who'd always find something to criticise you for, which is something I'm familiar with.

How do you dress? As a pirate? Personally I'd like to dress as a were-nun, which is a nun with a werewolf face, but I'm afraid of how society would judge me.

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You're not misinterpreting. A person's first reaction is usually their most genuine response, since it is basically subconscious. She might come around eventually and learn to control herself and be an accepting mother, but unfortunately this does not happen over night. If I were you, I would eliminate her out of my life. My family was pretty accepting of me coming out as gay, which in my eyes they had no option to not be accepting. It is who I am. And I came out when I was only 12 years old, so you'd expect most people to think it was a phase, but my family knew it wasn't. Sometimes you can tell if someone will grow up to be gay. It is who you are. While we don't know exactly the reasons people are gay, they just are. Anyone who has an initial reaction to something like that should be discarded.

I promise you that the majority of people are extremely accepting of gay people, and you need not worry about your mom at the moment. Obviously that is much, much easier said than done, but you are at a confusing point in your life. When I came out it felt like a rebirth. Learn to love who you are, learn to be happy in your skin. There are so many people out there just like you, who have had similar experiences. Seek out those people. 

I wish I could give you more advice, but my coming out was pretty uneventful. I was bullied at school but I have always been strong in regards to my identity, and my independence. I wish nothing but the best for you.

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Wow. Immediately discard anyone who disagrees with you? What a lonely fucked up life that would be. 

My mother had terrible ways of dealing with major events in my life that she didn’t agree with. Generally always ended with angry words,  and her not speaking to me for a month. I came to see it as her way of coping. She loved me, she just didn’t know how to deal with her own emotions. Not saying it was right, and it hurt... an apology would’ve been nice after her anger, but never got it formally, more like got it as she accepted the situation and became her nice self again. 

if it’s been a year, and only one uncomfortable thing was said, that sounds hopeful. Just perhaps be wary, and don’t let your guard down. 

 

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Dump those who can't except it. They are dragging you down and giving you negative feedback. I put up with my parents through college. Then once I had a job I told them this stops or I would cut them out of my life. They listened as they were fully aware I had the means to do it. So they changed because they had seen me drop negative friends.

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17 hours ago, Rabbit37 said:

Wow. Immediately discard anyone who disagrees with you? What a lonely fucked up life that would be. 

My mother had terrible ways of dealing with major events in my life that she didn’t agree with. Generally always ended with angry words,  and her not speaking to me for a month. I came to see it as her way of coping. She loved me, she just didn’t know how to deal with her own emotions. Not saying it was right, and it hurt... an apology would’ve been nice after her anger, but never got it formally, more like got it as she accepted the situation and became her nice self again. 

if it’s been a year, and only one uncomfortable thing was said, that sounds hopeful. Just perhaps be wary, and don’t let your guard down. 

 

Don't twist my words. Someone who belittles you for being born homosexual is not a disagreement. I'm sure you understand the difference. No one should feel like they have to put up with abusive and rotten people, even if it's their own blood. We have one life to live, and it's a short one. I'd rather move on. Sorry you feel differently.

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